Thoughtful Thursday – June 6, 2024

June 6, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Sad to Savage – How to Create Habits and A Routine With An Inconsistent Schedule

Keep a consistent amount of time that you need instead of a consistent time you need to wake up.
Pick 1-3 things you want to do in a morning routine and figure out how long it takes to do those tasks. Usually 1 hour – then figure out what time you need to wake up each day
Write out your schedule each week.
Create at least two morning routines: weekdays vs. weekends. Days you are working vs. days you are off.
What would your ideal morning routine be for the days you are working? What would your ideal morning routine look like for the days you are off?
Choose a workout you like to do and one that you can do consistently. Build a habit of physical movement on the days that you have off. Build a physical health habit that is realistic and that you can keep consistent.

Time consistency helps build your habit – same time every day
If you feel like you don’t have time for things, time block. See how much time you are spending on your phone each day instead.
Prioritize waking up earlier and doing a morning routine, or work on your routine right away when you get home from work.
Grocery shop and meal plan and prep on one of your days off.
Nighttime routine- get meals ready for the next day.
Focus on having a short routine and long routine. Short routine for nights you work late, are exhausted, and don’t have much time – pick 1-3 things that are crucial for your success the next day (scheduling workout, washing your face, setting out clothes). Long routine for days you aren’t stressed and aren’t getting home late (prepping food for next day, tidying room, reading before bed, washing your face, setting out clothes, etc.)

Inside Out Money – Progress over Perfection

Perfectionism – striving for flawlessness, holding excessively high personal standards, and having overly negative reactions to perceived mistakes and setbacks – can lead to a lot of self-criticism and rumination
Root of perfectionism is deficit and lack – whole existence is to prove to other people that we are good enough, we have skills, we matter, and that we are high-functioning.
Perfectionism can be linked to imposter syndrome. If you’re trying to project a perfect person all the time to others, you might feel like an imposter.

Combat perfectionism
- Mindfulness – Be present in the moment and understand the emotions that are going on within you – passing thoughts and passing emotions.
- Meditation
- Vulnerability
- Self-compassion
- Radical acceptance – we can’t control everything. We need to do the best with what we have.
Focus on balance and progress over perfection with finances.

Have a growth mindset. See mistakes as learning opportunities. We can always strive to get together while also being kind and compassionate to ourselves and those around us.
Tips:
- Just get started. Don’t put off working on your finances and tracking your net worth and expenses just because you are afraid to see the results.
- Focus on the things that you need to improve around your finances and set realistic goals. Ex: improving credit score, paying off debt, increasing savings rate
- Learn from your mistakes. Recognize ahead of time that you will make mistakes and you can get better at this.
- Set consistent habits and automate things when you can.
- Avoid perfection paralysis. There is never a perfect time or perfect situation to start doing better. Don’t wait for the right time.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty – 7 Habits to Be Present

Wake up twenty minutes before you have to. If your first thought when you wake up is, “I’m already behind” you are already living in a feeling that you need to catch up with time. Our language and our thoughts set how we feel. That thought will repeat itself for the rest of the day. If you start your day slower mentally and physically, you can maintain that momentum as it speeds up.
Connect with yourself. What is the one thing you need to do for yourself today?
Calendar – what is the one thing you need to do today to make it a great day?
Check in with someone else.

One device at a time: tv, laptop, phone. Your brain processes background noise. Limit your focus to one device at a time. Having a rule is better than not having a boundary.
Take thirty seconds when you enter a new room, new space, or a new part of your day to engage your senses. What can you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste?
Obey the speed limit. One of the ways we feel the most out of touch is when we are driving. Is shaving off two minutes worth the risks of what you may experience?

Be present with your breath. Breathe in for 4 and out for 4 counts. Reconnect with your breath and your body.
Prioritize extended periods of silence – increases brain cells, helps you be more focused and productive, helps you relax and slow down
Experience nature – gives us a feeling of time abundance, sense of time is slower and more meaningful

Life Kit – Summer fun on a budget

Public parks and beaches
Field day with friends – three-legged race, water balloon toss
Park programming – events calendar
Penny date – explore things without an objective. Take a coin, pick a direction for heads and tails, and flip the coin and see what direction it takes you. Stop when you see something interesting.
Go to the farmer’s market.
Parades
Coloring book and colored pencils
Open mic nights/poetry slams
Museums – some museums offer free admission on certain days
Recreate a family recipe.
Themed hangouts – pick a theme and invite people over
House/apartment swap with a friend
Go to an open house, even if you aren’t in the market
Go to the mall and try on silly outfits
Write your future self a letter

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

May 2024 Reads

June 4, 2024 amybenoit

I read four books in May 2024. Here is a brief synopsis of the four books I read in May 2024, some of which I will post about in greater detail in the future.

“Becoming A Crime Scene Investigator” by Jacqueline Detwiler-George was an interesting overview of crime scene investigation and forensic science. Here are some of the main points covered in this book:

This job has many names: crime scene investigator, evidence technician, forensic investigator, crime scene technician, crime scene analyst, and crime scene examiner.
The science part of crime scene investigation involves knowing how to collect evidence so that it can be analyzed and deployed in court and knowing what to grab at the scene.
Crime scene investigators do not perform all of the functions they are depicted handling on tv. It is different everywhere. Some police/sheriff’s departments have their own crime labs, while others send all evidence to regional or state labs for processing.
Crime scene investigators used to be generalists. Now they specialize. Forensic analysts often collect master’s degrees and professional certifications.
Most standard crimes can be solved with a combination of photography, DNA evidence, serology, fingerprints, ballistics comparison, drug chemistry, and computer forensics.
- Less common: blood spatter analysis, trace evidence analysis, forensic anthropology, and questioned documents
A background in hard science and forensics can lead a person toward dozens of different exciting careers, such as forensic anthropology, veterinary forensics, mail crime, digital forensics, arson investigation, bomb analysis, medical and mortuary sciences, chemical warfare forensics, etc.

4 out of 5 stars

“Know Your Endo” was written by Jessica Murnane and merged the science and research on pain and endometriosis with the real-world experiences of people living with endo. This book also included management practices for endometriosis while also emphasizing that there is no cure. I highly recommend this book to anyone with endometriosis.

Here are some main takeaways:

If you’re a person living with endometriosis, caring for yourself needs to be your number-one priority.

Think about how much your pain and symptoms get in the way of your relationships, your work, and/or giving back to your community. Now think about how much more time you would have to give to them if you felt better.

