Tag: #relationships

Book review posts, Uncategorized

October 2025 Reads

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I read 6 books in October! Here is a blurb of each of the books I read in October.

“Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues” was written by David Bradford and Carole Robin, who have taught interpersonal skills to MBA candidates in their legendary Stanford Graduate School of Business Course, Interpersonal Dynamics, and have coached and consulted hundreds of executives for decades. This book was a transformative guide to building more fulfilling relationships and focused on cultivating authenticity vulnerability, and honesty while being willing to ask for and offer help, share a commitment to growth, and deal productively with conduct. I learned so much from this book. Here are just a few takeaways:

Exceptional relationships involve mutual commitment, a steady and ongoing process of increasing self-disclosure, stretching beyond your comfort zone, and seeing setbacks as something to explore and learn from rather than as a reason to retreat.

Feedback is the breakfast of champions. Feedback starts a conversation. It doesn’t end it. Building relationships where each person feels free to give and ask for feedback is key both to preventing pinches from becoming crunches and to helping each person develop in new and more effective ways.

  • Intent = needs, motives, emotions, and intentions
  • Behavior = words, tone, gestures, facial expressions
  • Impact

Each person can initially only know 2 of the 3 realities. You have to stay on your side of the net. You may know their behavior and impact, but you don’t know their intent. Sooner or later, the other person will tell you (or continuously show you).

This is just a glimpse of the many lessons in this book. This book caused me to reflect on some of my past friendships and what exceptional friendships should consist of. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about building exceptional relationships and being a better friend, coworker, and partner.

5 out of 5 stars

“We’ve Decided to Go in a Different Direction: Essays” was written by Tess Sanchez, who spent more than 20 years in the entertainment industry as a casting director. This book was funny, insightful, and contained amusing essays that examine the aftermath of a major life shift that took the author from fully in control and plunged her into unfamiliar chaos. This book examines how we claim our identity and how we choose to define ourselves. This was an easier read. Here are some lessons:

  • Water the flowers, not the weeds. Nurture and grow the good in your life, and dehydrate the weeds.
  • The key to success, fulfillment, and happiness is flexibility – embracing the now – however that may look.
  • Career loss isn’t the end. It’s a pivot point. It can be painful, but also freeing.
  • Identity is bigger than your job title. Rediscover who you are outside of your professional role.
  • Resilience is messy, not linear. Change comes with backslides, confusion, and emotional turbulence.

One of my favorite lessons from this book is the concept of a “painful favor.” The author used the phrase “painful favors” to describe pivotal moments in her life that felt harsh and disruptive at the moment but ultimately led to personal growth and new opportunities. I love this concept, and there have been several “painful favors” in my life that I am grateful for.

4 out of 5 stars

“Reconnected” was written by Carlos Whittaker, a bestselling author and storyteller who averaged 7 hours 23 minutes a day on his phone before this experiment. Carlos went screen-free for 7 weeks to see what screen time was doing to his head, hands, and heart; he spent 2 weeks with Benedictine monks, 2 weeks with Amish in Ohio, and 3 weeks at home with family. I enjoyed reading about his experiment. Here are some of the many lessons:

  • We don’t wonder any more. How many times are you in a conversation when somebody wonders something only to stop wondering because they can look it up on their phone? We’ve lost the ability to not know, and we now feel like we must know everything. We can’t, but we feel like we need to. If we can’t admit that we don’t know something, suddenly we are creating experts who aren’t actually experts. Ex: TikTok
  • Recovering our ability to have regular solitude is so important for our mental health and overall well-being. Let your mind wander, do a digital detox, and experiment with tech-free hobbies.
  • How many times do we pull out our phones when we get uncomfortable with our present circumstances? Jesus made a habit of being fully present with people that hardly anyone wanted to be present with. Our presence has the ability to change not only our lives but the lives of others. You could change another’s life – someone that you might not even notice if you weren’t looking up.
  • The table is one of the most intimate settings we have for sharing our lives. The table is one of the best tools we have to get to know someone well and to discover the heart of somebody. Try going phone-free and allotting more time for meals.

Not every argument is worth having and not every comment deserves a rebuttal. Choose where to invest your energy. Respond with reason, not with rage.

One of the most interesting lessons was that the Amish allow some pieces of technology that aren’t going to grow them apart. They weigh the potential value of every piece of new technology before allowing it. Community is more important than anything else. They don’t think cars are evil, but they know that if they started using cars, their community would no longer be a community.

This book was intriguing and filled with lessons about the impact of technology.

5 out of 5 stars

“The Not-Quite States of America” was written by Minnesota author Doug Mack. This book was boring at times and reads like a history textbook. This book covered some interesting tidbits about the territories of the Virgin Islands of the United States, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Puerto Rico. Here are some facts:

  • Residents of the territories cannot vote for president. They can run for president.
  • The Virgin Islands of the United States (USVI) are heavily reliant on tourism and imported goods. Agriculture is only 1% of USVI’s overall budget. With the blessing of the U.S. Treasury and Congress, the islands offer a 90% reduction in U.S. corporate and personal income taxes. The appeal of the USVI for the United States was its utility as a coaling station.
  • People born in American Samoa are U.S. nationals, not U.S. citizens, making them the only group on U.S. soil without automatic citizenship. To gain citizenship rights, they must become naturalized like any immigrant. Tuna canning is the largest private-sector employer. American Samoans who oppose birthright citizenship value 3 traditions that might be deemed unconstitutional:
    • The Native Land Ordinance – only individuals with at least 50% Samoan blood may own native land
    • Matai-only Senate – traditional chiefs, not elected by popular vote
    • Sa – the roads are closed when prayer time is observed in some villages
  • Military bases occupy nearly 1/3 of Guam’s land, but much of this land is not actively used by the military; the military simply controls the land.
  • The Northern Mariana Islands (CNMI) rely heavily on tourism and foreign labor. The Northern Mariana Islands are a U.S. commonwealth, meaning the residents are U.S. citizens, but CNMI has local self-government, including its own constitution, legislature, and governor. The U.S. Congress selectively applies some federal laws.
  • Puerto Ricans are U.S. citizens but can’t vote for president. Puerto Rico has 10x more people than all the other territories combined. The Spanish and American cultures intertwine, creating a unique identity.

3 out of 5 stars

“Secrets of Adulthood: Simple Truths For Our Complex Lives” was written by Gretchen Rubin, who has authored many books and hosts the top-ranking, award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin. This book was not quite what I anticipated. It contained valuable information, but it was more like a listicle or what you may find in a fortune cookie. Here are some “secrets” of adulthood:

  • If you find it hard to take good care of yourself, care for yourself like a toddler: Don’t let yourself get too hungry, too tired, too uncomfortable, too bored, too lonely, or too overwhelmed.
  • The traffic changes, the weather changes, yet the same people are always late, and the same people are always on time.
  • More trial, more error – and more accomplishment.
  • Nothing is more exhausting than the task that’s never started.
  • By giving something up, we may gain. Briefly depriving ourselves of a pleasure often has one of two good results: either it reawakens our enjoyment or reveals that we’re happier when we don’t indulge.
  • If we take the credit, we must accept the blame.
  • Don’t buy things until you need them. Store things at the store.
  • If you can’t think of a topic of conversation, ask, “What’s keeping you busy these days?”

