Tag: #perfectionism

Book review posts, Uncategorized

August 2024 Reads

amybenoit

I read seven books in August 2024 – the most I have read in one month since starting school this year. Here is a brief synopsis of the books I read in August, some of which I will post about in greater detail in the future.

“The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control” was written by Katherine Morgan Schafler, a psychotherapist, write, and speaker and former therapist at Google. I got SO much out of this book and my notes covered the review pages for 2 books instead of 1! This book explored types of perfectionists, lessons learned, and strategies of coping with perfectionism. I will most more about this book in the future, but for now, here are a few lessons:

  • I am mostly a classic perfectionist (and partially a Parisian perfectionist). I value structure, consistency, predictability, an understanding of all the options so as to make an informed decision, high standards, objectivity, and clarity through organization. I don’t like disorder, I have difficulty adjusting to schedule changes, and I tend to experience spontaneity as stressful. Itinerary-centered existence can rob classic perfectionists of the opportunity to grow in a way that wasn’t planned or goal-oriented.
  • Right now, with all the things you have yet to achieve, you are as worthy of all the love, joy, dignity, freedom, and connection as you would be had you already achieved them. You are worthy of all these things because you exist.
  • There are many raw manifestations of perfectionism:
    • emotional (want to experience a perfect emotional state)
    • cognitive (want to understand perfectly)
    • behavioral (want to behave perfectly in my roles and perform perfectly in my tasks)
    • object (want external thing, such as desk, hair, etc. to exist in a perfect state)
    • process (want process to begin, continue, and end perfectly)

5 out of 5 stars

“If my body could speak: poems” by Blythe Baird included poems mostly about rape and eating disorders. Here are some lines that stood out to me:

  • “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.”
  • “If your body could speak, would she forgive you?”
  • “One day after years of starving and gaining and fighting, I stepped on a scale and suddenly that number didn’t say anything about me…and that night nothing on my plate said anything about me either. Later, I got ice cream from a truck and I didn’t have to make myself earn it.”
  • “I found a way to heal through the poetry. The stage is the only place I could tell my story where it wasn’t a liability I was putting onto anyone. This stage is where i learned to stop hoarding my suffering.”
  • “Do not say you didn’t try. Remember: you did the best you could in the situation you were in with the materials you had.”

4 out of 5 stars

“Lessons Learned and Cherished: The Teacher Who Changed My Life” was compiled by Deborah Roberts, an award-winning ABC News journalist. This book was touching, although the stories seemed to have a specific format/agenda – nearly every essay mentioned that teachers are underpaid/underappreciated at the end of each essay.

Here are four of the lessons learned and cherished:

  • Every teacher has the potential to make a student feel connected, valued, and worthy. The greatest gift you can give is your full presence.
  • A difficult teacher can inspire you to persevere and believe in yourself. – Deborah Roberts
  • Teachers mean the world for a child’s development. Kids are not guaranteed a wonderful home base. Kids can be struggling with emotional distress or even violence, and their teachers can be the safe haven.
  • When a teacher believes in a student before they believe in themselves, they blossom. – Keri Shahidi

4 out of 5 stars

“Picturing Joy: Moments of Connection” was compiled by photographer George Lange. George’s work has appeared in many popular publications, and he has shot many of the iconic images from TV shows and ads for TV shows. This book was not quite what I expected. George shared stories of how he captured those moments. There were some great photos and interesting stories. Here are some takeaways from this book:

  • Photos are the artifacts of the experience a photographer creates. Photos reflect what he feels more than what he sees.
  • The role of a photographer is only to be hip enough to get in the room but not have to be the center of it. His approach is to create a space for people to reveal a part of themselves to him, and his intention is to find a way to put love out in the world.
  • “My time with subjects is often incredibly brief. A small window into a life I would never get to share without my camera.”

4 out of 5 stars

“To Hell With the Hustle” was written by Jefferson Bethke, the New York Times bestselling author of Jesus>Religion and It’s Not What You Think and host of The Real Life podcast. This book was not what I expected and seemed very scatterbrained, but there were some good takeaways. Here are some that resonated with me most.