Many people with endo can have inflammation of their appendix, colon, or the lining of their stomach that can cause bloat and swelling.
Endo fatigue is one of the hardest symptoms to manage – an intense, deep, and permeating feeling of exhaustion that can be hard to shake, no matter how hard you try.
Management practices: self-compassion, meaningful connections, mindfulness, movement, supplements, avoiding inflammatory foods, and prioritizing yourself

Big inflammatories: processed and packaged foods, dairy, red meat, refined sugars and synthetic sweeteners, fried foods, soda, refined carbs, alcohol, and caffeine. **You are the only one who knows how your body feels when you eat certain foods, and it’s your responsibility to listen to it.**

4 out of 5 stars

“The Body Keeps the Score” was an intense read about the effects of trauma and pathways to recovery written by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. This book took me a whopping thirteen days to read – mostly because I found it pretty depressing and wasn’t eager to read it each day. I regularly read about traumatic experiences in the course of my work, and adding this book on top of that was sometimes too much. With that said, I learned SO much from this book and will post more about it at another time. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced trauma. Here are some main lessons that stood out to me:

In today’s world, your zip code, even more than your genetic code, determines whether you will lead a safe and healthy life. Income, family structure, housing, employment, and educational opportunities affect risk of developing traumatic stress and access to effective help to address it. Poverty, unemployment, inferior schools, social isolation, widespread availability of guns, and substandard housing are all breeding grounds for trauma. Trauma breeds further trauma. Hurt people hurt other people.”

What has happened cannot be undone. What can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on the body, mind, and soul. The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and your mind – finding a way to become calm and focused; learning to maintain that calm in response to images, thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations that remind you of the past; finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the people around you; and not having to keep secrets from yourself, including secrets about the ways that you have managed to survive.

“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.”

Treatments explored in this book include medications, sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic experiencing, cognitive behavioral therapy, virtual reality therapy, acupuncture, massage, yoga, EMDR, writing to yourself, neurofeedback training, theater, self-awareness, and having a good support network.

Many psychiatrists today resort to doling out pills to relieve pain, anxiety, or depression, which doesn’t address the real issues: What are these patients trying to cope with? What are their internal or external resources? Do they have caring relationships with their bodies? Do they have dynamic interactions with other people? Whom can they count on? Are they members of a community? Do they have a sense of purpose? How can we help them feel in charge of their lives?

4 out of 5 stars

“Extreme Measures: Finding A Better Path to the End of Life” was written by Jessica Nutik Zitter, MD, an expert on the medical experience of death and dying who is double-boarded in the two specialties of pulmonary/critical care medicine and palliative care medicine – a rare combination. This book was fascinating, educational, emotional, and empowering. So many points and stories in this book will stick with me and I highly recommend this book to everyone. Here are some main points:

Often people die in the ICU on the end-of-life conveyer belt, where issues are treated until the patient dies. People who request treatment rarely understand the realities involved in “doing everything.” In the ICU, very few people have the opportunity to live life all the way through to the end. Too often the tools take life away from the dying.
There are certain treatments that Americans have come to see as their rights, whether or not the physician deems them to be beneficial in a particular case: breathing machines, feeding tubes, cardiac resuscitation with electric shocks and chest compressions, and dialysis. Most physicians feel they are powerless to withhold these treatments if the patient/family insists on their use.
Ask about the benefits and burdens of treatments, alternatives, and your or your family member’s prognosis.

Don’t expect your family to know your wishes or to make difficult decisions in the ICU. Identify what matters to you. What is your conception of a life worth living? Being free of pain? Engaging in relationships? Autonomy? Engaging in work and meaningful tasks? Living in your own home? Not being a physical/emotional/financial burden on your family? The best-laid paths to the end of life have been paved with ongoing reflection and communication. As people approach death, their priorities shift. Tools to convey your wishes include the Advance Directive, DNR order (good only for a particular admission at a particular time), and the POLST (follows you everywhere).

5 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

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Thoughtful Thursday – May 30, 2024

May 30, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Living Daily – 8 Signs You’re A Perfectionist

You have the all or nothing mindset. The outcome has to either be perfect or there will be no outcome at all. You are either a success or a failure.
You fear failure. You have a fear of putting yourself out there and going out of your comfort because you might not be seen as “perfect.”
You might have trust issues. This has to do with the fear of letting go of control. You have the idea that if something needs to be done perfectly, you need to do it yourself. Letting go of this need for control and learning to trust other people is crucial for overcoming perfectionism.

You “should” all over yourself. You spend a lot of time in the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” land.
You procrastinate without end to find the right time to work on your goals.
You would rather give up than not do something perfectly. Putting decent work out there is a must to drive you all the way to your dream destination.
You spot mistakes everywhere. You see mistakes where other people don’t and you make it your mission in life to uncover them in all situations.
You fear judgment. The truth is that people don’t really think about you as much as you think they do. You don’t need other people’s approval to live your life; you just need your own.

Sad to Savage – Making Health and Fitness A Lifestyle With Savannah Wright

Make a plan for the week. Know that some weeks will be busier with events and obligations and you might not be able to work out as much as you want to. That is fine. Overall consistency is key, but not every week will be perfect.
Know that your body will change. You will need to alter your workouts. Don’t compare your body to how it was years ago. Your body may be looking for a different kind of workout.
Mindful mile – run a mile without music – focus on mindfulness – your breath and your thoughts

Yet, at the same time, you show up every day for work and for others. Show up every day for yourself. Don’t rely on motivation. Rely on self-respect, commitment, and dedication.
Give a new fitness program 90 days before deciding if it’s for you long-term.
Don’t wait until you “have the time.” Find the time. Prioritize yourself and your health.
If you can stream shows for an hour or hours, you have time to work out. You can even walk on the treadmill or lift weights while you watch.
Determine your why. Is it longevity? Physique? An event? You want to feel better? You’re only doing it because someone told you to do it?

Life Kit – How to practice ‘deep reading’

Reading can be extremely difficult because things are competing for your attention. Our brains aren’t meant to deep read; it is supposed to be hard.
Reduce distractions.
Deep reading takes place when we become so immersed in deep thought and concentration and don’t give in to distractions.
We tend to skim instead of deep read. Skimming is one of the greatest disruptions of deep reading. It’s a defense mechanism.
Screens are fine if you are skimming. If you want to deep read, you have a better chance of minimizing distractions if you read on paper, where you can go at your own pace.

Start by forcing yourself to read at least 20 minutes per day in print – not on screens.
Deep reading takes practice, discipline, and finding time devoted to it each day.
Do not be concerned about how many books you are reading. People read at different speeds and different books require different paces. Let the book determine your pace and enjoy your own pace.
There is more memory that consolidates than we have immediate perceptible access to. On the other hand, when we skim, we consolidate less. Taking notes adds to your ability to remember and reading the notes about what you read activates what you actually did remember and have stored.
Deep reading is a place of discovery of others, discovery of beauty, and discovery of appreciation for our ability to think outside the bounds of our everyday lives.

Real Simple Tips – 5 Grocery Items to Avoid, According to Professional Chefs

Store-bought pesto – hard no for many. It is so easy to make at home with whatever greens you like and need to use up, and you can make it dairy-free if needed.
Jarred tomato sauce – full of sugars and preservatives. Instead, buy canned, whole, organic tomatoes, blend them up, and cook them down with your favorite aromatics in twenty minutes.
Premade salad dressings – make your own with olive oils, lemon juice, garlic, and herbs.
Boxed broth – save your veggie scraps (carrot peels, herb stems, garlic skins, etc.) and make broth when you have enough scraps. Use your veggie scraps with water, salt, and herbs and refrigerate or freeze batches.
Pre-grated parmesan – seek out parmesan and grate it fresh when you need it.