3 out of 5 stars

“Cue the Sun!: The Invention of Reality TV” was written by Pulitzer prize-winning New Yorker author Emily Nussbaum. The book covered the history of reality tv, starting from its contentious roots in radio, and Emily conducted in-depth interviews with more than 300 sources to gather information for this book. Here are some key points:

  • Reality TV didn’t just appear. It evolved from radio call-ins, prank shows, and experimental documentaries.
  • Reality TV thrives on presenting “real life” while heavily manipulating footage. This results in ethical dilemmas. Producers edit raw footage to craft narratives and often distort reality. This raises questions about consent, exploitation, and how much “truth” audiences really want.
  • The launch of Survivor in 2000 marked reality TV’s explosion into mainstream dominance. It taught networks that unscripted formats could be cheap to produce yet massively profitable.
  • Reality TV influences politics and celebrity culture. As an example, Donald Trump leverages reality TV fame from The Apprentice into political power.

Some interesting tidbits:

  • By the 1960s, Candid Camera had become a major hit on radio, but on TV, the show’s subjects weren’t anonymous anymore. Some laughed, others got angry, and many experienced a messy blend of feelings.
  • The Dating Game required no background checks. One of the show’s winners, Rodney Alcala, turned out to be a serial killer, was also a convicted sex offender, and paroled twice. At the time he filmed his segment, he was in the midst of a murder spree.
  • The People’s Court was the first television show to feature binding arbitration.
  • America’s Funniest Home Videos was unusually easy to produce since it relied on videotapes sent in by viewers and filmed on camcorders. It cost ABC almost nothing – no actors, directors, or stunt professionals. Together with America’s Funniest Home Videos, Cops jump-started the reality genre, which had been static for nearly a decade.

Survivor was the first series to take the reality genre mainstream in the United States. It stood out because it united 3 key traditions: prank show, game show, and real-life soap opera.

  • By 2002, casting a reality show had become a science, down to the thick contracts contestants signed, granting editors total control. There was also a natural next step after the finale aired: move to Los Angeles.
  • In 2006, with the rise of The Real Housewives, cast members of reality shows began to identify as influencers, viewing themselves as performers and collaborators, brand representatives of the shows they appeared in.

4 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts

July 2025 Reads

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog since I have had other priorities. I read 4 books in July. Here is a blurb of each of the books I read in July.

“Sovereign: Reclaim Your Freedom, Energy, and Power in a Time of Distraction, Uncertainty, and Chaos” was written by Emma Seppala, a Yale lecturer and international keynote speaker. This book was insightful! It was packed with tips to recharge your life and change the way you think and act – from your emotions, mind, relationships, intuition and body. Here are some of my many takeaways:

  • Sovereignty is reclaiming your right to exist as you. It involves courage, awareness, and self-honoring. Consider what would happen if you loved and cared for yourself as much as you do for others.

What would it look like if you took care of yourself as you would an infant, attentive to its every need? Be mindful and aware of your emotions and ask yourself “What do I need right now? A hug? A walk? A break? A nap? A cry? A meal? A friend? Something else?”

Some of the many tips covered:

  • Sovereign self
    • Listen to the state of your mind and body. Ask yourself what you need.
    • Prioritize what fills your cup – what brings you rest, rejuvenation, energy, vitality, upliftment, inspiration, and joy.
  • Sovereign emotions
    • Remember: when you run from your feelings, you run from your healing. Feel instead of suppressing.
    • Remember that emotions are energy in motion. Take care of your basic needs: sleep, diet, exercise, and yourself.
  • Sovereign mind
    • Create boundaries around your media. Don’t go on social media to look at what other people are doing or selling.
    • Observe and discern: What are the intentions of the messaging. Is it giving you freedom or binding you in fear? Do you wish to engage with it?
  • Sovereign relationships
    • 6 keys of positive relational energy
      • caring for, being interested in, and seeing the best in others
      • providing support for one another, including offering kindness and compassion
      • avoiding blame and forgiving mistakes
      • inspiring one another and focusing on what’s going right
      • emphasizing meaningfulness
      • treating others with basic human values like respect, gratitude, trust, honesty, humility, kindness, an integrity
  • Sovereign intuition
    • Consult your gut feelings.
    • Unplug from technology. Create opportunities for contemplation. Schedule idle time.
  • Sovereign body
    • Relate to your body as your best friend because that’s what it is. Learn to love it, care for it, listen to it, and live in harmony with its needs.
    • Reflect on these questions: Do you honor and care for your body the way you would a child? If not, what would it look like if you did?

This is one of the best books I have read this year, and I highly recommend it to everyone!

5 out of 5 stars

“Says Who? A Kinder, Funner Usage Guide for Everyone Who Cares About Words” was written by Anne Curzan, professor of English Language and Literature, Linguistics, and Education at the University of Michigan. This book was intriguing, although some readers may find it overwhelming or too academic. Here are some things that resonated with me:

One key point for everyone who uses dictionaries is that dictionary editors are trying to walk a fine line between capturing words as they are used and providing guidance about the contexts in which some words are generally accepted or not accepted. While the editors of today’s dictionaries are usually trying to describe actual usage, we as dictionary users often erroneously assume that they are prescribing correct usage. Attitudes at the language change over time!

  • English has lots of synonyms in many areas of the lexicon, and they demonstrate the remarkable creativity we as humans bring to language, the many languages that have contributed to the English lexicon, the diversity of our linguistic identities, and the nuanced choices we get to make as speakers and writers.
  • Dictionary editors determine which pronunciations get recorded as standard and which get labeled as nonstandard – and which don’t get included at all.
  • What’s correct depends on where, when, and to whom you’re speaking. Formal writing has different expectations than casual conversation.
  • Many grammar rules are based on tradition, not logic. Usage evolves, and what was once “wrong” can become accepted over time. Examples:
    • “Peruse” has long meant “to read thoroughly” – but now people use it to mean “to glance over, skim” – which is becoming more acceptable.
    • “Literally” is used to mean “in the literal sense” AND “figuratively.”

4 out of 5 stars

“The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down” was written by Haemin Sunim and contained so many life lessons and a guide to mindfulness. I got a lot out of this book. Here are some takeaways:

Do not try to control those around you. When you cannot control even your own mind, what makes you think you can control others?