  • When our work becomes who we are and we derive our ultimate value and meaning from it, it runs the risk of becoming our god – the thing we worship, bow down to, and become slaves of.
  • It’s time to stop and consider the cost of all this hustle, speed, and disillusionment. To hell with it – meaning we’re done and it comes from Hell. Jesus was never in a hurry. He was actively resisting cultural pressures on many levels. Hustle isn’t him.
  • Scripture doesn’t talk much about goals. It is focused on our identity and who we are becoming. Are we becoming more like Jesus by the practices and formations we are doing?
  • Have you ever noticed how a lot of Jesus’ miracles were not a part of his plan? They happened on his way somewhere else. You have to go at a pace that can be interrupted. That can be responsive to the moment in front of you.
  • The goal is “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” NOT “Well accomplished, my busy and hustled servant.” Well done. Faithful. If we want to get there, we have to actively resist the myriad voices and influences that subtly hypnotize us into a busier, noisier, more hustled lifestyle. Say no, that’s not the way of Jesus. That’s not the speed of Jesus. That’s not the cadence of Jesus. To hell with the hustle. I’ll take him instead.

4 out of 5 stars

“The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness” was written by Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD. Robert Waldinger, MD is a professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Marc Schulz, PhD is the associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development and a practicing therapist.

The Harvard Study of Adult Devlopment has followed the lives of two generations of individuals from the same families for more than 80 years – asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy. I will post more about this book in the future, but for now, here are some lessons:

  • The good life is not a destination. It is the path itself and the people who are walking it with you.
  • Good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.
  • An investment in our social fitness isn’t only an investment in our lives as they are now. It is an investment that will affect everything about how we live in the future. Like a tree needs water, relationships are living things and need attention and maintenance.
  • Curiosity goes a long way in relationships. It opens up avenues of conversation and knowledge and helps others feel understood and appreciated.

5 out of 5 stars

“Calling A Wolf A Wolf” consisted of poems by Kaveh Akbar. To be honest, I didn’t really like this collection. The format of the poems bothered me, and the phrases were scattered with no punctuation. Here is an example:

There were many poems about alcoholism, but the language didn’t make sense to me. Here are a few lines I liked:

What Seems Like Joy – “My father believed in gardens – delighting at burying each thing in its potential for growth. Some years the soil was so hard the water seeped down slower than the green seeped up. Still he’d say if you’re not happy in your own yard you won’t be happy anywhere.”

Portrait of the alcoholic floating in space with severed umbilicus – “I always hoped that when I died I would know why. My brother will be so sad he will tell his daughter I was better than I was. He will leave out my cruel drunk nights the wet mattresses my driving alone into cornfields unsure whether I’d drive out.”

“Now I listen for the sighs of people who love me, each agitation I create a reminder that I am less than constant in my grace.”

