Tag: #boundaries

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – January 30, 2025

amybenoit

It’s been over a month since I’ve posted a Thoughtful Thursday post. I am discerning whether to continue with weekly Thoughtful Thursday posts or whether to post those less often so that I can post more book posts. With that said, here are some of the most interesting things I’ve learned this month!

The Mel Robbins Podcast – The Top Expert Advice of the Year

  • People will consistently give you what you allow them to give you. You are in control of two things in this world: what you give and what you accept. 
  • Boundaries are not walls to keep things out. Boundaries are bridges to let the right things in. 
  • Boundaries are meant to protect your peace and your energy. When you’re setting boundaries, ask yourself what you need in your life right now, what boundary you need to set that will lead you to what you need, and why you must stick to the boundary. What is it costing you not to stick to this boundary? Your future? Your peace? You tell people how to treat you by what you continuously accept. 
  • You spend more time trying to protect the battery on your smartphone than you do protecting your own or recharging your own battery. 
  • LET THEM is a boundary. 

I really enjoyed this post from Gabe the Bass Player:

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/how-can-i-read-your-mind-better

How Can I Read Your Mind Better?

January 8, 2025

i.e. What are your unspoken expectations?

This is at the heart of so much heartbreak and frustration in this business.

Our personal expectations are ‘just the way it is’…and it’s easy to think they’re shared by others…or at least they should have read my mind by now.

It’s worth asking the people around you what they’re really hoping for. You’re sure to learn something new. Something they’ve been thinking all along but secretly expecting you to just read their mind.

You’re good but you’re not that good. You’re going to have to ask.

I am enrolled in UCC Contracts/Business Law and Probate Law this semester for my paralegal certificate program. I am not an attorney, and this is not legal advice. These are some fascinating facts I have learned so far.

For most contracts, the general rule is that while it’s not illegal to enter into a contract with a minor, the contract is voidable at the discretion of the minor. Once reaching the age of majority, they can also disaffirm contracts. The cases I read that stood out to me involved minors voiding arbitration clauses in contracts and voiding waivers of liability by voiding contracts. I believe this can be a risk of liability for employers who hire minors. For example:

Pak Foods Houston, LLC v. Garcia, 433 S.W.3d 171 (Tex. App.—Houston [14th Dist.] 2014) involved a personal injury claim. A minor filed a personal injury claim against a fast-food restaurant. The restaurant filed a motion to compel arbitration based on an arbitration agreement that the minor signed as part of an employment agreement. The court found that the contract was voidable, and the minor disaffirmed the agreement by terminating her employment and filing suit.

I’ve been intrigued by the many rules of Probate Law this semester and how different state statutes vary. For those with wills, a spouse cannot be disinherited in the will, but disinheriting children is allowed. Each state has a plan for the assets of those who die without wills. As an example, for those who die without wills in Minnesota:

524.2-102 SHARE OF THE SPOUSE.

The intestate share of a decedent’s surviving spouse is:

(1) the entire intestate estate if:

(i) no descendant of the decedent survives the decedent; or

(ii) all of the decedent’s surviving descendants are also descendants of the surviving spouse and there is no other descendant of the surviving spouse who survives the decedent;

(2) the first $225,000, plus one-half of any balance of the intestate estate, if all of the decedent’s surviving descendants are also descendants of the surviving spouse and the surviving spouse has one or more surviving descendants who are not descendants of the decedent, or if one or more of the decedent’s surviving descendants are not descendants of the surviving spouse.

In other words, if you are married without kids and die without a will, your surviving spouse gets 100% of your assets. If you are married with kids and neither you nor your spouse have kids with other people, your surviving spouse gets 100% of your assets. Yet, if you are married with kids and you or your spouse have living kids that are not biologically shared, your living spouse gets the first $225,000 plus 1/2 of any balance of the estate, and the rest gets split up between all of the kids (descendants).

My husband and I are doing the Bible in a Year series with Fr. Mike Schmitz, which has been so informative and interesting so far. One thing that has resonated with me so far is that many of us are pharaohs to ourselves. We make ourselves so busy that we don’t have time to think about God. We make ourselves so busy that we have made ourselves into slaves by saying “I have to do this, I have to do that” and all of the other things that we’ve set up. We’ve set up a pace of life for ourselves that is unmanageable, and we don’t have time for worship. God’s people were never meant to be slaves – not a slave to Pharaoh and not a slave to the pharaoh that lives inside of us. We are meant to be free so that we can truly belong to Him.

And if you aren’t religious, this can still also apply to several other areas of your life. What are the things that you are making yourself a slave to? Are you spending too much time working, scrolling on your phone, etc.? What are the things you say you don’t have time for? What are you doing with your time instead? Are you making time for the things you say matter the most to you?

Perhaps the most fascinating thing I learned this month was about the existence of the syndrome known as R-CPD (inability to burp).

What are the symptoms of R-CPD?

Additional symptoms, outside of the lifelong inability to burp or belch, can include:

  • Abdominal and/or chest bloating and pain
  • Excessive flatulence
  • Nausea
  • Gurgling noises from the neck and chest
  • Difficulty vomiting or fear of vomiting (emetophobia)

As shown, the chief complaints are GI-related. Yet, GI doctors (and many other doctors) are not aware of this condition, leading many to run numerous tests instead of asking the right questions. In an ideal world, when patients complain of bloating, gas, nausea, and gurgling, GI providers and other providers would ask “Can you burp?” If not, they should be treated for R-CPD. There are not many providers who are aware of and treat this syndrome.