  • According to some psychologists, happiness can be assessed with two simple questions: First, do you find meaning in your work? Second, do you have good relationships with those around you?
  • We like to get involved in other people’s business, thinking we are doing so for them. We offer unsolicited help and interfere with their lives. We take away their power and make them feel incapable. This stems from our desire for control and recognition. It has little to do with love.
  • A bad driver brakes often. A bad conversationalist also brakes often – interrupting the flow with his own stories.
  • Being a good boss requires much more than just having a lot of technical knowledge. It is important to have integrity and a positive relationship with the staff, to give timely feedback and professional mentoring, and to advocate for what the team needs.

As my prayer deepens, I hear more of His voice than my words. As my humility grows, I feel more of His love overflowing in my heart. As my mind quiets down, I sense more of His presence in every moment.

I really enjoyed the lessons from this book and highly recommend it.

5 out of 5 stars

“I Could Live Here Forever: a novel” was written by Hanna Halperin. This is a fiction book and is not what I typically read. This book was described as “a gripping portrait of a tumultuous, consuming relationship between a young woman and a recovering addict.” I agree with that description. Since this was a fiction book, I didn’t take many notes, but these quotes resonated with me:

“The nice thing about writing was it took pain and warped it into something useful. I could shape it into a beginning and a middle and an end. It was manageable that way . . . by the time I was done with it, it was just a story.”

I never actually knew what he was doing. I was outside his world, even though he was inside of mine. Really, he was my entire world.”

Overall, I wanted more character development.

3 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

May 2025 Reads

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog since I have had other priorities. I read 5 books in May. Here is a blurb of each of the books I read in May.

“Supersized Lies: How Myths About Weight Loss Are Keeping Us Fat – And the Truth About What Really Works” was written by Robert J. Davis, PhD, host of the Healthy Skeptic video series and an award-winning health journalist whose work has appeared on CNN, PBS, WebMD, and the Wall Street Journal. Here are some main points:

Instead of focusing on individual villains, we need to pay attention to the general quality of our diets – emphasizing whole foods and minimizing highly processed foods – vegetables, fruits, beans, nuts, seeds, seafood, lean poultry, and whole grains, such as oats and rice. Whole foods tend to have fewer calories per ounce, more fiber, and be more filling, and we often eat them more slowly, giving our brains time to get the message that we’ve had enough.

  • When calories are cut or increased by a specific amount, the change in weight will vary from person to person, and these differences are due at least in part to genetics.
  • Calories shouldn’t be the only consideration. That can detract from the pleasure of eating, contribute to an unhealthy relationship with food, and result in too little of the things your body needs. Instead, when choosing what to eat, also pay attention to the sugar, fiber, and protein, and consider how healthful and filling the foods are and how you feel after you eat them.

It takes A LOT of work to burn off the calories in a relatively small amount of food. Changing your diet to lose weight is easier than exercising to lose weight.

If dietary supplements had to meet the same standards of proof for safety and effectiveness as medications, few, if any, would be allowed on the market. Supplement makers aren’t required to test for safety. The law assumes that supplements are innocent until proven guilty – just the opposite of how medications are regulated.

Exercise, sleep, and stress management reinforce each other to benefit not only our physical and emotional health, but also our weight.

4 out of 5 stars

“Selling the Dream: The Billion-Dollar Industry Bankrupting Americans” was written by Jane Marie, a Peabody and Emmy Award-winning journalist. In this book, Jane expands on her popular podcast The Dream to expose the source of multilevel marketing schemes. Although I have never been involved in multilevel marketing (thankfully), I got a lot out of this book! Here are some main takeaways:

  • 99% of those who join MLMs make no $ or even lose $. Women make up 74% of the MLM workforce.
  • In an MLM, the product being sold doesn’t matter since most of the $ is being made via recruitment fees and distributors stocking their own shelves with inventory.
  • Despite what those in MLMs may believe, they are not business owners. They don’t control anything except their own sales efforts. They don’t own the product they’re selling or any IP, they don’t set their own prices or salaries, and they are often bound by strict rules in how they can market and sell the products. They also lack a guaranteed salary, benefits, and workers’ rights.

The MLM world is a bizarre land where incentives can range from the opportunity to buy your own ticket to a conference to earning a new rank solely based on products you’ve purchased that now sit in your garage. The disincentives are just as plain: once you’ve roped in your friends and family, quitting seems off the table and an admission that you sold them a bill of goods.

“Nutrition” clubs are seemingly popping up everywhere. One of the most fascinating things I read in this book is that Herbalife nutrition clubs prohibit signs that state or suggest that Herbalife products are available for retail purchase on the premises. Club owners are not permitted to post signs indicating whether the club is open or closed, and the interior of the club must not be visible to persons outside.

I recommend reading this book if you want to learn more about the MLM industry.

4 out of 5 stars

“I Wish I Knew This Earlier: Lessons on Love” is an essay-type book divided into themes and written by Toni Tone, an award-winning speaker, writer, and social content creator. Here are some points that resonated with me:

  • Intimacy tells you more about a relationship than intensity. Can you be vulnerable? Do you feel safe? Is there trust? Do you have similar interests? Can you easily hold a conversation with them? Do you have similar values?
  • Have a life outside of your love life is essential. A healthy relationship should complement your life, not become it. A partner who is good for you wants you to flourish and wants you to be the best version of yourself. The best version of yourself is well-rounded, has friendships outside of your romantic relationship, hobbies, and aspirations outside of your romantic relationship.

We should choose to love people for who they really are because the painful truth is that potential doesn’t always manifest. You may think a person is capable of moving mountains for you, but should these mountains never be moved, how will you feel? Falling for potential is not just a disservice to you but it’s also a disservice to the person you are choosing to love. We don’t possess the power to change people. People change because they want to.

Don’t forget to celebrate your partner. Share compliments, provide words of affirmation, and give praise where it’s deserved. Don’t speak up only when you are annoyed. Speak up when you are happy too.

I highly recommend this book to anyone!

5 out of 5 stars

“Love is a Choice: 28 Extraordinary Stories of the 5 Love Languages in Action” was written by Gary Chapman, author, speaker, and counselor and #1 bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages series. Here are some great points:

Realize that you have as many faults as your partner. “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

  • Perhaps one of the keys to finding an enduring affection is to be willing to accept the interruptions and intrusions.
  • How do you measure love? Each of us speaks a different love language. How can we learn someone’s love language? By asking them what makes them feel really loved or by watching how the person expresses love to others.
  • Love doesn’t require that we always have all the answers. Instead, many times love just asks that we listen to the problem, that we try to understand, and that we express our condolences, sympathy, or love. Sometimes love means just being there for the person we care about.

Love requires effort and action. Love is not passive. It requires constant effort, communication, and care. Actions like making time for each other, showing affection, or helping with everyday tasks can strengthen a relationship in profound ways.