This list surprised me. I love cooking, although I am not a professional chef. Still, to save time, I buy jarred tomato sauce, premade salad dressings, and boxed broth!

The Personal Finance Podcast – Why Most Americans Are Poor (And How to Change That)

Credit card dependence – don’t use credit cards as an emergency expense vehicle. Have an emergency fund in place and take the time to build it up. Nearly half of Americans use credit cards to cover essential living expenses. Nearly half of Americans have reached their credit card limits at some point.
- If you aren’t making enough money to make ends meet, reduce expenses or increase your income. When you fall into credit card debt, you are paying an extremely high interest rate (often over 20%). Compound interest can cost you thousands of dollars. If you struggle with credit card debt, get rid of your credit cards and force yourself to make it work. Your credit card debt is robbing you of your financial freedom.

Decreased financial preparedness – when you are trying to build up your emergency fund, it can seem like you will never get ahead due to emergencies. You are likely either spending too much money or not making enough money. Income is the propeller that allows you to build more wealth. Have an emergency fund to protect you from life – medical deductible, vet, car repairs, etc.

Focus on how to get extra cash on hand. Open a high-yield savings account and automate contributions. Put at least $5,000 in a high-yield savings account then start to work up to 6 months of your monthly expenses.

People do not prioritize money flow. Figure out how much money you have coming in and where that money is going to go. Keep a list of all of your income and expenses in a spreadsheet.
- First, focus on housing, food, and transportation and get those expenses down. Car payments, groceries, and eating out are easy expenses to overspend on. Get them under control.

People worry about $10 problems instead of bigger problems: investment fees, mortgage interest, asset allocation, negotiating your salary, transportation costs, and student loan interest. Some of these will cost you six figures over time!
Over-reliance on buy now, pay later services for basic necessities – many people do it to avoid credit card interest. 46% of people use buy now, pay later for electronics, 56% use it for clothing, and 31% use it for furniture and appliances. Instead, save up for these items. If you don’t have the money, don’t buy it. Focus on building up your emergency fund. Buy now, pay later increases your debt volume, reduces your net worth, and can result in late fees and financial penalties

Lifestyle inflation and mismanagement of raises or bonuses – when you get married, it is easy to increase your lifestyle and want to do more. However, it’s still important to have a gap between your income and expenses.
- Every time you get a raise, put half of it toward investments and allow yourself to use half of it to increase your lifestyle.
Lack of financial education and planning – can use a financial planner (can cost a couple thousand dollars), take a class, or read books and research yourself

Low national savings rate – the average American saves 3.6% of their income. You need to save and invest the savings to retire. Experts say to save at least 20% of your income (and invest it) so that you can be able to retire. Some people save 50% of their income to retire very early!
People are trying to access their retirement funds early and doing it often – 10% penalty. Don’t do that. Don’t interrupt compound interest unnecessarily. This year, Americans will pay $6.1 billion in penalties for early 401k withdrawals!
People don’t understand compound interest – they don’t realize how much it impacts your finances and retirement.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

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Thoughtful Thursday – May 23, 2024

May 23, 2024May 23, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Fit, Healthy & Happy Podcast – 7 Steps to Increase & Boost Your Metabolism

Your metabolism determines how many calories you burn. Here are some tips to boost your metabolism.

Allow yourself to go through different phases of the journey.
Focus on building high quality muscle.
Stay active. Incorporate physical activity into your daily routine.
Increase protein intake. Protein requires more energy to digest compared to carbs or fat. Include protein-rich foods such as lean meats, fish, eggs, dairy, legumes, and nuts in your diet.
Stay hydrated. Drinking enough water is essential for a healthy metabolism.
Get enough sleep. Lack of sleep can disrupt your metabolism and lead to weight gain.
Manage stress. Chronic stress can lead to hormonal imbalances that can slow down your metabolism.
Remember that individual metabolism can vary based on factors such as age, genetics, and body composition. Focus on overall health and well-being rather than solely on boosting metabolism for weight loss.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty – 10 Steps on How To Set Boundaries Without Offending People

Often our definition of someone being a good human being is someone who doesn’t have boundaries. Our definition of what it means to be a good human needs to change at the core.
Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what we want or don’t want from others.
We think boundaries are protecting us from other people, but boundaries are protecting ourselves from ourselves. We can’t control anyone else’s actions, but we can control our own.

Set up “If” scenarios to set boundaries. If this… then this. Clearly communicate your boundaries.
You can justify your choice to yourself, but you don’t need to justify your choice to others.
How can you be honest, kind, and empathetic to their reaction? It’s okay to recognize that someone else has their own values about your situation. Be open to the idea that not everyone will agree with you.

Don’t have an expectation of how you want someone else to respond. Don’t project how you process things onto other people. If someone doesn’t act in the way you would or the way you think they should, remember that they are not you, and you are not them.
Become certain about your boundaries.

Ask yourself these questions when setting a boundary:
- What is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why is time important for you? Is it an idea you are trying to practice? A mindset you are trying to build?
- What happens when you don’t follow that boundary? How would your future self feel about it if you forego the boundary?
- How do you feel when you follow through on the boundary?

Plan a buffer. Someone will catch you off guard and ask for something at a time you don’t expect. It’s okay to ask for time or some space.
Observe others do uncomfortable things. Everything you admire in someone else is a skill that can be trained and is a life that you can live.
Start exposing yourself to simple actions of discomfort: calling to cancel or reschedule an appointment, declining an invite to a friend’s birthday, etc. Allow the exposures to scale. People will be offended and that’s okay.
Reset people’s expectations of you. Set boundaries.

The Big Flop – Beanie Babies Go Bust with Ian Karmel and Brian Moller

The Beanie Babies craze was in the 1990s. Each had a name, birthdate, and little story attached to them.
- I used to collect Beanie Babies and even had a special holder made for them. It resembled a coat rack but had little pieces of elastic to hang them on.
1993 – Beanie Babies debuted at the World Toy Fair in New York City and didn’t really take off
Scarcity is what set Beanie Babies apart from other stuffed animals.
- Beanie Babies were “retired” instead of “discontinued” – made it seem like a collector’s item and gave Beanie Babies a feeling of scarcity
- Not sold in popular retailers like Walmart or Toys R US – favored small independent stores and gift shops
  - The stores that sold them could only offer some of the Beanie Babies, so nobody could get the collection in one place. When people spotted them, they weren’t sure if they would see those Beanie Babies again, so they bought them.