2 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – June 6, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Sad to Savage – How to Create Habits and A Routine With An Inconsistent Schedule
  • Keep a consistent amount of time that you need instead of a consistent time you need to wake up.
  • Pick 1-3 things you want to do in a morning routine and figure out how long it takes to do those tasks. Usually 1 hour – then figure out what time you need to wake up each day
  • Write out your schedule each week.
  • Create at least two morning routines: weekdays vs. weekends. Days you are working vs. days you are off.
  • What would your ideal morning routine be for the days you are working? What would your ideal morning routine look like for the days you are off?
  • Choose a workout you like to do and one that you can do consistently. Build a habit of physical movement on the days that you have off. Build a physical health habit that is realistic and that you can keep consistent.
  • Time consistency helps build your habit – same time every day
  • If you feel like you don’t have time for things, time block. See how much time you are spending on your phone each day instead.
  • Prioritize waking up earlier and doing a morning routine, or work on your routine right away when you get home from work.
  • Grocery shop and meal plan and prep on one of your days off.
  • Nighttime routine- get meals ready for the next day.
  • Focus on having a short routine and long routine. Short routine for nights you work late, are exhausted, and don’t have much time – pick 1-3 things that are crucial for your success the next day (scheduling workout, washing your face, setting out clothes). Long routine for days you aren’t stressed and aren’t getting home late (prepping food for next day, tidying room, reading before bed, washing your face, setting out clothes, etc.)
Inside Out Money – Progress over Perfection
  • Perfectionism – striving for flawlessness, holding excessively high personal standards, and having overly negative reactions to perceived mistakes and setbacks – can lead to a lot of self-criticism and rumination
  • Root of perfectionism is deficit and lack – whole existence is to prove to other people that we are good enough, we have skills, we matter, and that we are high-functioning.
  • Perfectionism can be linked to imposter syndrome. If you’re trying to project a perfect person all the time to others, you might feel like an imposter.
  • Combat perfectionism
    •  Mindfulness – Be present in the moment and understand the emotions that are going on within you – passing thoughts and passing emotions.
    • Meditation
    • Vulnerability
    • Self-compassion
    • Radical acceptance – we can’t control everything. We need to do the best with what we have.
  • Focus on balance and progress over perfection with finances.
  • Have a growth mindset. See mistakes as learning opportunities. We can always strive to get together while also being kind and compassionate to ourselves and those around us.
  • Tips:
    • Just get started. Don’t put off working on your finances and tracking your net worth and expenses just because you are afraid to see the results.
    • Focus on the things that you need to improve around your finances and set realistic goals. Ex: improving credit score, paying off debt, increasing savings rate
    • Learn from your mistakes. Recognize ahead of time that you will make mistakes and you can get better at this.
    • Set consistent habits and automate things when you can.
    • Avoid perfection paralysis. There is never a perfect time or perfect situation to start doing better. Don’t wait for the right time.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty – 7 Habits to Be Present
  • Wake up twenty minutes before you have to. If your first thought when you wake up is, “I’m already behind” you are already living in a feeling that you need to catch up with time. Our language and our thoughts set how we feel. That thought will repeat itself for the rest of the day. If you start your day slower mentally and physically, you can maintain that momentum as it speeds up.
  • Connect with yourself. What is the one thing you need to do for yourself today?
  • Calendar – what is the one thing you need to do today to make it a great day?
  • Check in with someone else.  
  • One device at a time: tv, laptop, phone. Your brain processes background noise. Limit your focus to one device at a time. Having a rule is better than not having a boundary.
  • Take thirty seconds when you enter a new room, new space, or a new part of your day to engage your senses. What can you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste?
  • Obey the speed limit. One of the ways we feel the most out of touch is when we are driving. Is shaving off two minutes worth the risks of what you may experience?
  • Be present with your breath. Breathe in for 4 and out for 4 counts. Reconnect with your breath and your body.
  • Prioritize extended periods of silence – increases brain cells, helps you be more focused and productive, helps you relax and slow down
  • Experience nature – gives us a feeling of time abundance, sense of time is slower and more meaningful
Life Kit – Summer fun on a budget
  • Public parks and beaches
  • Field day with friends – three-legged race, water balloon toss
  • Park programming – events calendar
  • Penny date – explore things without an objective. Take a coin, pick a direction for heads and tails, and flip the coin and see what direction it takes you. Stop when you see something interesting.
  • Go to the farmer’s market.
  • Parades
  • Coloring book and colored pencils
  • Open mic nights/poetry slams
  • Museums  – some museums offer free admission on certain days
  • Recreate a family recipe.
  • Themed hangouts – pick a theme and invite people over
  • House/apartment swap with a friend
  • Go to an open house, even if you aren’t in the market
  • Go to the mall and try on silly outfits
  • Write your future self a letter