Open, honest, and empathetic communication is necessary to foster understanding and connection. Instead of assuming your partner knows what you need, communicate your feelings, desires, and needs clearly. Practice active listening and empathy.

4 out of 5 stars

“Compassion in the Court: Life-Changing Stories From America’s Nicest Judge” was written by Judge Frank Caprio, who became an unexpected television and internet superstar while in his eighties. Judge Caprio’s three-time Emmy-nominated television show, Caught in Providence, has amassed over 20 million followers across social media and his videos have accrued billions of views. Here are some key lessons:

  • True justice should be tempered with compassion. Treat people as human beings, not just as cases or statistics.
  • Compassionate decisions build trust in the judicial system. When people feel that they are treated fairly and with understanding, they are more likely to follow the rules and make positive changes.
  • What may seem unimportant to you could be incredibly important and life-changing to the person before you. One small act of kindness, one act of being thoughtful, can really change the course of a person’s life.
  • Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are facing and then ask yourself: What would help? How would you behave if it were your parents, grandparents, brother, sister, or relative in that situation? How would you want them treated?

My courtroom was a microcosm of the city of Providence, a progressive city that’s been welcoming immigrants for hundreds of years. Many of the defendants who have appeared before me may not have felt life had treated them fairly, but it was my sincere hope that in my courtroom they felt that they had the opportunity to speak, to be heard, and to be treated fairly in the way our system of justice demands.

4 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

Real Self-Care

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“Real Self-Care” was a much needed, straightforward book written by Pooja Lakshmin, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist, New York Times contributor, and the founder and CEO of Gemma, the physician-led women’s mental health community.

For many women, self-care ends up being another burden, another thing on the to-do list to feel bad about because they aren’t doing it right. Women are pulled in two opposing directions: asked to be selfless and accommodating to the needs of others and, simultaneously, to excel professionally and personally.

Real self-care vs faux self-care:

Applying a methodology of faux self-care is reactive, whereas practicing real self-care is proactive.

Faux self-care is a noun, typically describing an activity or a product. Real self-care is a verb, describing an invisible, internal decision-making process.

3 most common reasons why we tend to turn to faux self-care:

  • escape – using self-care to escape our regular lives seldom results in lasting change. Our true selves are located in our daily choices.
    • Whatever the setting, you get to “retreat” from the real world and hermit away in a beautiful environment, but no matter how much self-care you do, you’re still you.
  • achievement – based on shame. Another activity to excel at/conquer. Perfectionism, workaholism, and capitalism.
    • “My self-worth strongly depends on my ability to be seen as a success.”
  • optimization – trying to maximize every possible aspect of life and trying to be the most efficient, productive, and controlled.
    • Optimization will just breed more optimization – equating self-worth with productivity

What is real self-care?

  • Real self-care requires boundaries and moving past guilt. You must be assertive in prioritizing your own needs and desires.
  • Real self-care means treating yourself with compassion.
  • Real self-care brings you closer to yourself and getting to know your core values, beliefs, and desires.
  • Real self-care is an assertion of power. It’s about saying what works for you and what doesn’t.

Real self-care is all about making space for you – your thoughts, feelings, and priorities in life. Setting boundaries is how we take our time, energy, and attention back. Ex: you don’t have to answer your phone. Setting boundaries is about recognizing you have a choice and communicating it. Learn to say no.

The longer you stick with a relationship, job, or situation that isn’t working for you, the higher the emotional cost to set a boundary.

Listen to what your body is telling you: dread, nausea, palpitations, etc. Learn to say no.

In all situations, you can say yes, you can say no, or you can negotiate. Your boundary is in your pause.

Tips for practicing compassion:

  • Replace self-judgment with self-kindness.
  • Practice receiving support/love/attention. Say yes to offers of help.
  • Connect with your body and rest when your body is tired.
  • Know your values. What sort of person do you want to be? What really matters to you? Does your action align with your values? Know your HOW and WHY. Recognize that in each season of your life, you will have different priorities.
  • Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life you want. You must separate your own needs and preferences from the opinions of other people who have a vested interest in your life.
  • Every boundary you set is a reminder that you have agency over how you spend your time and your energy. Be clear, be concise, and don’t apologize.
  • Compassion is something you must give to yourself; you can’t expect it to always come from outside.

These common examples are NOT practicing compassion:

  • “I can save time by doing it myself.” Women tend to bear the heavy mental load because they believe others are less efficient or don’t do things quite right. This leads to resentment and rage that builds up all because it’s “easier and faster.”
  • Martyr mode – extending yourself toward others and expecting praise/support/attention and losing your cool when that expectation is not met.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – September 12, 2024

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My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin – 7 Things to Spend Money On if You Want to Be a Happier Person

  • Experiences (over material goods) – collect moments, not things.
  • Invest money in relationships – pets, spouses, etc.
  • Personal development and education – think about what you like to learn about and find ways to grow and learn – buy books, take a course or attend a conference, take a trip somewhere to learn more about a culture, etc.
  • Anything related to health and wellness – gym membership, fitness equipment, therapy, quality food, etc.
  • Anything related to self-care and relaxation – massage, meditation class, hobbies, hiring a house cleaner, etc.
  • Acts of kindness and charity – spending money on other people makes us happier than spending money on ourselves. Gifts, charity donations, volunteering, etc.
  • Things that help you spend quality time in nature – outdoor activities, taking a trip in nature, etc.

What didn’t make the list? Having a bigger house, a fancier car, a designer purse, etc.

Optimal Health Daily – 10 Ways to Measure Progress (That Aren’t Weight Loss) by Amanda Wheeler

This podcast stood out to me because SO many people work out solely to achieve a certain weight or physique and are often left disappointed and discouraged from continuing to exercise because they aren’t achieving the weight they desire. There are so many reasons to exercise aside from just weight loss, and there are many other ways to measure progress that aren’t weight loss.

  • Weight lifted – Can you lift heavier this month than last month?
  • Recovery – How do you feel between sets? Are you able to bring your heart rate down quickly and bounce back in?
  • Reps for time – Can you do more work in the same amount of time or the same amount of work in less time?
  • Resting heart rate – if your resting heart rate is lower, your heart is more efficient. If you’ve been training and your resting heart rate goes down, that’s progress.
  • Aerobic window – the difference between your resting heart rate and your anaerobic threshold.
  • Mobility/range of motion – if you notice you can get more range of motion, that’s progress.
  • Energy – How do you feel during the day? Are you drinking caffeine to stay awake, or do you have a consistent pep in your step? If you no longer crash midday or reach for the extra dose of caffeine, that’s progress.
  • Sleep – Are you now waking up feeling rested? That’s progress.
  • Clothing – Is your clothing getting looser? Using clothing to measure progress is a great way to feel good about yourself without diminishing the feeling by the number on the scale.
  • Confidence – How do you feel about yourself? Feeling more confident is a measure of progress that gets overlooked.