1995 – website was created where you could buy the Beanie Babies and get extra intel, such as an online catalog with more information about the Beanie Babies, upcoming release dates, etc. Some sources cite this as the first business-to-consumer sales site on the internet! Demand is so high around the holidays that Ty, Inc. imported 3 737s full of Beanie Babies from Korea.
1995 – $28million in sales that year

Some were sold on Ebay for over $30,000!
By 1997, the craze was huge! Newsletters, pricing guides, and fan trivia bubbled up across America.
In May of 1997, Beanie collectors spent $500 million on Ebay auctions for Beanie Babies in one month!
In October 1997, Ty, Inc. announced they would release a commemorative purple Beanie bear called Princess in honor of the recently deceased Princess Diana. The proceeds would go to Princess Diana’s foundation and were supposed to be sold for $7. Some retailers gouged customers and charged anywhere from $25 to $350 for Princess. Many people were convinced this bear would be worth a fortune someday.
A McDonalds employee stole $6k in teenie-Beanies and went to prison and a store clerk in LA was robbed at gunpoint for 40 Beanie Bears.

By 1998, 65% of American homes had at least one Beanie Baby. Ty, Inc’s sales were more than $1.4 billion.
1998 – Forbes left Warner off of the Wealthiest Americans to Make Lots of Money list, so he bought a full-page ad in the WSJ to let everyone know that Ty, Inc. made more than $700 million the previous year – more than Hasbro and Mattel combined. In 1999, Forbes listed Warner with an estimated net worth of $4billion.
Yet, Lina, the creator of the website and the poems on the tags made $12.50 per hour! She asked for a raise, was denied, and she quit.

3 months before the Christmas shopping season in 1999, Warner announced that all Beanie Babies would be retired on December 31, 1999. It was another marketing stunt to drive up interest and demand. On Christmas Eve, Warner created a poll asking fans to make the decision on whether Beanie Babies would live or die and, in the ultimate money-grabbing move, made people pay money to vote! People aren’t going to pay to vote no.
The crazy had clearly passed, which was terrible news for people who had invested heavily in Beanie Babies.
By 2002, Warner was worth $6 billion. In 2009, Ty, Inc. attempted to recapture the magic by releasing Beanie Boos – fluffier Beanie Babies with bigger eyes. Nobody wanted to buy them like they did the original Beanies.

In 2014, Warner pled guilty to tax evasion and hiding over $20 million from the government due to having a hidden foreign bank account.
Ty, Inc. still exists. Ty Inc HQ doesn’t have a sign out front. Ty.com recently announced its line of 30^th anniversary commemorative Beanies that look like the originals. You can’t buy them on the website but they will be available at select retailers.

I enjoyed this blog post from Gabe the Bass Player this week:

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/taking-a-shot-on-you

Taking Shot On You

May 16, 2024

“If you’ve had any success there’s probably been a few people who took a shot on you early on…and probably along the way.

And now that you’ve had that success, what would it look like for you to take a shot on someone else?“

I also liked this blog post from Seth’s Blog this week:

The unwarranted smile

The unwarranted smile

“When we do something nice for someone, a ‘thank you’ and a smile is nice to receive. And, in many parts of human culture, it’s a bit expected.

But when something goes wrong, if we drop a plate or miss a turn or make someone late, it’s particularly delightful and memorable if we are greeted warmly instead of stomped on.

The moments when it’s the most difficult to be kind are the moments where it matters the most.”

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – May 16, 2024

May 16, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Relationships Daily – 5 Reasons We Talk “At” Each Other And How to Listen

It’s easy to assume you know what your partner is going to say. Instead, stay curious.
You’re thinking about what you’re going to say and can barely wait for them to stop taking. Instead, stay in the moment.
You’re responding to their “tone” rather than listening to their words. Instead, ask for another approach.
You’re distracted by something else. Instead, give one another a heads up that you need their attention.
You can misread your partner’s motive or intent. Instead, ask questions and try to assume good intention.

NerdWallet’s Smart Money Podcast – Save on Home Insurance Amid Rising Costs and Coverage Hurdles

7.4% of homeowners in the U.S. are uninsured (millions of people).
The average annual premium for home insurance across the U.S. has increased 6% year-over-year – much more than that in some areas. Ours doubled within two years.
Between 1980 and 1989, the U.S. saw 33 disasters that caused 1 billion dollars or more of damages. In 2023, there were 28 disasters that caused more than 1 billion dollars or more of damage in one year alone.
Inflation – cost of labor and materials – higher rebuilding costs=higher premiums

There are some companies that won’t insure homeowners in certain areas, such as Florida, Louisiana, and California.
As the cost of homeowners insurance continues to rise, more people will go uninsured. Homeowners who make less than $50k per year are twice as likely to be uninsured as those who make more than that. 22% of Native American homeowners, 14% of Latino homeowners, and 11% of Black homeowners go without home insurance. 35% of people who own manufactured homes are uninsured.
Homeowners are more likely to be uninsured if they live in rural areas, if they live in Houston/Miami metro areas, or if they live in New Mexico/Mississippi/Louisiana.

Shop around for homeowners’ insurance annually! Reach out to a local independent insurance agent.
Make sure that you have enough insurance. Inflation has caused the cost of materials to increase in recent years, so many people are underinsured. Read your insurance policy carefully to make sure you understand the coverage and limitations.
Look into what steps you can take to mitigate the risks you’re likely to face in your area – flood vents, fire-resistant siding, alarm system, etc.
Worst case scenario: consider relocating. Many people are finding they have no choice but to pack up and move to a place where they can afford to insure their homes.

Life Kit – Colorectal cancer rates are on the rise. Here’s what to know

Colorectal cancer is the first cause of cancer death in men and the second in women.
Most colorectal cancer starts out as a polyp and is highly curable when localized to the bowel. Surgery is the main way it is treated, and it leads to a cure in about 50% of cases.
The recommendation is to start getting colorectal cancer screenings at age 45. If you have a sibling or parent who has a history of colorectal cancer, you should start screening at age 35.

A colonoscopy is the gold standard screening tool and is recommended every ten years for those who don’t have an increased risk of colorectal cancer.
Another commonly used tool is a stool test: fecal immunochemical test (FIT). It detects small amounts of blood in the stool and is done annually.
Cologuard is a stool DNA test which detects blood and DNA changes that come from a cancerous or pre-cancerous polyp in the stool.

During a colonoscopy, a doctor inserts a scope with a camera into the rectum to see the entire colon. They can cut out polyps or abnormal tissues and send off biopsy tissues for analysis. It is not uncommon to find and remove several polyps during the procedure.
Prep for a colonoscopy: 24 hours clear liquid diet + laxative beverage to clear you out before the procedure.
A colonoscopy is a procedure that can find and eliminate the polyp that is the cancer!
Symptoms to watch out for: blood in stool, change in bowel habits, weight loss for no known reason, feeling of bloating/fullness/fatigue
Risk factors: lack of regular physical activity, a diet low in fruits and vegetables, a diet low in fiber, a diet with too much fat or too much processed meats, being overweight or obese, alcohol and tobacco use

Life Kit – Create the birthday you want to celebrate

If we want to celebrate our birthdays with joy, we need to take charge of our day and make it what we want. It’s up to you to be proactive about your birthday and to take the reigns on how you want your day to go.
- For my birthday this year (May 10), I wanted a weekend away. My husband and I enjoyed a cave tour, mini golf, a picnic lunch, renting bikes and biking on a state trail, going out for supper, and relaxing in the evening.