Here is more information about it, such as the symptoms, treatment, etc. There is even a Reddit community for this condition: https://www.reddit.com/r/noburp

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

Real Self-Care

amybenoit

“Real Self-Care” was a much needed, straightforward book written by Pooja Lakshmin, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist, New York Times contributor, and the founder and CEO of Gemma, the physician-led women’s mental health community.

For many women, self-care ends up being another burden, another thing on the to-do list to feel bad about because they aren’t doing it right. Women are pulled in two opposing directions: asked to be selfless and accommodating to the needs of others and, simultaneously, to excel professionally and personally.

Real self-care vs faux self-care:

Applying a methodology of faux self-care is reactive, whereas practicing real self-care is proactive.

Faux self-care is a noun, typically describing an activity or a product. Real self-care is a verb, describing an invisible, internal decision-making process.

3 most common reasons why we tend to turn to faux self-care:

  • escape – using self-care to escape our regular lives seldom results in lasting change. Our true selves are located in our daily choices.
    • Whatever the setting, you get to “retreat” from the real world and hermit away in a beautiful environment, but no matter how much self-care you do, you’re still you.
  • achievement – based on shame. Another activity to excel at/conquer. Perfectionism, workaholism, and capitalism.
    • “My self-worth strongly depends on my ability to be seen as a success.”
  • optimization – trying to maximize every possible aspect of life and trying to be the most efficient, productive, and controlled.
    • Optimization will just breed more optimization – equating self-worth with productivity

What is real self-care?

  • Real self-care requires boundaries and moving past guilt. You must be assertive in prioritizing your own needs and desires.
  • Real self-care means treating yourself with compassion.
  • Real self-care brings you closer to yourself and getting to know your core values, beliefs, and desires.
  • Real self-care is an assertion of power. It’s about saying what works for you and what doesn’t.

Real self-care is all about making space for you – your thoughts, feelings, and priorities in life. Setting boundaries is how we take our time, energy, and attention back. Ex: you don’t have to answer your phone. Setting boundaries is about recognizing you have a choice and communicating it. Learn to say no.

The longer you stick with a relationship, job, or situation that isn’t working for you, the higher the emotional cost to set a boundary.

Listen to what your body is telling you: dread, nausea, palpitations, etc. Learn to say no.

In all situations, you can say yes, you can say no, or you can negotiate. Your boundary is in your pause.

Tips for practicing compassion:

  • Replace self-judgment with self-kindness.
  • Practice receiving support/love/attention. Say yes to offers of help.
  • Connect with your body and rest when your body is tired.
  • Know your values. What sort of person do you want to be? What really matters to you? Does your action align with your values? Know your HOW and WHY. Recognize that in each season of your life, you will have different priorities.
  • Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life you want. You must separate your own needs and preferences from the opinions of other people who have a vested interest in your life.
  • Every boundary you set is a reminder that you have agency over how you spend your time and your energy. Be clear, be concise, and don’t apologize.
  • Compassion is something you must give to yourself; you can’t expect it to always come from outside.

These common examples are NOT practicing compassion:

  • “I can save time by doing it myself.” Women tend to bear the heavy mental load because they believe others are less efficient or don’t do things quite right. This leads to resentment and rage that builds up all because it’s “easier and faster.”
  • Martyr mode – extending yourself toward others and expecting praise/support/attention and losing your cool when that expectation is not met.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – May 23, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Fit, Healthy & Happy Podcast – 7 Steps to Increase & Boost Your Metabolism

Your metabolism determines how many calories you burn. Here are some tips to boost your metabolism.