Optimal Relationships Daily – 12 Relationship Truths I Wish I Knew 12 Years Ago by Marc Chernoff

  • You have to love yourself first. Fall in love with yourself and share that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.
  • You get what you put in. The true impact you make on people will depend on the time and attention you give to teaching those who know less, caring for those who have less, supporting those who are striving, and tolerating those who are different than you.
  • What most people think of you doesn’t matter. No one is ever going to care about your life and the way you choose to live it more than you will.
  • Friends and family won’t always support your goals, but you must pursue them anyway. Follow your intuition.
  • Life doesn’t always change as fast as people do. Not everyone is who you once knew.
  • Love requires three things: acceptance, honesty, and commitment.
  • A big part of who you become is who you choose to surround yourself with.
  • A soul mate is a person who brings out the best in you.

I really enjoyed this post from Seth’s Blog:

Your audiobook

“Your audiobook

Here’s a useful habit that’s more than a hack…

The next time things are going well, when a project is about to launch, when a meeting has been successful, when the sun is shining… take your phone and go for a walk.

Hit record on an audio app and make a twenty-minute audiobook. Talk about what you know, what you see, what you hope for. Talk about the change you seek to make and how you’re going to get there.

And then save it.

Save it for when you need to hear from that person who recorded it.

It might become the best audiobook you own.”

Before Breakfast – Be flexible on the details

It’s okay to have requirements but be flexible on the details of how people can achieve them. The more flexible you can be on the details, the more loyalty you will probably engender. For a great many things, it is the outcome that matters.

When people can have some choice and autonomy about the details, they feel more in control of their lives. High expectations seem less burdensome, which makes it more likely that they will be met.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

August 2024 Reads

amybenoit

I read seven books in August 2024 – the most I have read in one month since starting school this year. Here is a brief synopsis of the books I read in August, some of which I will post about in greater detail in the future.

“The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control” was written by Katherine Morgan Schafler, a psychotherapist, write, and speaker and former therapist at Google. I got SO much out of this book and my notes covered the review pages for 2 books instead of 1! This book explored types of perfectionists, lessons learned, and strategies of coping with perfectionism. I will most more about this book in the future, but for now, here are a few lessons:

  • I am mostly a classic perfectionist (and partially a Parisian perfectionist). I value structure, consistency, predictability, an understanding of all the options so as to make an informed decision, high standards, objectivity, and clarity through organization. I don’t like disorder, I have difficulty adjusting to schedule changes, and I tend to experience spontaneity as stressful. Itinerary-centered existence can rob classic perfectionists of the opportunity to grow in a way that wasn’t planned or goal-oriented.
  • Right now, with all the things you have yet to achieve, you are as worthy of all the love, joy, dignity, freedom, and connection as you would be had you already achieved them. You are worthy of all these things because you exist.
  • There are many raw manifestations of perfectionism:
    • emotional (want to experience a perfect emotional state)
    • cognitive (want to understand perfectly)
    • behavioral (want to behave perfectly in my roles and perform perfectly in my tasks)
    • object (want external thing, such as desk, hair, etc. to exist in a perfect state)
    • process (want process to begin, continue, and end perfectly)

5 out of 5 stars

“If my body could speak: poems” by Blythe Baird included poems mostly about rape and eating disorders. Here are some lines that stood out to me:

  • “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.”
  • “If your body could speak, would she forgive you?”
  • “One day after years of starving and gaining and fighting, I stepped on a scale and suddenly that number didn’t say anything about me…and that night nothing on my plate said anything about me either. Later, I got ice cream from a truck and I didn’t have to make myself earn it.”
  • “I found a way to heal through the poetry. The stage is the only place I could tell my story where it wasn’t a liability I was putting onto anyone. This stage is where i learned to stop hoarding my suffering.”
  • “Do not say you didn’t try. Remember: you did the best you could in the situation you were in with the materials you had.”

4 out of 5 stars

“Lessons Learned and Cherished: The Teacher Who Changed My Life” was compiled by Deborah Roberts, an award-winning ABC News journalist. This book was touching, although the stories seemed to have a specific format/agenda – nearly every essay mentioned that teachers are underpaid/underappreciated at the end of each essay.

Here are four of the lessons learned and cherished:

  • Every teacher has the potential to make a student feel connected, valued, and worthy. The greatest gift you can give is your full presence.
  • A difficult teacher can inspire you to persevere and believe in yourself. – Deborah Roberts
  • Teachers mean the world for a child’s development. Kids are not guaranteed a wonderful home base. Kids can be struggling with emotional distress or even violence, and their teachers can be the safe haven.
  • When a teacher believes in a student before they believe in themselves, they blossom. – Keri Shahidi

4 out of 5 stars

“Picturing Joy: Moments of Connection” was compiled by photographer George Lange. George’s work has appeared in many popular publications, and he has shot many of the iconic images from TV shows and ads for TV shows. This book was not quite what I expected. George shared stories of how he captured those moments. There were some great photos and interesting stories. Here are some takeaways from this book:

  • Photos are the artifacts of the experience a photographer creates. Photos reflect what he feels more than what he sees.
  • The role of a photographer is only to be hip enough to get in the room but not have to be the center of it. His approach is to create a space for people to reveal a part of themselves to him, and his intention is to find a way to put love out in the world.
  • “My time with subjects is often incredibly brief. A small window into a life I would never get to share without my camera.”

4 out of 5 stars

“To Hell With the Hustle” was written by Jefferson Bethke, the New York Times bestselling author of Jesus>Religion and It’s Not What You Think and host of The Real Life podcast. This book was not what I expected and seemed very scatterbrained, but there were some good takeaways. Here are some that resonated with me most.

  • When our work becomes who we are and we derive our ultimate value and meaning from it, it runs the risk of becoming our god – the thing we worship, bow down to, and become slaves of.
  • It’s time to stop and consider the cost of all this hustle, speed, and disillusionment. To hell with it – meaning we’re done and it comes from Hell. Jesus was never in a hurry. He was actively resisting cultural pressures on many levels. Hustle isn’t him.
  • Scripture doesn’t talk much about goals. It is focused on our identity and who we are becoming. Are we becoming more like Jesus by the practices and formations we are doing?
  • Have you ever noticed how a lot of Jesus’ miracles were not a part of his plan? They happened on his way somewhere else. You have to go at a pace that can be interrupted. That can be responsive to the moment in front of you.
  • The goal is “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” NOT “Well accomplished, my busy and hustled servant.” Well done. Faithful. If we want to get there, we have to actively resist the myriad voices and influences that subtly hypnotize us into a busier, noisier, more hustled lifestyle. Say no, that’s not the way of Jesus. That’s not the speed of Jesus. That’s not the cadence of Jesus. To hell with the hustle. I’ll take him instead.