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – May 30, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Living Daily – 8 Signs You’re A Perfectionist
  • You have the all or nothing mindset. The outcome has to either be perfect or there will be no outcome at all. You are either a success or a failure.
  • You fear failure. You have a fear of putting yourself out there and going out of your comfort because you might not be seen as “perfect.”
  • You might have trust issues. This has to do with the fear of letting go of control. You have the idea that if something needs to be done perfectly, you need to do it yourself. Letting go of this need for control and learning to trust other people is crucial for overcoming perfectionism.
  • You “should” all over yourself. You spend a lot of time in the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” land.
  • You procrastinate without end to find the right time to work on your goals.
  • You would rather give up than not do something perfectly. Putting decent work out there is a must to drive you all the way to your dream destination.
  • You spot mistakes everywhere. You see mistakes where other people don’t and you make it your mission in life to uncover them in all situations.
  • You fear judgment. The truth is that people don’t really think about you as much as you think they do. You don’t need other people’s approval to live your life; you just need your own.
Sad to Savage – Making Health and Fitness A Lifestyle With Savannah Wright
  • Make a plan for the week. Know that some weeks will be busier with events and obligations and you might not be able to work out as much as you want to. That is fine. Overall consistency is key, but not every week will be perfect.
  • Know that your body will change. You will need to alter your workouts. Don’t compare your body to how it was years ago. Your body may be looking for a different kind of workout.
  • Mindful mile – run a mile without music – focus on mindfulness – your breath and your thoughts
  • Yet, at the same time, you show up every day for work and for others. Show up every day for yourself. Don’t rely on motivation. Rely on self-respect, commitment, and dedication.
  • Give a new fitness program 90 days before deciding if it’s for you long-term.
  • Don’t wait until you “have the time.” Find the time. Prioritize yourself and your health.
  • If you can stream shows for an hour or hours, you have time to work out. You can even walk on the treadmill or lift weights while you watch.
  • Determine your why. Is it longevity? Physique? An event? You want to feel better? You’re only doing it because someone told you to do it?
Life Kit – How to practice ‘deep reading’
  • Reading can be extremely difficult because things are competing for your attention. Our brains aren’t meant to deep read; it is supposed to be hard.
  • Reduce distractions.
  • Deep reading takes place when we become so immersed in deep thought and concentration and don’t give in to distractions.
  • We tend to skim instead of deep read. Skimming is one of the greatest disruptions of deep reading. It’s a defense mechanism.
  • Screens are fine if you are skimming. If you want to deep read, you have a better chance of minimizing distractions if you read on paper, where you can go at your own pace.
  • Start by forcing yourself to read at least 20 minutes per day in print – not on screens.
  • Deep reading takes practice, discipline, and finding time devoted to it each day.
  • Do not be concerned about how many books you are reading. People read at different speeds and different books require different paces. Let the book determine your pace and enjoy your own pace.
  •  There is more memory that consolidates than we have immediate perceptible access to. On the other hand, when we skim, we consolidate less. Taking notes adds to your ability to remember and reading the notes about what you read activates what you actually did remember and have stored.
  • Deep reading is a place of discovery of others, discovery of beauty, and discovery of appreciation for our ability to think outside the bounds of our everyday lives.  
Real Simple Tips – 5 Grocery Items to Avoid, According to Professional Chefs
  • Store-bought pesto – hard no for many. It is so easy to make at home with whatever greens you like and need to use up, and you can make it dairy-free if needed.
  • Jarred tomato sauce – full of sugars and preservatives. Instead, buy canned, whole, organic tomatoes, blend them up, and cook them down with your favorite aromatics in twenty minutes.
  • Premade salad dressings – make your own with olive oils, lemon juice, garlic, and herbs.
  • Boxed broth – save your veggie scraps (carrot peels, herb stems, garlic skins, etc.) and make broth when you have enough scraps. Use your veggie scraps with water, salt, and herbs and refrigerate or freeze batches.
  • Pre-grated parmesan – seek out parmesan and grate it fresh when you need it.

This list surprised me. I love cooking, although I am not a professional chef. Still, to save time, I buy jarred tomato sauce, premade salad dressings, and boxed broth!

The Personal Finance Podcast – Why Most Americans Are Poor (And How to Change That)
  • Credit card dependence – don’t use credit cards as an emergency expense vehicle. Have an emergency fund in place and take the time to build it up. Nearly half of Americans use credit cards to cover essential living expenses. Nearly half of Americans have reached their credit card limits at some point.
    • If you aren’t making enough money to make ends meet, reduce expenses or increase your income. When you fall into credit card debt, you are paying an extremely high interest rate (often over 20%). Compound interest can cost you thousands of dollars. If you struggle with credit card debt, get rid of your credit cards and force yourself to make it work. Your credit card debt is robbing you of your financial freedom.

Decreased financial preparedness – when you are trying to build up your emergency fund, it can seem like you will never get ahead due to emergencies. You are likely either spending too much money or not making enough money. Income is the propeller that allows you to build more wealth. Have an emergency fund to protect you from life – medical deductible, vet, car repairs, etc.

Focus on how to get extra cash on hand. Open a high-yield savings account and automate contributions. Put at least $5,000 in a high-yield savings account then start to work up to 6 months of your monthly expenses.