  • Allow yourself to go through different phases of the journey.
  • Focus on building high quality muscle.
  • Stay active. Incorporate physical activity into your daily routine.
  • Increase protein intake. Protein requires more energy to digest compared to carbs or fat. Include protein-rich foods such as lean meats, fish, eggs, dairy, legumes, and nuts in your diet.
  • Stay hydrated. Drinking enough water is essential for a healthy metabolism.
  • Get enough sleep. Lack of sleep can disrupt your metabolism and lead to weight gain.
  • Manage stress. Chronic stress can lead to hormonal imbalances that can slow down your metabolism.
  • Remember that individual metabolism can vary based on factors such as age, genetics, and body composition. Focus on overall health and well-being rather than solely on boosting metabolism for weight loss.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty – 10 Steps on How To Set Boundaries Without Offending People
  • Often our definition of someone being a good human being is someone who doesn’t have boundaries. Our definition of what it means to be a good human needs to change at the core.
  • Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what we want or don’t want from others.
  • We think boundaries are protecting us from other people, but boundaries are protecting ourselves from ourselves. We can’t control anyone else’s actions, but we can control our own.
  • Set up “If” scenarios to set boundaries. If this… then this. Clearly communicate your boundaries.
  • You can justify your choice to yourself, but you don’t need to justify your choice to others.
  • How can you be honest, kind, and empathetic to their reaction? It’s okay to recognize that someone else has their own values about your situation. Be open to the idea that not everyone will agree with you.
  • Don’t have an expectation of how you want someone else to respond. Don’t project how you process things onto other people. If someone doesn’t act in the way you would or the way you think they should, remember that they are not you, and you are not them.
  • Become certain about your boundaries.
  • Ask yourself these questions when setting a boundary:
    • What is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why is time important for you? Is it an idea you are trying to practice? A mindset you are trying to build?
    • What happens when you don’t follow that boundary? How would your future self feel about it if you forego the boundary?
    • How do you feel when you follow through on the boundary?
  • Plan a buffer. Someone will catch you off guard and ask for something at a time you don’t expect. It’s okay to ask for time or some space.
  • Observe others do uncomfortable things. Everything you admire in someone else is a skill that can be trained and is a life that you can live.
  • Start exposing yourself to simple actions of discomfort: calling to cancel or reschedule an appointment, declining an invite to a friend’s birthday, etc. Allow the exposures to scale. People will be offended and that’s okay.
  • Reset people’s expectations of you. Set boundaries.
The Big Flop – Beanie Babies Go Bust with Ian Karmel and Brian Moller
  • The Beanie Babies craze was in the 1990s. Each had a name, birthdate, and little story attached to them.
    • I used to collect Beanie Babies and even had a special holder made for them. It resembled a coat rack but had little pieces of elastic to hang them on.
  • 1993 – Beanie Babies debuted at the World Toy Fair in New York City and didn’t really take off
  • Scarcity is what set Beanie Babies apart from other stuffed animals.
    • Beanie Babies were “retired” instead of “discontinued” – made it seem like a collector’s item and gave Beanie Babies a feeling of scarcity
    • Not sold in popular retailers like Walmart or Toys R US – favored small independent stores and gift shops
      • The stores that sold them could only offer some of the Beanie Babies, so nobody could get the collection in one place. When people spotted them, they weren’t sure if they would see those Beanie Babies again, so they bought them.
  •  1995 – website was created where you could buy the Beanie Babies and get extra intel, such as an online catalog with more information about the Beanie Babies, upcoming release dates, etc. Some sources cite this as the first business-to-consumer sales site on the internet! Demand is so high around the holidays that Ty, Inc. imported 3 737s full of Beanie Babies from Korea.
  • 1995 – $28million in sales that year
  • Some were sold on Ebay for over $30,000!
  • By 1997, the craze was huge! Newsletters, pricing guides, and fan trivia bubbled up across America.
  • In May of 1997, Beanie collectors spent $500 million on Ebay auctions for Beanie Babies in one month!
  • In October 1997, Ty, Inc. announced they would release a commemorative purple Beanie bear called Princess in honor of the recently deceased Princess Diana. The proceeds would go to Princess Diana’s foundation and were supposed to be sold for $7. Some retailers gouged customers and charged anywhere from $25 to $350 for Princess. Many people were convinced this bear would be worth a fortune someday.
  • A McDonalds employee stole $6k in teenie-Beanies and went to prison and a store clerk in LA was robbed at gunpoint for 40 Beanie Bears.
  • By 1998, 65% of American homes had at least one Beanie Baby. Ty, Inc’s sales were more than $1.4 billion.
  • 1998 – Forbes left Warner off of the Wealthiest Americans to Make Lots of Money list, so he bought a full-page ad in the WSJ to let everyone know that Ty, Inc. made more than $700 million the previous year – more than Hasbro and Mattel combined. In 1999, Forbes listed Warner with an estimated net worth of $4billion.
  • Yet, Lina, the creator of the website and the poems on the tags made $12.50 per hour! She asked for a raise, was denied, and she quit.
  • 3 months before the Christmas shopping season in 1999, Warner announced that all Beanie Babies would be retired on December 31, 1999. It was another marketing stunt to drive up interest and demand. On Christmas Eve, Warner created a poll asking fans to make the decision on whether Beanie Babies would live or die and, in the ultimate money-grabbing move, made people pay money to vote! People aren’t going to pay to vote no.
  • The crazy had clearly passed, which was terrible news for people who had invested heavily in Beanie Babies.
  • By 2002, Warner was worth $6 billion. In 2009, Ty, Inc. attempted to recapture the magic by releasing Beanie Boos – fluffier Beanie Babies with bigger eyes. Nobody wanted to buy them like they did the original Beanies.
  • In 2014, Warner pled guilty to tax evasion and hiding over $20 million from the government due to having a hidden foreign bank account.
  • Ty, Inc. still exists. Ty Inc HQ doesn’t have a sign out front. Ty.com recently announced its line of 30th anniversary commemorative Beanies that look like the originals. You can’t buy them on the website but they will be available at select retailers.

I enjoyed this blog post from Gabe the Bass Player this week:

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/taking-a-shot-on-you

Taking Shot On You

May 16, 2024

“If you’ve had any success there’s probably been a few people who took a shot on you early on…and probably along the way.

And now that you’ve had that success, what would it look like for you to take a shot on someone else?“

I also liked this blog post from Seth’s Blog this week:

The unwarranted smile

The unwarranted smile

“When we do something nice for someone, a ‘thank you’ and a smile is nice to receive. And, in many parts of human culture, it’s a bit expected.

But when something goes wrong, if we drop a plate or miss a turn or make someone late, it’s particularly delightful and memorable if we are greeted warmly instead of stomped on.

The moments when it’s the most difficult to be kind are the moments where it matters the most.”

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – November 2, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

SHE with Jordan Lee Dooley – A Candid Conversation About Foster Care and Adoption
  • Adoption is often perceived as a last resort only for those struggling with infertility. Adoption can be Plan A for you!
  • Adoption is a calling. It is not an obligatory ministry for the infertile.
  • Open adoption was discussed. In open adoption, you can keep in touch with the biological parent(s). Some view this as “not trying to erase the relationship with the biological parents.”