4 out of 5 stars

“The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness” was written by Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD. Robert Waldinger, MD is a professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Marc Schulz, PhD is the associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development and a practicing therapist.

The Harvard Study of Adult Devlopment has followed the lives of two generations of individuals from the same families for more than 80 years – asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy. I will post more about this book in the future, but for now, here are some lessons:

  • The good life is not a destination. It is the path itself and the people who are walking it with you.
  • Good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.
  • An investment in our social fitness isn’t only an investment in our lives as they are now. It is an investment that will affect everything about how we live in the future. Like a tree needs water, relationships are living things and need attention and maintenance.
  • Curiosity goes a long way in relationships. It opens up avenues of conversation and knowledge and helps others feel understood and appreciated.

5 out of 5 stars

“Calling A Wolf A Wolf” consisted of poems by Kaveh Akbar. To be honest, I didn’t really like this collection. The format of the poems bothered me, and the phrases were scattered with no punctuation. Here is an example:

There were many poems about alcoholism, but the language didn’t make sense to me. Here are a few lines I liked:

What Seems Like Joy – “My father believed in gardens – delighting at burying each thing in its potential for growth. Some years the soil was so hard the water seeped down slower than the green seeped up. Still he’d say if you’re not happy in your own yard you won’t be happy anywhere.”

Portrait of the alcoholic floating in space with severed umbilicus – “I always hoped that when I died I would know why. My brother will be so sad he will tell his daughter I was better than I was. He will leave out my cruel drunk nights the wet mattresses my driving alone into cornfields unsure whether I’d drive out.”

“Now I listen for the sighs of people who love me, each agitation I create a reminder that I am less than constant in my grace.”

2 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – June 27, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Relationships Daily – When Your Expectations of Others is Making You Frustrated
  • Our expectations of others often cause our own struggles and frustrations. The frustrations with others are caused by our own expectations. We want people to behave differently than they do, and we get frustrated when they don’t act the way we want them to.
  • Without the expectations, we could be happy and at peace. We could see the good in others instead of only how they fall short of our expectations.
  • Think of the expectations you have of others as an imaginary bubble you’ve created and pop the bubble! Without the bubble, you are free of expectations! What is the other person like without your expectations of them?
  • Practice compassion for others. They are probably reacting in a habitual way from fear and pain.
  • Don’t take anything personally. Whatever the person does is about them.

I came across this poem this week and it resonated with me.

Let Them Poem By Cassie Phillips
“Let Them” by Cassie Phillips

“Just Let Them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.

If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own.
So let them.
Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.

Let them have a safe place in you.

Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.

Let them love you.”

You have to accept yourself just as you are without having to make changes for others. If you feel that you have to change to maintain a relationship, and if that change is always one-sided, that relationship may need to be given consideration.

You deserve to be valued and to feel valued. You are the only one who has control of you unless you give that control away to someone else. Have a big conversation with yourself about where those boundaries need to be. Self-care involves putting yourself and your considerations at the top of the pile. If others aren’t doing it, you must do it.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty – If You’ve Been Feeling Drained…Listen To This
  • Studies show that we have 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day and 80% of those are negative or repetitive.
  • Principle 1: Accept and action – acceptance followed up by an action. Ex: I’m really drained, and so… I’ll go to bed early tonight. I’m really drained, and so… I’ll cancel going to that event this weekend.
  • Stop ignoring your repetitive thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They are repeating for a reason. They want you to pay attention.
  • Principle 2: You don’t always have to be at 100% energy. Be able to say to yourself and to others why you aren’t at 100% and be able to communicate your challenges. When can you be at 50% energy, and what does it look like in communicating that? How can you give your best tasks your best energy? Time block.
  • Principle 3: It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to cancel social events or to decline. Burnout, exhaustion, and feeling drained are not worth anything.
  • Principle 4: Stress is when you are demanding too much of your body and mind. Be strategic with your time. Ask yourself whether it is necessary to take something on right now. Which of your meetings can be solved with an e-mail?
  • Principle 5: Have a reset day, hour, or half-day. Make it a perfect day. Carve out time that’s fully under your control.
  • Principle 6: Be kind to yourself. When you are feeling drained, ask yourself how you can be kinder to yourself. The voice in our head is often criticizing ourselves about how we can be and do better. If we are stressing ourselves, we are draining ourselves from within. If you were kinder to yourself, what do you believe you would achieve?
  • Principle 7: Allow yourself to vent and let it out. When you talk about stress with the right people, it makes you feel lighter. Let that stress out. Distance yourself from the stressor if you can.
  • Principle 8: Get restful sleep. So often we are trying to solve something in our mind when we need to solve it in our body. If you’re struggling with your body, figure out what you can change in your mind. Sleep, diet, exercise, hydration, and stress management are all important in managing burnout.
  • Principle 9: Wash your mind the night before. What do you want to leave behind today? What are you going to wash away today? Wash your mind the night before and leave the draining behind.

I really liked this post from Gabe the Bass Player this week:

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/running-its-course

Running Its Course

June 25, 2024

Things don’t run their course. The band, the relationship, the project.

We simply decide to stop putting the necessary energy into it to keep them going.

Things don’t have an inherent course of their own. And things don’t have an opinion or get tired or burnt out or lazy or lose interest or get a new dream or desire.

People do.