  • People do not prioritize money flow. Figure out how much money you have coming in and where that money is going to go. Keep a list of all of your income and expenses in a spreadsheet.
    • First, focus on housing, food, and transportation and get those expenses down. Car payments, groceries, and eating out are easy expenses to overspend on. Get them under control.
  • People worry about $10 problems instead of bigger problems: investment fees, mortgage interest, asset allocation, negotiating your salary, transportation costs, and student loan interest. Some of these will cost you six figures over time!
  • Over-reliance on buy now, pay later services for basic necessities – many people do it to avoid credit card interest. 46% of people use buy now, pay later for electronics, 56% use it for clothing, and 31% use it for furniture and appliances. Instead, save up for these items. If you don’t have the money, don’t buy it. Focus on building up your emergency fund. Buy now, pay later increases your debt volume, reduces your net worth, and can result in late fees and financial penalties
  • Lifestyle inflation and mismanagement of raises or bonuses – when you get married, it is easy to increase your lifestyle and want to do more. However, it’s still important to have a gap between your income and expenses.
    • Every time you get a raise, put half of it toward investments and allow yourself to use half of it to increase your lifestyle.
  • Lack of financial education and planning – can use a financial planner (can cost a couple thousand dollars), take a class, or read books and research yourself
  • Low national savings rate – the average American saves 3.6% of their income. You need to save and invest the savings to retire. Experts say to save at least 20% of your income (and invest it) so that you can be able to retire. Some people save 50% of their income to retire very early!
  • People are trying to access their retirement funds early and doing it often – 10% penalty. Don’t do that. Don’t interrupt compound interest unnecessarily. This year, Americans will pay $6.1 billion in penalties for early 401k withdrawals!
  • People don’t understand compound interest – they don’t realize how much it impacts your finances and retirement.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – January 18, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Psych2Go – 11 Things You Should Say “NO” To
  • Toxic people – toxicity breeds negativity
  • People who make you feel unsafe –you have the right to feel safe and not on edge
  • People who disregard your emotional wellbeing and feelings –you deserve to have the freedom to express your feelings
  • Situations that make you feel unwanted –you are worthy
  • Negative self-talk –be reflective rather than critical
  • Comparing yourself to other people –everyone is different and unique, and everyone has their own flaws, abilities, and strengths
  • Bad partners –you have no obligation to stay in a relationship
  • Resisting growth and healing –you are your own masterpiece, and you can own every aspect of who you are
  • Needless waiting –you can’t recover your wasted time.
  • Letting other people’s opinions determining your worth –people will always have an opinion of you. Opinions are not facts.
  • Shrinking yourself to fit in –you’re missing out on the opportunities to grow and reach your greatest potential

Say no to the things that aren’t serving you so that you’ll be saying yes to a clear mind and happier life surrounded by more love and light.

Optimal Relationships Daily – Learning Better Marriage Communication Tools
  • Take more couple time alone – uninterrupted time for just the two of you.
  • Manage your own irritability and stress. Take care of your health and get adequate sleep.
  • Use your everyday life to reduce stress. Tune in as your partner talks about their day:
    • frustrations and irritations
    • the things they are proud of
    • the unpredictable events or people in our lives
  • Couples learn, over time:
    • They learned the cast of characters in each other’s lives.
    • They learned more about the worries and pressures each faced.
    • They offered no advice, criticism, solutions, or suggestions.
    • Instead, they offered a supportive listening ear, true friendship and empathy, and support and validation.
  • Ask for an ally, not a problem-solver.
  • Use touch to effectively communicate. Actions speak louder than words. Show you care.
  • Tune in to dreams, hopes, and aspirations. As you learn your partner’s dreams, hopes, and aspirations, both of you will feel more connected.
Life Kit – Popular myths about sleep, debunked
  • Myth: it doesn’t matter what time of day you sleep.
    • Truth: It does matter. Your circadian rhythm is influenced by natural sunlight in your environment. We need to get exposure to natural sunlight. Blackout curtains and wearing sunglasses on the way home in the morning (shift work) can help your circadian rhythm if you are a shift worker.
  • Myth: Being able to fall asleep any time, anywhere, is a good thing.
    • Truth: It takes a well-rested, healthy person 15-20 minutes or longer to fall asleep. Being able to fall asleep right away generally means you aren’t getting enough sleep.
  • Myth: One night of sleep deprivation will have lasting negative effects.
    • Truth: One night of sleep deprivation can happen from time to time and is normal. Try to get back on track as fast as possible.
  • Myth: Many adults only need 5 hours of sleep or less per night for general health.
    • Truth: Not getting enough sleep can result in compensatory naps. Sleeping for 7-9 hours each night is best for optimal health and well-being – improved heart health, longevity, brain health, etc.
  • The best way to get into the recommended range is to start adding 15 minutes to your overall sleep routine and add more sleep time as needed until you wake up feeling refreshed and have energy through the day without reaching for coffee or energy drinks.
  • Watching tv is not recommended before bed. Reduce screen time.
  • Make sure your bedroom is under 70 degrees when sleeping. Increasing temperatures results in more nightmares and more tossing and turning.
  • Myth: Exercising within four hours of bedtime will disturb your sleep.
    • Truth: Data does not back this up. Exercising can result in better sleep. Exercise releases endorphins, which are mood elevators and can help with the number one cause of sleep difficulties, which is stress.
https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5saWJzeW4uY29tLzEyNzUzOC9yc3M/episode/YTdhZmEwMmQtN2RkYS00OTM2LWI4OTYtYzJhYWQ3Y2Q0ZmM0?sa=X&ved=0CAUQkfYCahcKEwiQkJmwsOeDAxUAAAAAHQAAAAAQAQ