Misconceptions about adoption:

  • People saying “Congratulations” on adoption.
    • It is well-intended, but also shattering having someone else’s child not being held by her. It is better to acknowledge the emotions by saying “This is heavy. How are you doing?” “How’s mom doing? I can only imagine how hard this is for her.”
  • “I could never do that because I’d get too attached, I can never do that because of xyz, etc.”
    • We prioritize our comfort. Instead of saying “I could never…”, ask what you can do to help. Put yourself into the role to understand their story.
  • “He/she/they are so lucky to have you.”
    • Adoption is not “rescuing.” We don’t adopt because we are rescuers; we adopt because we are rescued. We are the blessed ones. Stating “they are so lucky to have you” discredits the reality that there is a trauma, separation, and grief that happens. What would the child think if he/she heard that statement?
  • The people outside the realm of foster care and adoption don’t understand that there are so many emotions. We are often told to focus on the positive, but there are so many emotions.
  • You don’t need to share your adopted child’s story. Their story deserves to be protected until they are ready to tell it. When you are sharing your experience, ensure you are only sharing your experience. Protect and guard the things that are not your experience and are not yours to share. Don’t share at your child’s expense.

Further reading recommended in this podcast:

  • “The boy who was raised as a dog”
  • “The body keeps the score”
  • “The A to Z of trauma”
  • “The Primal Wound”
How to Be Awesome at Your Job – Mastering the Four Conversations that Transform all Your Interactions
  • Storytelling – your stories are not the truth.
  • Collaboration – seek to understand and ask questions. Absorb other perspectives.
  • Creative – trust your intuition and co-create with others.
  • Commitment – action conversation – agree to do something together.
  • Become aware that your stories aren’t the truth. Become aware of how you’re presenting yourself and how you’re presenting your stories. We all have patterns around judging, being perfectionists, and being critical of how others do things. Instead of a reaction or pattern of defensiveness, we can change that. If we believe we have the answer and we are right, we are telling the story with a closed fist. Emotions and desires are often the root of our story. Standards – investigate the source of your standards and consider whether you want to keep them. Ex: men being taught not to show their emotions

In the past week, I have faced some challenging circumstances in various areas of my life, and I was feeling stressed and sad about the uncertainties. This carried over into my work life and I had formed a thought/perception about something and later used other observations to strengthen that narrative I had. After a conversation, I recognized that my thoughts are not facts and that my emotions from my other circumstances influenced my thoughts. In reality, once we form a perception about something, we often try to find anything we can to fit that narrative, no matter how unreasonable it may be.

  • When we work with different people, everyone has different stories/perspectives. The fundamental pattern is that when we enter into conversation, we enter in defensively because we want our answer to be right. The real art of the collaborative conversation is learning to not give up your position, but to keep an open mind and invite others to do the same.
  • Ask questions to better understand other perspectives rather than asking questions with the intent to prove them wrong.  The best place to start is to state what you know to be factual. Figure out if you agree on the state of things and then ask each other questions about thoughts.
  • Judgment shuts things down – saying things like “that will never work.”
  • Useful phrase: “Help me understand your position.”
  • Unhelpful phrases/actions: Not asking questions or saying “yes, but I think…” Work on being a learner instead of a knower.
  • We like to tell our stories and we like to take action. We leap from storytelling to action and bypass collaboration and creative conversations. The bypass can cause us to make bad decisions. A good commitment conversation means both sides understand what’s being asked, what’s being promised, and what success looks like.
  • Be curious about your pattern and how to change that pattern.
Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin – 7 Boundary Mistakes That Damage Relationships
  • Setting a boundary can be the kindest thing you can do to yourself and others.
  • A boundary is a rule that you set about how you’re going to allow other people to treat you. You’re really setting the rule for yourself. There are different kinds of boundaries: physical, emotional, financial, etc. Boundaries teach other people how you expect to be treated.

Mistakes:

  • not setting boundaries in the first place
    • Sometimes it doesn’t occur to people to set boundaries because they don’t want to be mean or selfish. They don’t set boundaries because they don’t want to damage a relationship. If you don’t set a boundary, the other person has to guess what you’re okay with, and when they guess wrong, you might feel uncomfortable or grow resentful of their behavior. A boundary will help you feel better in the long term.
  • apologizing for your boundaries
    • Don’t be sorry for taking care of yourself. Setting a boundary is a nice thing to do and you are modeling how to take care of yourself. Instead of apologizing, say thank you instead. Instead of “I’m sorry I have to leave right now” say “Thank you for inviting me. I appreciate it.” Unapologetically insist that you’re worth it.
  • automatically announcing your boundaries
    • It’s true in some respects, but you don’t always have to communicate them with your words. Instead, you can show people your boundaries. Ex: don’t need to answer the phone every time it rings if it is inconvenient for you, don’t need to stay at a party if people are drinking too much
  • using boundaries to try to control someone else
    • Boundaries are meant to help you manage your life, not to control somebody else’s. If you are going to set a boundary, make sure it’s about protecting your inner peace, not about forcing someone else to change.
  • being too rigid with your boundaries
    • It’s important to have boundaries, but having too many boundaries or sticking to them at all costs isn’t healthy either. Healthy relationships need compassion, empathy, and compromise. Your boundaries can be flexible sometimes; there may be exceptions to the rule. Don’t be so rigid about them that they become detrimental to you.
  • setting boundaries when you feel really emotional
    • When your emotions are high (if you’re angry or anxious), don’t set a boundary. Wait until you’re calm. Boundaries are rarely an emergency; you can usually wait to set them until you’re calm.
  • setting a boundary that you can’t uphold
    • Don’t set a boundary you aren’t emotionally ready to uphold. Start with a boundary you’re ready to enforce. Most boundaries can be taken one small step at a time if you aren’t emotionally ready to enforce a bigger one.
Our Daily Bread Podcast – Smartphone Compassion