There is no right or wrong way to celebrate your birthday. Think of your birthday as your own personal holiday, which requires some prep. If you want to, order tickets to a show, order a cake, etc. Communicate your vision to other people involved. Don’t wait for others to show up and make things happen for you.
Tell people it’s your birthday if you want to.
Buy yourself something you really want. Buy yourself a $1 scratch-off ticket.
If you hate your birthday, keep things simple. Take the day off if you can and choose something you want to do for yourself.
Small steps could mean buying a single slice of birthday cake, calling and catching up with a friend, journaling, etc.

Self Improvement Daily – Brutally Honest With Ourselves, Skillfully Honest With Others

The most impactful thing we can hear from ourselves is the direct, unbiased, unfiltered version of what’s going on. We often add fluff to mute the blow to protect us from anything that’s psychologically challenging. Don’t be so blunt that you become self-deprecating but give yourself grace as you accept the truth.

When dealing with others, there’s a lot more context that comes into play. The recipient must be open to hearing what you have to say if you want it to be effective. So navigating honesty more delicately allows the message to be less confrontational and more collaborative.

Be brutally honest with yourself and skillfully honest with others.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

April 2024 Reads

May 2, 2024 amybenoit

I read four books in April 2024. Here is a brief synopsis of the four books I read in April 2024, some of which I will post about in greater detail in the future.

“The Sun Does Shine” detailed Anthony Ray Hinton’s experience spending nearly thirty years on death row in Alabama for crimes he didn’t commit. This book was eye-opening, emotional, and intriguing! I, and others, enjoyed it so much that it was selected as my employer’s next book club book! I will post about this book in more detail in a future post, but here are a few things that stood out to me:

He watched 54 men walk past his door on their way to be executed, as the execution chamber was 30 feet from his cell.
Mr. Hinton is one of the longest-serving condemned prisoners facing execution in America to be proved innocent and released. For 14 years, he could not obtain the legal help he needed to prove his innocence. Bryan Stevenson of the Equal Justice Initiative engaged three of the nation’s top firearms examiners, who all testified that the gun obtained from Mr. Hinton’s mother could not be matched to the crime evidence, and it took 14 years of contested litigation and a rare unanimous ruling from the U.S. Supreme Court before Mr. Hinton was released in 2015!
This book contained lessons of optimism, faith, and choice – all of which helped Anthony Ray Hinton survive his thirty years of confinement.
One of the most inspiring parts of the book is that Mr. Hinton’s best friend, Lester, never missed a visit in the thirty years Mr. Hinton was confined! That is true friendship many of us could never possibly imagine.

5 out of 5 stars!

“Warren Buffett Invests Like A Girl” was written by LouAnn Lofton, who has been with The Motley Fool since 2000. I read this as part of a book club I’m in, and honestly, this book could have been summed up in a blog post or list, which I am ironically doing right now. I have read better personal finance books. I didn’t particularly like that the author used the book to highlight stereotypical female qualities and emphasized how all investors should exhibit these qualities; at times, it came across as sexist.

Focus on the long term. Have patience. Don’t even think about investing money in the stock market that you need in less than five years. Trade less to make more.
Stick to your sphere of understanding.
Be levelheaded about your investments and the market at large and don’t get too excited or devastated.
Read and learn all you can, and actively seek out information. Research extensively.
Ignore peer pressure.
Learn from your mistakes.
Read up on the management of companies you are considering investing in. A business is only as strong as the people running it. Consider selling if management makes questionable decisions or undergoes significant changes.
Diversification – consider investing in an index funds and pick 15-20 individual stocks. *I don’t currently do this.*
Just because someone is an acknowledged investment guru or master doesn’t mean there isn’t a better way.

3 out of 5 stars

Hardcover Unreasonable Hospitality: The Remarkable Power of Giving People More Than They Expect Book

“Unreasonable Hospitality: The remarkable power of giving people more than they expect” was written by Will Guidara. Will is the former co-owner of Eleven Madison Park and the Nomad, founder of the Welcome Conference, an annual hospitality symposium, and founder of Thank You, a hospitality company that develops world-class destinations and helps leaders across industries transform their approach to customer service. This book doubled as an autobiography and a great management book about how to lead and serve. Overall, this book was very educational and inspiring! I will post more in detail about this book in its own blog post sometime, but here are some main takeaways.

The greatest restaurants in the world become great by challenging the way we think about food. When Will Guidara set out to make Eleven Madison Park the best restaurant in the world, he had a crazy idea about how to do it: What would happen if we approached hospitality with the same passion, attention to detail, and rigor that we bring to our food?

In 2017, Eleven Madison Park was named the best restaurant in the world in 2017 after seven years of hard work, creativity, a maniacal attention to detail, and a truly unreasonable dedication to hospitality. They won because of their collective focus on unreasonable hospitality; they made the decision to be as joyfully unreasonable in their creative pursuit of hospitality in the dining room as the best restaurants all over the world already were in the kitchen.

Create a culture of hospitality. How do you make the people who work for you and the people you serve feel seen and valued? How do you give them a sense of belonging? How do you make them feel part of something bigger than themselves? How do you make them feel welcome?
You’re not always going to agree with everything you hear, but you’ve got to start by listening. If your business involves making people happy, then you can’t be good at it if you don’t care what people think. However, don’t try to be all things to all people. Criticism is an invitation to have your perspective changed.
Hospitality is a team sport. If you let your ego get in the way of asking for what you need, you’re going to let the whole team down, and the hospitality you’re delivering is going to suffer.
Serve what you genuinely want to receive and there will be authenticity in the experience.

5 out of 5 stars!

“The Book of (More) Delights” was written by Ross Gay, who has received numerous writing awards and teaches at Indiana University. His general rule was to write them daily, write them quickly, and write them by hand and to notice, pay attention to, and think about what he loves. This book was just so-so for me; I had high expectations for this book and had also placed a library hold on the original “The Book of Delights.” I found this book sometimes boring and not relatable – so much so that I cancelled the library hold for the original book in the series. This book consisted of mostly stories and anecdotes about his life, not relatable delights. With that said, here are some of the delights mentioned that we share, most of which were found in a list in the appendix rather than the actual chapters:

the perfect spoon (or cup)
free stuff
admiring babies
braces on adults
being early
paper menus and cash
my birthday
how people talk to their dogs
armrests on chairs
deep pockets
pants that fit right

3 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – April 25, 2024

April 25, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Before Breakfast – Make your days fulfilling, not just filled

Many times our days are filled, but aren’t especially fulfilling. We run from one thing to the next without a lot of meaning. The pressure of things to be done can keep us from being fully present and engaged. We always have the power to make sure our days feel fulfilling and not just filled.

Plan for “you time.” Actively consider what would be fulfilling. What will have an impact on you and others? What will you remember? What will matter a month or a year from now?
Consider your priorities for your career, relationships, and self. Consider what is most important for you to do each week. Be intentional about determining what really matters.
Be present for the experiences you schedule. Take a couple of deep breaths and remind yourself why you are there. This isn’t just one more thing on the calendar; there’s a reason for it.
Create a life worth living.

Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin – 5 Mental Strength Exercises to Do Today to Grow Mentally Stronger

Put a name to whatever it is that you are feeling right now. Name it to tame it. Labeling an emotion helps your body and brain make more sense of what is going on.
Ask if that feeling is a friend or an enemy. If it’s a friend, embrace it and let yourself feel that feeling. If it’s an enemy, change the way you think and/or change your behavior.
Identify three things that you are grateful for. Gratitude is a superpower.
Write yourself a kind letter. Most of us are too hard on ourselves, which doesn’t drive us to do better. The key to doing better in life involves self-compassion. Write yourself a letter that cheers you on or reminds you that you’re strong and that you can do this. Whenever you need a boost in life, read that letter.
Plan something fun to do this week. It gives you something to look forward to and boosts your mood. You get a second boost when you actually do that fun thing and a third boost when you create a positive memory.

Optimal Finance Daily – 10 Ways to Take Control of Your Finances

Understand your cash flow.
Set goals.
Cut down unnecessary expenses. Big dreams ask for big sacrifices.
Start investing.
Increase your income. Earning more could be the main ticket to your success. In order to improve your finances, you need to either earn more or spend less.

Calculate your net worth. List all of your assets (savings, real estate, investment accounts, etc.) and list all of your liabilities (line of credit balance, mortgage balance, credit card balances, etc.). Subtract the total liabilities from your total assets to get your proper net worth. You should use your net worth to track your progress from year to year.
Find the best resources. Be well informed and accumulate knowledge.
Use a budgeting tool.
Follow a debt plan. The more time you wait to pay off your debt, the more interest you will be paying.
Save for your retirement. The sooner you invest for your retirement days, the better life you will get in your golden years.

Life Kit – How to plan your dream vacation

Vacations can vary depending on your travel style and budget – a long road trip, a stay at a cottage in the woods, a multi-city tour on another continent, etc. It is typically something you save for and plan months in advance.

The planning starts with thinking about what you want to get out of the trip. Do you want to decompress, relax, and rest? Do you need excitement and adventure? Do you want somewhere that feels comfortable to you as a solo traveler? Set the mission of your trip.
Set a budget. How much money do you want to spend or how much can you afford to spend? Plan ahead and figure out how much money you need to save each month.

How much vacation time do you have? If you look at the calendar and look at where the holiday weekends fall, you can turn your limited number of vacation days into an extended trip. However, that is also the most expensive time to travel.

Is the season important to you? Do you want to go during peak season of that destination? Do you want hot weather and a beach? Do you want to experience winter somewhere?
Think about your constraints: budget, time, time of year, etc.
Travel responsibly. Research the places you’re interested in and make sure they want tourists at the time you’re looking to visit. When you’re booking, consider putting your money toward the local economy rather than national or international chains. Learn about whatever destination you choose and be open to learning about the culture there. Be a respectful visitor.

Think about who you want to travel with. Find someone who has the same travel goals – the pace, activities, and how much money you can spend. Be honest with each other about finances. Some people will want to spend more money on certain things on the trip than others.

https://www.twowanderingsoles.com/blog/11-questions-to-ask-a-friend-before-traveling-together

Find the destination. Use the internet or travel magazines to conduct research. Consider keeping a list of destinations you most want to visit.
Do your best to think outside of the current travel trends. You don’t need to go somewhere just because everyone else goes there or wants to go there. Don’t overschedule yourself or overbook yourself. Find one thing on each day of your trip and build a flexible itinerary around that. Think about what’s most important to you to do on your trip.
Something on your trip is bound to go wrong. Once you’re there, sit back and surrender. Roll with the punches.

The Jordan Harbinger Show – Emotional Support Animals

Emotional support animals are everywhere – planes, restaurants, grocery stores, etc.
Service animals do things – guide the blind, alert the deaf, retrieve items for people with mobility issues, help people with disabilities, etc. They require intensive training and certification by the state to behave amongst the public.
Emotional support animals just are. They have no training. Often, they are ordinary pets of people exploiting the rules.

ADA – a service dog can legally accompany their handlers almost everywhere. It is illegal to ask people what their disability is or to see the dog’s certification. Service animals don’t have the same protection. The law doesn’t provide for bringing emotional support animals into restaurants.
Many people get their emotional support animal “certified” by filling out a form online or getting a note from a doctor. The Fair Housing Act does not require training or certification; a doctor’s note is all that is needed! You can register as many emotional support animals as you want as long as your therapist believes that all of your pets are there for your well-being.
The ADA doesn’t acknowledge emotional support animals. The Fair Housing Act provides the right for an emotional support animal to live with its owner even if the housing doesn’t allow pets.

Top complaints from airline passengers and employees are about untrained dogs – growling, barking, defecating, biting, etc.
If you can’t control the dog you have, you can’t go around with the dog you have.

“If you actually suffer from anxiety, what is going to happen when your dog bites a stranger on a plane and you’re forced to make an emergency landing? The ironic thing is that, most of these people give the animal that’s supposed to be curbing their anxiety, anxiety medication before the flight. My emotional support animal needs an emotional support prescription.”

The evidence to support the notion that emotional support animals do anything is surprisingly weak.
There are treatments for anxiety that work really well, such as facing your fears gradually. In the end, it is the individual who overcomes their fear and gains a feeling of empowerment. Some psychologists have found that the support animal becomes a crutch; people don’t want to face their fears alone and feel emotionally crippled without their pet. If someone cannot be apart from their pet, there might be a bigger issue.
Some studies show that petting an animal can have a calming effect, as measured by cortisol levels, but blankets and stuffed animals have the same effect.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UT_oknjFVs

What can be done? There are new rules that restrict free air travel to service animals only. Delta requires a note from a veterinarian confirming the animal is trained and can be around people. We can bring about change in a social realm. When you show up for a lunch date and your friend brings an emotional support animal, say something. It should be treated the same as someone unhandicapped who parks in a handicapped spot.
Any laws regarding emotional support animals need to be enforced! Online websites that provide emotional support animal letters need to be taken down.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – April 18, 2024

April 18, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

The 5 AM Miracle – 12 Productivity Tips You Need to Know

Checklists are everything. When you can optimize every task with detailed checklists, you’ve won.
Respond to every e-mail within 24 hours if you possibly can.
Make sure your technology is not an obstacle to your success. Properly working, fast technology is a gamechanger.
Arguing is almost always a complete waste of time. Arguing with people on social media is not worth it. It wastes your time and life.

Pack a produce bag for work so that you will eat the healthiest things you can.
Introduce one-minute workouts each hour.
Work alone or work anonymously whenever possible. This helps limit distractions.
Work in a boring office. This will help you execute tasks.
Work with a timer to keep you focused and help you maintain a sense of urgency.

Drink water between your coffee or other caffeinated beverages. This will help you have the best energy and focus you need for yourself.
Dress for the job you want, even if you work from home. If you present yourself to yourself as you would like to, you’re maintaining standards for yourself and others.
Read something for personal or professional growth for a half hour each day. Use a physical book. The level of focus and engagement with a physical book is significantly higher than a digital resource or audio resource that would allow you to be distracted and go do something else. Physical books change your level of engagement.