So when the thing is over let’s be honest about why it’s over. It isn’t the thing’s or the course’s decision.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – May 16, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Relationships Daily – 5 Reasons We Talk “At” Each Other And How to Listen
  • It’s easy to assume you know what your partner is going to say. Instead, stay curious.
  • You’re thinking about what you’re going to say and can barely wait for them to stop taking. Instead, stay in the moment.
  • You’re responding to their “tone” rather than listening to their words. Instead, ask for another approach.
  • You’re distracted by something else. Instead, give one another a heads up that you need their attention.
  • You can misread your partner’s motive or intent. Instead, ask questions and try to assume good intention.
NerdWallet’s Smart Money Podcast – Save on Home Insurance Amid Rising Costs and Coverage Hurdles
  • 7.4% of homeowners in the U.S. are uninsured (millions of people).
  • The average annual premium for home insurance across the U.S. has increased 6% year-over-year – much more than that in some areas. Ours doubled within two years.
  • Between 1980 and 1989, the U.S. saw 33 disasters that caused 1 billion dollars or more of damages. In 2023, there were 28 disasters that caused more than 1 billion dollars or more of damage in one year alone.
  • Inflation – cost of labor and materials – higher rebuilding costs=higher premiums
  • There are some companies that won’t insure homeowners in certain areas, such as Florida, Louisiana, and California.
  • As the cost of homeowners insurance continues to rise, more people will go uninsured. Homeowners who make less than $50k per year are twice as likely to be uninsured as those who make more than that. 22% of Native American homeowners, 14% of Latino homeowners, and 11% of Black homeowners go without home insurance. 35% of people who own manufactured homes are uninsured.
  • Homeowners are more likely to be uninsured if they live in rural areas, if they live in Houston/Miami metro areas, or if they live in New Mexico/Mississippi/Louisiana.
  • Shop around for homeowners’ insurance annually! Reach out to a local independent insurance agent.
  • Make sure that you have enough insurance. Inflation has caused the cost of materials to increase in recent years, so many people are underinsured. Read your insurance policy carefully to make sure you understand the coverage and limitations.
  • Look into what steps you can take to mitigate the risks you’re likely to face in your area – flood vents, fire-resistant siding, alarm system, etc.
  • Worst case scenario: consider relocating. Many people are finding they have no choice but to pack up and move to a place where they can afford to insure their homes.
Life Kit – Colorectal cancer rates are on the rise. Here’s what to know
  • Colorectal cancer is the first cause of cancer death in men and the second in women.
  • Most colorectal cancer starts out as a polyp and is highly curable when localized to the bowel. Surgery is the main way it is treated, and it leads to a cure in about 50% of cases.
  • The recommendation is to start getting colorectal cancer screenings at age 45. If you have a sibling or parent who has a history of colorectal cancer, you should start screening at age 35.
  • A colonoscopy is the gold standard screening tool and is recommended every ten years for those who don’t have an increased risk of colorectal cancer.
  • Another commonly used tool is a stool test: fecal immunochemical test (FIT). It detects small amounts of blood in the stool and is done annually.
  • Cologuard is a stool DNA test which detects blood and DNA changes that come from a cancerous or pre-cancerous polyp in the stool.
  • During a colonoscopy, a doctor inserts a scope with a camera into the rectum to see the entire colon. They can cut out polyps or abnormal tissues and send off biopsy tissues for analysis. It is not uncommon to find and remove several polyps during the procedure.
  • Prep for a colonoscopy: 24 hours clear liquid diet + laxative beverage to clear you out before the procedure.
  • A colonoscopy is a procedure that can find and eliminate the polyp that is the cancer!
  • Symptoms to watch out for: blood in stool, change in bowel habits, weight loss for no known reason, feeling of bloating/fullness/fatigue
  • Risk factors: lack of regular physical activity, a diet low in fruits and vegetables, a diet low in fiber, a diet with too much fat or too much processed meats, being overweight or obese, alcohol and tobacco use
Life Kit – Create the birthday you want to celebrate
  • If we want to celebrate our birthdays with joy, we need to take charge of our day and make it what we want. It’s up to you to be proactive about your birthday and to take the reigns on how you want your day to go.
    • For my birthday this year (May 10), I wanted a weekend away. My husband and I enjoyed a cave tour, mini golf, a picnic lunch, renting bikes and biking on a state trail, going out for supper, and relaxing in the evening.
  • There is no right or wrong way to celebrate your birthday. Think of your birthday as your own personal holiday, which requires some prep. If you want to, order tickets to a show, order a cake, etc. Communicate your vision to other people involved. Don’t wait for others to show up and make things happen for you.
  • Tell people it’s your birthday if you want to.
  • Buy yourself something you really want. Buy yourself a $1 scratch-off ticket.
  • If you hate your birthday, keep things simple. Take the day off if you can and choose something you want to do for yourself.
  • Small steps could mean buying a single slice of birthday cake, calling and catching up with a friend, journaling, etc.

Self Improvement Daily – Brutally Honest With Ourselves, Skillfully Honest With Others

The most impactful thing we can hear from ourselves is the direct, unbiased, unfiltered version of what’s going on. We often add fluff to mute the blow to protect us from anything that’s psychologically challenging. Don’t be so blunt that you become self-deprecating but give yourself grace as you accept the truth.

When dealing with others, there’s a lot more context that comes into play. The recipient must be open to hearing what you have to say if you want it to be effective. So navigating honesty more delicately allows the message to be less confrontational and more collaborative.

Be brutally honest with yourself and skillfully honest with others.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – April 11, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Finance Daily – 10 Money Questions Every Couple Must Answer

Note that these questions are for couples in serious long-term relationships. You and your partner may not agree on everything. It’s more important to work through conflicts and come to an understanding.

  1. What is your policy on loaning money to relatives? Are you supporting/do you plan to support any family members?
  2. How much money have you saved?
  3. How much debt do you have?
  4. Are you comfortable investing or do you prefer to keep your money in the bank?
  5. Are you a saver or spender?
  6. How do you feel about merging finances once we’re married? This question has a lot to do with the question about how much your partner has saved. If you’re the only saver, you may not want to merge finances.
  7. Do you have a budget…and can I see it?
  8. Will you support me if I choose not to work?
  9. What type of bill payer are you? Minimum payments/full bill upfront? Automatic bill pay/send via mail? Do you pay all bills on time?
  10. What is your dream, and how do you plan on paying for it?

I thought this podcast was very interesting and I wish I had known about these questions sooner. For full transparency, I did not/have not asked all of these questions, but I think it’s a great idea!

The Liz Moody Podcast – 10 Learnings From My Week At The Life-Changing Hoffman Process Personal Growth Retreat
  • When you are saying how you feel, use “I” instead of “you.” This helps the emotion and experience feel more personal.
  • If you are struggling to change, start with any action. Action is required for change. You can act yourself into a new way of thinking, but you can’t think yourself into a new way of action.
  • We are all human and we are all going through challenges, so stop judging other people. By judging others, you are paving those pathways in your brain that are primed for judgment, and you are priming yourself to judge yourself. When you notice you’re telling yourself a story about someone else in your head, talk to them and find out more about them.
  • Clarity is kind. Don’t beat around the bush.
  • In order to heal, we need to turn out instead of in. Involve other people instead of keeping to yourself. The power of community is vital to healing. You are not a burden. Reach out to people. Relationship bonds heal relationship wounds.
  • Fun is a key part of healing. Access connection, joy, and love. Healing doesn’t always need to be hard and not fun. You can enjoy the process of becoming the person that you want to be. You will get better results if the healing process is enjoyable, too.
  • Everything we see in others is typically also in us – “You spot it, you’ve got it.” In other people, we notice the things that we are most sensitive about or don’t like about ourselves as much. The traits we find most triggering in other people are usually things we are dealing with internally and things we are reacting to negatively within ourselves. When we notice positive attributes in other people, often those are positive traits we notice and value about ourselves.
  • Don’t forgive and forget. That sets you up for future hurt. Forgive and remember because holding on to it only hurts you. Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies. The only person made prisoner by our resentment is ourselves.
  • When you impress people into liking you, it makes you feel inherently unlovable. It can make you feel that without those things, you wouldn’t be lovable or likable to people. If people only like you because of your status/your job, you may feel unlovable without your job. When we give people an arbitrary sense of status (ex: celebrities), we’re actually depriving them of their ability to be human and to feel lovable for who they authentically are.
    • When we don’t share what we do for work, the ways you identify your relationships with people are built on who you really are on the inside. You’re forced to present a raw version of yourself, and people will love you for you. You have worth outside of your job and the work that you do.
  • Be, do, have. How do you want to feel? How do you want to live? Let that influence what you do in the world and the choices you make. Those choices, as a result of the being and doing, will create the things that you have. You’ll have a different relationship with those things because you won’t need those things to be happy.
    • Be, do, have instead of do, have, be.