“Was the driver late with your food? You can use your phone to give him a one-star rating. Did the shopkeeper treat you curtly? You can write her a critical review. While smartphones enable us to shop, keep up with friends, and more, they have also given us the power to publicly rate each other. And this can be a problem.

Rating each other this way is problematic because judgments can be made without context. The driver gets rated poorly for a late delivery due to circumstances out of his control. The shopkeeper gets a negative review when she’d been up all night with a sick child. How can we avoid rating others unfairly like this?

By imitating God’s character. In Exodus 34:6–7, God describes Himself as “compassionate and gracious”—meaning He wouldn’t judge our failures without context; “slow to anger”—meaning He wouldn’t post a negative review after one bad experience; “abounding in love”—meaning His correctives are for our good, not to get revenge; and “forgiving [of] sin”—meaning our lives don’t have to be defined by our one-star days. Since God’s character is to be the basis of ours (Matthew 6:33), we can avoid the harshness smartphones enable by using ours as He would.

In the online age, we can all rate others harshly. May the Holy Spirit empower us to bring a little compassion today.”

This podcast was a great reminder to treat others with compassion and to not be so quick to judgment.

While reading a book comprising of legal-based short stories in the past week, I learned about viatical settlements, which are an interesting concept.

Viatical settlements involve selling a life insurance policy to investors so that they get the death benefit when you die, and you get a check right now. These are generally done when someone has a terminal illness and a life expectancy of two years or less. This is certainly an interesting concept and I am unsure what I think of it.

This week I also read “101 Things I Learned in Law School” written by Vibeke Norgaard Martin with Matthew Frederick. This book was very interesting and I will post about it in more depth in a separate post at some point. Here are some of the most interesting facts:

  • A marijuana-related business may not declare bankruptcy. Cannabis cultivation and sale are permitted by some states but are prohibited by federal law, while bankruptcy proceedings are governed by federal law. The federal bankruptcy courts will not allow a cannabis-related business to use its process.
  • Unpublished court decisions generally cannot be used as a basis for argument in the same jurisdiction. In arguing before a California court, one may cite an unpublished case from Texas, but not an unpublished case from California.
  • A supreme court might be the lowest court. In New York, the highest court is the Court of Appeals, while the lowest court is the Supreme Court.
  • A career in law is continual preparation for a day that may never come. Over 90% of cases are resolved prior to trial.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday- May 25, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Self Improvement Daily- When You Are Your Own Friend

Let’s say you had a miscommunication, let someone down, and got defensive about it, or you got into a big fight with a family member. In your own head, you may get really critical and get upset that you didn’t have more emotional control. You tell yourself you’re an awful person.

Now look at the example from a different angle. Instead of you being the person involved in the fight that made a few mistakes, you’re a good friend of that person. After they tell you about the event and the circumstances around it, what would you say to them? You likely wouldn’t tell them how awful of a person they are. You would likely be supportive and encouraging. You’d highlight their best qualities and understand that this was an isolated incident.

This isn’t about a lack of taking responsibility for our actions. The point is that we are so quick to find the goodness and humanity in others and the flaws within ourselves. So the next time you catch yourself criticizing or going through self-deprecating thoughts, ask yourself this question – “What would I tell myself if I were my own friend?”