The Lazy Genius Podcast – 7 Routines That Work for Me

• Your routines should support what matters to you. Routines that work for others might not work for you or might not be needed for you. These routines work for the podcaster. These are not my routines.

Weekly meal planning routine – meal plan on Sundays for the upcoming week. Write the meals on a whiteboard and shop for groceries or place a grocery delivery order.
Morning weekday routine – get up, get kids ready, unload dishwasher, pack lunches, etc.
Saturday morning routine – stay in bed, read, go for a walk, or do whatever you want to do in the morning.
One Line A Day journal and Connections/Joy journal – to write down and keep memories
Weekday lunch break – delicious and colorful lunch
Afternoon weekday routine – support kids through snacks, homework, driving carpools, play, etc.
Monthly routine of workdays – connect with someone monthly and work together

I am still working on creating my ideal morning and evening routines, but here are insights into some of my routines:

Daily – always. No matter what:

Read 30+ minutes.
Play cognition/brain games in Lumosity and Elevate apps.
Listen to a podcast/read a podcast transcript.

Nightly:

Dishes before bed
Log food I ate and symptoms that day.
Write in my One Line A Day journal.
Read Seth’s Blog, Gabe the Bass Player blog, and daily devotional.

Lunches when working from home – eat lunch and get movement in.

Lunches when working in the office – eat lunch and read.

Sundays – meal plan and prep lunches/suppers

15th and last day of each month – financial check-in – review and log all transactions, note account balances, and check retirement account balances and performance.

Last day of each month – reflect on the month – accomplishments, highlights, challenges, and lessons learned. Think about what I want to focus on in the month ahead.

Life Kit – Negotiation tactics for everyday life

Benchmarking – researching good information (objective data) and determining an appropriate price point (ex: salary or purchases) – Ask, People resources, Paper resources
- Ex: delayed flight compensation– ask at the counter, ask people within your networks, research online
Win/win – what do we both want in this situation and how do we benefit from that?
Present a menu of options with three different options – ex: messy house – options: change cleaning schedule, change division of tasks, or hire housecleaner.

Think about your backup plan. If you are unable to negotiate with this person, what is your alternative? Have a really good alternative so that you are able to think with a clear head and are less likely to make a decision you will regret later on. You want to signal to them subtly that you have a backup plan.
- When you have a strong backup plan, it influences your negotiation performance. If you don’t have a strong backup plan, it impacts the way you engage in a negotiation and leaves you feeling in a corner.

Parties involved in negotiations – power broker, decision maker, and messenger.
- Knowing who these people are in negotiations is important and will impact how you direct your energy in a negotiation.
Set a collaborative tone. HALT: Any time you are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired is probably a bad time to engage in negotiations. Be mindful of the timing and context of the situation.
Know when it’s time to step away from a negotiation. If it is a long-standing relationship that you value and want to maintain, make sure that how you negotiate and how frequently you negotiate isn’t wearing out or fatiguing that relationship.

Chasing Life – Do These Quick Weight Loss Hacks Work?

IKA experts – “I know all” experts – there is often a correlation between how little knowledge someone has on a topic and how much confidence they have around that topic.
There are many people making questionable promises when it comes to weight loss.
Weight loss product ads are everywhere. Marketers do a great job at targeting the most vulnerable populations: those who have been hurt by the healthcare system, those with autoimmune conditions or nonspecific symptoms, those who have trouble losing weight, and those who have terrible insecurities.

Our general attitude is “might help, won’t hurt, why not.” Tummy teas – pretending to fix one problem (weight) but creating more (dehydration, laxative effect)
Don’t challenge people who are seeing benefit or wish to do a specific task. Instead, educate them on potential risks based on what science says. Challenge the individuals spreading misinformation and the companies selling miracle cures. There is always a risk and you need to understand if that risk is acceptable to you for the potential benefit.
Seek something sustainable and long-term.

Calories in, calories out is very accurate. If you overeat calories and you don’t burn enough calories, you will gain weight.
Intermittent fasting – eat less – narrow time window
Keto – high fat meals that are dense and hard to overeat
Limiting types of foods you can eat – restricting calories
Whichever one of these restrictive diets you can stay on for the rest of your life, because they don’t feel restrictive to you since they match your lifestyle and taste -that’s ultimately what’s going to help you lose weight and keep the weight off.

We need to have a long-term relationship with a doctor to provide continuity of care and sustain weight loss.
Patients should be engaged in their own health to look something up before their visits to a doctor, but you need to pair your resources with information from a doctor. Some people get sucked into products and claims that are harmful.
If something sounds too good to be true, it likely is. There are no miracle shortcuts when it comes to weight loss.
Be aware of buzz words and fuzzy claims on products.
Anything not regulated by the FDA does not have to adhere to their strict standards of safety or effectiveness.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – April 11, 2024

April 11, 2024April 11, 2024 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Finance Daily – 10 Money Questions Every Couple Must Answer

Note that these questions are for couples in serious long-term relationships. You and your partner may not agree on everything. It’s more important to work through conflicts and come to an understanding.

What is your policy on loaning money to relatives? Are you supporting/do you plan to support any family members?
How much money have you saved?
How much debt do you have?
Are you comfortable investing or do you prefer to keep your money in the bank?
Are you a saver or spender?
How do you feel about merging finances once we’re married? This question has a lot to do with the question about how much your partner has saved. If you’re the only saver, you may not want to merge finances.
Do you have a budget…and can I see it?
Will you support me if I choose not to work?
What type of bill payer are you? Minimum payments/full bill upfront? Automatic bill pay/send via mail? Do you pay all bills on time?
What is your dream, and how do you plan on paying for it?

I thought this podcast was very interesting and I wish I had known about these questions sooner. For full transparency, I did not/have not asked all of these questions, but I think it’s a great idea!

The Liz Moody Podcast – 10 Learnings From My Week At The Life-Changing Hoffman Process Personal Growth Retreat

When you are saying how you feel, use “I” instead of “you.” This helps the emotion and experience feel more personal.
If you are struggling to change, start with any action. Action is required for change. You can act yourself into a new way of thinking, but you can’t think yourself into a new way of action.

We are all human and we are all going through challenges, so stop judging other people. By judging others, you are paving those pathways in your brain that are primed for judgment, and you are priming yourself to judge yourself. When you notice you’re telling yourself a story about someone else in your head, talk to them and find out more about them.
Clarity is kind. Don’t beat around the bush.

In order to heal, we need to turn out instead of in. Involve other people instead of keeping to yourself. The power of community is vital to healing. You are not a burden. Reach out to people. Relationship bonds heal relationship wounds.
Fun is a key part of healing. Access connection, joy, and love. Healing doesn’t always need to be hard and not fun. You can enjoy the process of becoming the person that you want to be. You will get better results if the healing process is enjoyable, too.