  • How do we help people who are different from one another experience a sense of belonging and support in the workplace?
    • Acknowledge that we all have some privilege. Ex: access to hot water, drinking water, etc. Being aware of our privilege helps us to see where we have access and ease, and access and ease give us power. What about me or my experience might someone look at and consider to be typical?
    • We need to be willing to recognize the differences in people and want to get to know them across those differences. Let me learn about your experiences so that I can develop empathy for you and gain perspective I wouldn’t otherwise have. Hear their stories, gain empathy, and broaden your view. Ex: interviews – how often do we dismiss candidates because we didn’t think they were a culture fit or they didn’t give us the exact example we wanted? What if we used their stories to evaluate where they have an opportunity to thrive and grow? Hear their circumstances and experiences.
    • Extend your privilege to others respectfully and impactfully in the ways you are able to.
    • Allyship can involve considering food allergies, accepting correction when you mispronounce someone’s name, left-handed scissors, etc. What do you have the ability to do to support others?

I really liked this blog post from Seth’s Blog this week:

Analyzing the last move

Analyzing the last move

“When the deal falls apart, or the team loses the game, or a partnership hits the rocks, it’s easy to focus our energy on what just happened.

“What if they had called a different play?”

This overlooks the real issue. It’s the first move, or the fifth, that led to this problem, not what happened at the last moment.

Creating the conditions for success is a very different project than finding a heroic move that saves the day.“

This post from Gabe the Bass Player also resonated with me this week. Often, we envy the successes, accomplishments, or belongings of others. Yet, we aren’t willing to do what it takes to obtain them.”

What Will You Give Up

April 9, 2024

“One of the hardest parts of getting to where we want to go is giving up the things that make us feel good in the short term…

It’s hard to give up scrolling

It’s hard to give up Netflix

It’s hard to give up scrolling Netflix

It’s hard to give up the peace and quiet that comes from not doing much…or doing the same old things.

It’s hard to give up the notion that people will understand why you’re doing what you’re doing

It’s hard to give up your norms

It’s hard to give up not rocking the boat

It’s hard to give up the security of your hard won reputation

The best way to get to the new place is by starting something new…and giving up something else is a great way to start.”

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – March 14, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

The Liz Moody Podcast – 15 Love Lessons From 15 Years In A Relationship

Here are the lessons that resonated the most with me:

If you see something, say something. In a relationship, if you see something you love/admire/think they are doing well, don’t keep it to yourself.

Question the “shoulds.” Be intentional about your decisions. Should you get engaged just because you’ve been together a certain amount of time? Should you have kids at a certain age or have kids at all? Should you drink any time someone else is at a social gathering? Should you follow pressures and milestones from society and friends? Your relationship is your relationship. Don’t compare yourself to others.

As work dynamics have changed, you need to be more intentional about making friends. Intentionally expose yourself to people on a regular basis through a book club, walking club, sport, etc. Put yourself in a reoccurring way in front of other people. Suggest avenues to your partner to gain connections.

If your relationship is boring, you need to do more interesting things. Give your relationship the new outputs it needs and deserves – conversations, activities, etc. Ex: Read a separate article each week and tell your partner what you read, learned, and anything interesting you would like to discuss from that article. It will result in more interesting conversations. Ex: podcast walks with partner – discuss podcast at the end of the walk to spark new conversations

Assume the best intentions. Even if it is your partner’s fault, recognize that your partner can be at fault without intending to hurt you.

Plan together. It is really easy for people to change and for their desires to change. There are expectations people have, and when they are not spoken, we run into real problems. Communicate your desires so that you can plan together.

Communication is the crux of all relationship success and woes. Get your partner to know what you want in life and know what they want in life.

Sad to Savage – 26 Things I’ve Learned at 26

Here are some of the best lessons mentioned in this podcast:

  • Putting up boundaries with other people starts with you making boundaries for yourself. It’s okay to be selfish with your time.
  • The quality of the people you spend time with matters more than the quantity.
  • Growth is not always linear, and sometimes you need to have low moments and face challenges to grow.
  • You need to make the choice to walk away from something that no longer serves you.
  • When life changes and things do not go according to plan, that’s because it’s not according to YOUR plan. God has a plan for you.
  • Self-limiting beliefs can be broken. Figure out what your self-limiting beliefs are.
  • Comparison truly is the thief of joy. Don’t compare your timeline to someone else’s.
  • You will never find the time. You need to create it.
  • You truly never know what someone is dealing with beyond the surface.
Optimal Living Daily – 8 Habits to Keep Paper Clutter to a Minimum
  • Deal with papers immediately. As soon as you get the mail, toss all of the junk mail.
    • For school papers, have kids do the homework ASAP and put it back into the backpack so it’s done and ready for the next day.
    • Sign any permission slips and put them right back in the backpack.
    • Let go of all of the drawings that were sent home. If you find something unique, you can take a picture with your child holding it and talk to your child about it before letting it go.
    • Church bulletins – take a photo if needed, mark events on your calendar, and throw them away.
  • Have an inbox for all of the papers that need to be dealt with soon.
  • Have a long-term filing system for things that need to be kept, such as tax records, personal records, etc.
  • Set a weekly time to catch up on paper. Take time each week to pay bills, deal with papers, etc.
  • Set as many statements as possible to “paperless.” Set aside time each week to pay/review/respond as necessary. Automate bills.
  • Toss receipts if you don’t need them for tax purposes.
  • Cancel magazine subscriptions.
  • Avoid paper couponing.

This week I have been reading a fascinating book called “Like, Literally, Dude: Arguing for the Good in Bad English” by Valerie Fridland. Valerie pointed out research about the differences of “uh” vs “um” and their impact.

“Um” is used when longer delays in answering a question are anticipated. “Uh” indicates that our listener may need to wait a second or two for an answer, but “um” indicates they will need to wait longer. A filled pause (“uh” or “um” instead of silence) conveys information at a meta level.

“Uh” or “um” signals listeners to be on alert because there is generally something requiring greater cognitive effort happening. People typically use filled pauses when talking about unfamiliar, difficult, unpredictable, or abstract things, so we incorporate that knowledge into how we unpack what they say. People perform better on memory tests when hearing words such as “uh” or “um” before important statements or stories. This may be because we have more processing time to think about what is going to be said (during the filled pause of “um“). These pauses alert us to pay closer attention to what is being said.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!