Self Care IRL- The 8 small steps you need to start your self-improvement journey
  1. Do not change everything at once. Start with 1-3 small goals you can easily achieve. Ex: one healthy meal each day, walk 20 minutes every day, etc. You can increase and expand on your habits after a while. Progress is more important than perfection. Perfection does not exist.
  2. Make a plan of action and actually stick to it. Staying focused and motivated requires discipline. Discipline requires planning. Take action every day, even if it’s just a small step.
  3. Habit stacking. Ex: journal while drinking coffee. Listen to a podcast or watch tv while on the treadmill. Read while riding public transportation to work.
  4. Celebrate your wins—both big and small. Every step forward is success. Share your wins with friends to add accountability.
  5. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. You are bound to have setbacks along the way. Learn from your mistakes and keep going. Be patient with yourself. Progress takes time. Forgiving yourself is the ultimate flex in life. Practicing self-compassion is vital if you want to improve yourself.
  6. Find your support system. It is crucial if you have goals in sight. Whether you need hands-on support or emotional support, knowing that someone is there to lift you up will be incredibly helpful for encouragement and accountability. The podcast host mentioned getting together with a group of people weekly or monthly on a Wednesday to discuss “Wednesday wins”–“wins” each person has had in the past week or month. Lift each other up and encourage each other.
  7. Set goals for yourself. Document how soon you want to achieve it to determine a plan and how hard you need to work. Don’t feel overly committed to that number. Plans can change. Set weekly or monthly goals to track your progress just to see how far you have come.
  8. Be patient and keep working toward your goals, even when things get tough. You will have setbacks.
TED Talks Daily- What makes a “good college” — and why it matters – Cecilia M. Orphan
  • We say we want colleges to be more equitable and more accessible. We tend to obsess over a tiny group of colleges most of us could never get into. It’s not because we aren’t smart enough. It’s because there isn’t enough space for all of us. They intentionally cap the number of students that they accept.
  • Instead of calling them prestigious universities, some people refer to them as “highly rejective colleges” – Harvard, Stanford, Yale, Princeton, MIT, etc. These are all major research institutions.
  • Regional public universities (RPUs) are the exact opposite of highly rejective colleges.  They pride themselves in accepting almost everyone who applies — students are more likely to be first-generation college students, students of color, low-income students, veterans, and adults balancing work and family while going to school. RPU students often don’t have the test scores required to get into a highly rejective college. It’s not that they aren’t capable; it’s because they weren’t given the same advantages as other students. RPUs change more lives than prestigious universities by allowing more students access to education.
  • People sometimes criticize RPUs and refer to them as “the 13th grade,” “not real,” or “almost anyone can get in.”
  • The colleges that already have the largest endowments tend to receive the most charitable donations. Imagine if these donations were spread across the many RPUs in the country.
  • In the U.S. and throughout the world, far more public funding goes to highly rejective colleges than to regional public universities, causing RPUs to become more expensive, which hurts low-income students and causes student loan debt to skyrocket.
  • If we really want more low-income students to go to college and equity in higher education, we need to fund regional public universities. Instead of giving to your highly rejective alma mater, consider giving to universities that really need it.
  • Last year, billionaire philanthropist Mckenzie Scott gave $1.5 billion to 73 different colleges and universities that serve low-income students and students of color.
  • There is no better way to make a difference in higher education than to give to the colleges that change the lives of their students and communities. This isn’t all about money. We all have the power to change the way we think about and talk about regional public universities or stop people when they frame them in negative ways.
Life Kit- Making friends anywhere you move
  • Be active and intentional about making connections. Alert your network. Post on your socials and ask for introductions. Tell your coworkers, especially if you have a remote job. Communicate what kind of connection you’re looking for – someone to show you around, another couple with school-age kids, etc. We tend to think that it’s going to be so awkward to reach out to people who we aren’t in touch with anymore. You just have to own it.
  • Reconnect with old friends. You might end up better friends with them than before. Acknowledge the gap in time and that you haven’t been the best at keeping in touch. Propose specific plans for catching up. Follow up after meeting in person.
  • Incorporate more routine into your day. Ex: coffee shops. With routine, you are seeing the same faces and it becomes less intimidating to talk to them. You can incorporate any activity, community, or place you love. No matter where you live, you can develop that sense of home. Find a place for yourself that isn’t work and isn’t home: book club, soccer club, etc.
  • Find online groups, event listings, and meetups. Now is your chance to engage in an activity you’ve been thinking about. Ex: book clubs. You don’t have to know anyone there, but you can connect with others about the same book you’ve read. You meet regularly. Commit to showing up more than once. It changes the way you engage with people who are there. Stop trying to form a relationship with the collective and focus on forming relationships with the singular. It can be less intimidating to focus on individual members first.
  • When getting to know people, focus on the connection, not the relationship. Being honest about yourself is key to adult relationships. Get comfortable with the things that make you different and the interests that you have. If you are introverted, only say “yes” to the activities that you know will bring you joy. Focus your energy on one-on-one interactions. Making new friends takes effort, especially when you barely know anyone around you.
  • Take-aways: be open and intentional about making new friends. Tell your network that you’re moving or looking to meet people. Reconnect with old friends and acknowledge the passing of time. Make clear plans to meet. Build your own routines and find places you feel at ease. Go to group gatherings. For recurring groups, commit to going at least three times. Friendships start with one-on-one relationships. Remember that all of this takes time.

When I first moved to my city, I didn’t have any friends in the area aside from former coworkers. I am grateful to have met several girls in an online Facebook group for girls making friends. Through this group, I have joined a book club, hiking groups, and made many quality friends who share similar interests.

Optimal Finance Daily- Understanding the Seven Habits of Wealth by Rob Berger
  1. Hard work– achieving financial security is often the result of consistent diligence.
  2. Modest living– modest living can produce great wealth on a modest income.
  3. Patience– produces thoughtful, long-term decisions that can produce wealth while minimizing risk.  Patiently waiting for the right time to buy a stock or company
  4. Perseverance– working through challenges. Perseverance keeps us focused on our goals and enables us to confront all challenges.
  5. Balance– healthy balance of stocks, bonds, or other investments
  6. Self-awareness– brings into focus the motivations behind the daily decisions we make. Allows us to understand what motivates us to spend money, what investments are best for us given our tolerance for risk, and what will produce contentment in our lives.
  7. Learning– enables us to improve our careers, investments, and spending, as well as other areas of our lives

“What we are and what we have is a result of what we repeatedly do.” Wealth then, is not the result of an act, but the result of our habits.