Everything we see in others is typically also in us – “You spot it, you’ve got it.” In other people, we notice the things that we are most sensitive about or don’t like about ourselves as much. The traits we find most triggering in other people are usually things we are dealing with internally and things we are reacting to negatively within ourselves. When we notice positive attributes in other people, often those are positive traits we notice and value about ourselves.
Don’t forgive and forget. That sets you up for future hurt. Forgive and remember because holding on to it only hurts you. Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies. The only person made prisoner by our resentment is ourselves.

When you impress people into liking you, it makes you feel inherently unlovable. It can make you feel that without those things, you wouldn’t be lovable or likable to people. If people only like you because of your status/your job, you may feel unlovable without your job. When we give people an arbitrary sense of status (ex: celebrities), we’re actually depriving them of their ability to be human and to feel lovable for who they authentically are.
- When we don’t share what we do for work, the ways you identify your relationships with people are built on who you really are on the inside. You’re forced to present a raw version of yourself, and people will love you for you. You have worth outside of your job and the work that you do.

Be, do, have. How do you want to feel? How do you want to live? Let that influence what you do in the world and the choices you make. Those choices, as a result of the being and doing, will create the things that you have. You’ll have a different relationship with those things because you won’t need those things to be happy.
- Be, do, have instead of do, have, be.

How do we help people who are different from one another experience a sense of belonging and support in the workplace?
- Acknowledge that we all have some privilege. Ex: access to hot water, drinking water, etc. Being aware of our privilege helps us to see where we have access and ease, and access and ease give us power. What about me or my experience might someone look at and consider to be typical?
- We need to be willing to recognize the differences in people and want to get to know them across those differences. Let me learn about your experiences so that I can develop empathy for you and gain perspective I wouldn’t otherwise have. Hear their stories, gain empathy, and broaden your view. Ex: interviews – how often do we dismiss candidates because we didn’t think they were a culture fit or they didn’t give us the exact example we wanted? What if we used their stories to evaluate where they have an opportunity to thrive and grow? Hear their circumstances and experiences.

- Extend your privilege to others respectfully and impactfully in the ways you are able to.
- Allyship can involve considering food allergies, accepting correction when you mispronounce someone’s name, left-handed scissors, etc. What do you have the ability to do to support others?

I really liked this blog post from Seth’s Blog this week:

Analyzing the last move

Analyzing the last move

“When the deal falls apart, or the team loses the game, or a partnership hits the rocks, it’s easy to focus our energy on what just happened.

“What if they had called a different play?”

This overlooks the real issue. It’s the first move, or the fifth, that led to this problem, not what happened at the last moment.

Creating the conditions for success is a very different project than finding a heroic move that saves the day.“

This post from Gabe the Bass Player also resonated with me this week. Often, we envy the successes, accomplishments, or belongings of others. Yet, we aren’t willing to do what it takes to obtain them.”

What Will You Give Up

April 9, 2024

“One of the hardest parts of getting to where we want to go is giving up the things that make us feel good in the short term…

It’s hard to give up scrolling

It’s hard to give up Netflix

It’s hard to give up scrolling Netflix

It’s hard to give up the peace and quiet that comes from not doing much…or doing the same old things.

It’s hard to give up the notion that people will understand why you’re doing what you’re doing

It’s hard to give up your norms

It’s hard to give up not rocking the boat

It’s hard to give up the security of your hard won reputation

The best way to get to the new place is by starting something new…and giving up something else is a great way to start.”

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

The Mountain is You

April 8, 2024April 8, 2024 amybenoit

In “The Mountain is You,” Brianna Wiest compares life to a mountain and encourages readers to embrace challenges, embark on a journey of self-reflection, and practice perseverance in order to reach new heights. The mountain represents the challenges and obstacles we encounter throughout our lives and symbolizes the path we must overcome in order to grow.

The mountain is often less a challenge in front of us as it is a pattern within us, an unstable foundation that might not seem evident on the surface but is nonetheless shifting almost every part of our lives. Your mountain is the block between you and where you want to live. Facing it is also the only path to your freedom and becoming.

The mountain that stands in front of you is the calling of your life, your purpose for being here, and your path finally made clear. Self-sabotage is almost always at work. Self-sabotage comes from irrational fear.

To truly heal, you are going to have to change the way you think. You are going to have to become very conscious of negative and false beliefs and start shifting to a mindset that actually serves you.

Patterns indicative of self-sabotage:

resistance
perfectionism
limited emotional processing skills
justification
disorganization
attachment to what you don’t really want
judging others
pride
downplaying
being “busy”
spending time with the wrong people
worrying about irrational fears and least likely circumstances

How to tell if you’re in a self-sabotage cycle:

You are more aware of what you don’t want than what you do.
You spend more time trying to impress people who don’t like you than you spend with people who love you for who you are.
You’re putting your head in the sand.
You care more about convincing other people you’re okay than actually being okay.
Your main priority in life is to be liked, even if that comes at the expense of being happy.
You’re more afraid of your feelings than anything else.
You’re blindly chasing goals without asking yourself why you want these things.
You’re treating your coping mechanisms as the problem.
You value your doubt more than your potential.
You are trying to care about everything.
You are waiting for someone else to open a door, offer approval, or hand you the life you have been waiting for.
You don’t realize how far you’ve come.

The greatest act of self-love is to no longer accept a life you are unhappy with.
Brianna Wiest

When you start to feel resistance, ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? What is this feeling trying to tell me about the action I am trying to take? Is there something I need to learn here? What do I need to do to honor my needs right now?

We are not held back in life because we are incapable of making change. We are held back because we don’t feel like making change, and so we don’t.

Self-sabotage is what happens when we refuse to consciously meet our innermost needs, often because we do not believe we are capable of handling them.
Brianna Wiest

Intuitive vs. intrusive thoughts

“Arriving” often makes us hungrier for more. When we want something really badly, it is often because we have unrealistic expectations associated with it. We imagine it will change our lives in some formidable way, and often, that’s not the case.

What you do every single day accounts for the quality of your life and the degree of your success.

What would my most powerful self do today? Be aware of your weaknesses and be willing to be disliked. No matter what you do, others are going to judge you.

Assume that everyone, and everything, has something to teach you. Become comfortable with vulnerability.

Start developing your own principles. Your life purpose is the point at which your skills, interests, and the market intersect.

Figuring out what you want to do with your life: What, and who, is worth suffering for? If social media didn’t exist, what would you do with your life? What comes most naturally to you? What would your ideal daily routine look like? What do you want your legacy to be?

Get a plan. Plans fix problems. Humble yourself. Ask for help because you aren’t supposed to know everything. Learn how to feel better by processing complex emotions.

How to truly enjoy your life: Arrive into the present. Lean into the little joys when you find them. Learn something new as often as you can. See challenging times as opportunities for transformation.

Listen to your behaviors. Filter out the noise. Manage your discomfort by making small changes. Become the best version of yourself. Find your inner peace.

One day the mountain that was in front of you will be so far behind you, it will barely be visible in the distance. Who you become in learning to climb it will stay with you forever.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

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