How to Be a Better Human- How to set boundaries and find peace (w/ Nedra Glover Tawwab)
  • We want kids to be assertive, but we don’t teach them how to be assertive with us.
  • Pay attention to the things you complain most about. This will tell you where you need to set boundaries.
  • Many people right now are having boundary issues around being overwhelmed and overcommitting themselves. You can say no to things! People found pleasure during the pandemic by not having to attend social obligations. You don’t need to do those things if you don’t want to.  Place value on the relationships that are important.
  • Trying to do everything on your own/not asking for help- there are times when we don’t have the skillset, time, or mental capacity to do it all. We need to seek help. It can be hard to be vulnerable and ask for help.
  • Codependency- thinking “if I did this, this person would suffer this consequence because of my lack of support for their issue.” Stop thinking like this!
  • Set boundaries, find peace!

I posted an extensive blog post about this book recently. Check it out here:

Set Boundaries, Find Peace
Main Accounts: The Story of MySpace- Welcome to MySpace

Popularity:

  • MySpace used to be the most popular website in America. It launched in August 2003. The creators, Tom Anderson and Chris Dewolfe, took inspiration from sites like Friendster and Asian Avenue. There were only 100,000 users in October 2003, but, the following year, after picking up dissatisfied Friendster users, the site exploded to 5 million users! MySpace peaked in 2008 with over 100 million users. At the height of its popularity, 250,000 people were signing up for new accounts every day. Most of the users were young – in their teens and twenties. It was at the center of their social lives.
  • In 2005, MySpace was seeing 16 million visitors per month and was the biggest social network in the world. It was sold to News Corporation, and Intermix negotiated the deal. This was done without the knowledge of the founders of MySpace. Chris and Tom were each paid $30 million. They left the company in 2009, and News Corporation brought in a new CEO and its own people.
  • When MySpace launched, social media was an unknown quantity. People had no idea how to make money off of social networks or even if they could make money off of it. The consequences of social media had yet to be seen.

Origins:

  • Tom Anderson had founded the company with Chris Dewolfe. Before MySpace, Tom had worked for Chris as a copywriter and product tester at another startup. Tom was a musician, went to film school, and dabbled in the hacker community as a teenager. MySpace does not have the typical Silicon Valley origin story.
  •  While at Euniverse, Tom and Chris had at their disposal the company’s database of over 30 million e-mail addresses. The e-mails of everyone who signed up with a new MySpace account could be added to the database. MySpace was a subsidiary of its parent company, Intermix.

What set MySpace apart:

  • MySpace offered opportunities for people to express their creativity and meet people in ways that felt thrilling and scary at the time. People used MySpace in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina to keep in touch with friends and family after they evacuated Louisiana. Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan used it to connect with people back home. It was a place where millions of people could connect to one another. MySpace was one of many projects at the company EUniverse (an early ecommerce company). EUniverse was one of the few survivors of the dot com crash. EUniverse was later renamed Intermix.
  • On Friendster, users related to each other as a chain of connections. On MySpace, it didn’t really matter if your friends were strangers or actually friends. You added who you wanted and showed users who mattered to you by selecting users for your Top 8.
  • Top 8 created competition and encouraged users to curate their friends and spotlight people or bands that reflected on their personalities and personal tastes. From the glittery, sleezy design to the carefree way people communicated on it, MySpace felt like a party on the internet. People talked more casually on MySpace.
  • MySpace allowed you to tweak the HTML on your profile page so that you could change the color of the background, have a song playing while people looked at your page, etc. People put a lot of thought into it. Customizable pages (scrolling text, text that would blink, colorful texts, embedded music) allowed for self-expression.
  • MySpace was giving users free software. Previously, if you wanted to set up a website for yourself, you’d have to buy software. The way users were paying MySpace was with all of their data and information. The legacy of MySpace is the pioneering of this business model – of monetizing user data.
  • Another unique feature is that creator Tom Anderson was automatically everyone’s friend.

Why MySpace did not last:

  • MySpace was sold as “the perfect media company that generates free content through its users. It generates free traffic by its users inviting their friends, and all you have to do is sell the ads.”
  • MySpace was on track to be the biggest mass platform for advertising in the world. Facebook is the biggest single mass platform for advertising in the world. The lack of engineering expertise and talent and the lack of focus on abilities to outcompete on the actual quality of the product is what doomed MySpace to fail against Facebook. You have to have great engineering and great talent, and that is what made Facebook win. MySpace lost relevance because it couldn’t scale up to be mainstream like Facebook.
  • The social network felt chaotic and open in a free-for-all sense much like the city where it was created: Los Angeles. It sometimes felt like a cool nightclub. However massive it was, it was still youth-oriented. With various scenes and clicks, it felt very niche. MySpace was notable and big, but it wasn’t TikTok size.
  • People who were big on the platform could not scale out and achieve mass fame. The internet culture was not mass culture in the 2000s. They were sort of niche. All of this was happening before there was viral content and before algorithms filtered what users would see. There wasn’t a “for you” page. You had to find it yourself.

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/festival-walking

I loved Gabe The Bass Player’s post on May 16 (all credit to Gabe the Bass Player):

Festival Walking

May 16, 2023

“Summer. The height of the music festival season. The height of…

“Is this band any good? I’m going to decide right now as I walk past the stage for thirty seconds…”

It doesn’t matter if you’re a well established act or a new act. No one gets a pass. You get the time it takes for someone walking past the stage to be compelling enough for them to stay. You gotta be good.

The truth is…you’ve probably got thirty seconds but their question is answered within five. And that interaction is what they’ll carry with them forever and tell their friends about when your name comes up.”

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

Set Boundaries, Find Peace

amybenoit

“Set Boundaries, Find Peace” was written by Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and sought-after relationship expert and owner of Kaleidoscope Counseling. Her philosophy is that a lack of boundaries and assertiveness underlies most relationship issues, and her gift is helping people create healthy relationships with themselves and others. This book was filled with insights about boundaries and actual examples of statements and boundaries that you can use. I believe everyone will get something out of this book!

You can follow her on Instagram at nedratawwab. She posts very helpful insights about boundaries and example statements of boundaries.

What are boundaries?

  • Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.
  • Boundaries are a safeguard in overextending yourself, a self-care practice, a way to create healthy relationships, and a way to communicate your needs to others.
  • Boundaries are not unspoken rules. Unspoken boundaries are invisible. Avoid thinking “they should’ve known better” or “common sense would say…” Common sense is based on our own life experiences and isn’t the same for everyone. It is essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships.

Don’t betray yourself to please others.

Nedra Tawwab

The healthiest way to communicate boundaries is to be assertive. Communicate your feelings openly and without attacking others.

The best boundaries are easy to understand: “I want…I need…I expect…” Examples: “I want you to stop asking me when I’m going to have kids.” “I need you to call me before you stop by.” “I expect you to return my ___ in good condition.”

There are two steps to boundaries: communication and action. You must uphold what you communicate through your behavior. If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either!

Common responses to boundaries: pushback, limit testing, ignoring, rationalizing and questioning, defensiveness, ghosting, silent treatment, and acceptance

  • Burnout is caused by not knowing when to say no, not knowing how to say no, prioritizing others over yourself, people-pleasing, and unrealistic expectations.
  • To avoid burnout, start asking yourself “Why is this important to me?” and only doing what is most important.

Ask yourself:

  1. Whose standard am I trying to meet?
  2. Do I have the time to commit to this?
  3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this?
  4. How can I honor my boundaries in this situation?

We learned about boundaries from family. We cried, fussed, and acted out when we wanted something, and we learned whether we could get our needs met based on how our parents or caretakers responded.

For kids, food preference is an attempt at setting limits. Do you:

  • (1) offer other options
  • (2) insist the child eats what they said they didn’t like
  • (3) punish the child by not allowing them to eat anything?
  • The results of option 1: Your child feels heard and respected.
  • The results of option 2: Your child recognizes their boundaries are not important to you and that you think you know what is best for them.
  • The results of option 3: Your child feels punished for having preferences.

Same goes with hugging someone. When a child sets a boundary by not wanting to hug someone, do you:

  • (1) allow the child to be self-selective about whom they feel comfortable showing affection to
  • (2) push the child to hug the person
  • (3) shame or threaten the child by saying that it’s not nice to tell people no or tell them you will punish them if they don’t comply
  • The results of option 1: Your child feels heard and respected.
  • The results of option 2: Your child recognizes their boundaries are not important to you and that you think you know what is best for them.
  • The results of option 3: Your child feels punished for having preferences.

Types of boundaries you can set:

Physical boundaries: verbalize your need for physical distance to others. Be clear with others about your discomfort with certain types of physical touch, such as hugging. Examples: “I’m not comfortable with public displays of affection. I’d prefer if we saved this until we got home.” “Please move back a little.”

Sexual boundaries: don’t make excuses for poor conduct. Report sexual misconduct that you experience or witness. Examples: “Your comments about my appearance make me feel uncomfortable.” “Your comment isn’t funny; it’s sexually inappropriate.”

Intellectual boundaries: Be respectful of people who are different than you. If you’re a parent, refrain from discussing adult matters with your kids. Examples: “You can disagree without being mean or rude.” “I won’t talk to you if you keep raising your voice.”

Emotional boundaries: Share only with people you trust who can hold space for your emotions. Ask people if they want you to just listen OR if they’re looking for feedback. Examples: “I hear that you have a lot of things going on and I don’t feel equipped to help you. Have you considered talking to a therapist?” “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that topic.”

Material boundaries: Do not loan things to people who’ve demonstrated that they will not respect your possessions. Share your expectations for your possessions up front. Examples: “I can’t loan you any money.” “I will not let anyone borrow or drive my car.”

Time boundaries: Before you say yes to a request, make sure you want to do it and aren’t overcommitting. When you’re busy, ignore calls/texts/ e-mails until it’s convenient to respond. Examples: “I’m unable to work late today.” “I can’t help you this weekend.”

Self-boundaries: your finances, your time management, your self-care, the treatment you allow from others, your unkind thoughts of yourself, your reactions, and the people you allow in your life. Examples: “I will save ___% before buying something new.” “I plan my day and delegate what I can.” “I say no to things that I don’t like/things that rob me of valuable time.” “I address issues with others when they arise.” “I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly.” “I allow myself to cry.” “I did my best.”

When you engage in activities that you don’t enjoy or get distracted with other people’s stuff, you take time away from yourself.

**This book also covered boundaries specific to in-laws, holidays, friendships, relationships, social media, and work.

You can’t change people, but you can change:

  • how you deal with them
  • what you accept
  • how you react to them
  • how often you interact with them
  • how much space you allow them to take up
  • what you participate in
  • what role they play in your life
  • what people you have contact with
  • who you allow in your life
  • your perspective

It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

What to avoid when setting boundaries:

  • Never apologize. It gives the impression that your expectations are negotiable or that you don’t believe you’re allowed to ask for what you want.
  • Don’t waver. Don’t allow people to get away with violating your boundary.

I highly recommend this book! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!