Talks at Google – Shelmina Babai Abji – 8 Strategies for Women to Emerge as Leaders at Work

  • What value am I going to create? What is it that I would know that they don’t already know? Speak up. You have ideas that matter.
  • Scan your mental chatter and intentionally pick a response that will allow you to show your worth. You are hired for one reason: the value you create towards the success of your organization.
  • Intentionally seek assignments that push you out of your comfort zone, that challenge your current competence, and that build new competence. The more competence built, the higher the value you create for your organization. The best way to build more competence is to step outside your comfort zone.
  • Listen and learn. When you step outside your comfort zone, if you’re not stumbling, you’re not pushing yourself hard enough. You’re learning as you’re stumbling.
  • Look back at who you were before you learned so much. Look at how far you’ve grown.
  • Who knows you? How are you known? The conversation about people that people are having in the room while they aren’t present is determining their career projection. The way people talk about you when you aren’t in the room is your personal branding.
  • Panel interviews – the person who gets the job depends on who around the table advocates for them. Find “sponsors” who will advocate for you.
  • Create a personal success plan. Every week, set aside time to reflect on what you’ve learned and what successes you’ve had in the last week.
  • Surround yourself with people who are celebrating you, or you become your own cheerleader. Don’t wait for anyone. Recognize that you have worked so hard to be where you are and achieve what you’re doing.
  • Focus on what you can control. Do not expend your time and energy on what you can’t control. Uncertainty is always going to be there.
  • You have limited energy and limited attention, and you get to decide where you’re going to allocate your energy and attention. Always be asking: Is this worthy of my attention? Should I be doing this task? Will it move me closer to my definition of success? Will it contribute toward the success of my organization? If not, learn to say no. Structure your days around your highest priorities.
  • Saying no can show people that you respect your attention, time, and energy. When you respect yourself, others will respect you.
  • When you go into a meeting, set intentions. If you don’t set intentions, you will be driven by someone else.  When you become intentional, you will not let their behavior drive your behavior. Behave in alignment with the brand you want for yourself. Show up as a leader no matter what. If you show up as a leader when the conversation is highly emotionally charged, people will remember that.
  • Be very intentional about who you seek advice from. If you have a mentor who is not challenging you, who is not contributing to your growth, or who does not have the capacity to advise you to move forward, you are blocking your success. Have multiple people you seek advice from and seek “sponsors” who support and advocate for you.
  • **Note that this podcast did not actually cover the eight strategies expanded upon in her book.**
Self Improvement Daily – Defeating Perfectionism

Perfectionism is an avoidance tactic and a form of self-sabotage. Perfectionism can lead to indecision, the limiting belief that you aren’t good enough, and never accepting something as finished. In order to overcome perfectionism, you need to take imperfect action and overcome self-sabotage to become that next, better version of yourself. That can only happen through taking action.

I have reflected on this quite a bit this week because it resonates with me.

Yesterday, January 17, marked one year at my job, a job I love and am passionate about. Yesterday also marked the end of week two of my post-graduate paralegal certificate program, which has been very interesting and demanding so far.

I had been discerning being a criminal prosecutor for *years* since college, yet I was hesitant to accept my current (non-attorney) role due to ongoing health issues and uncertainty in the number of appointments and treatments I would endure. I accepted the job anyway, even though the timing wasn’t *perfect*.

This past year, in my position, I decided to gather more information and talk to actual criminal prosecutors at my job and ultimately decided not to pursue being a criminal prosecutor – something I had been thinking about for *many* years. A paralegal certificate program was never on my radar. In the process of conversation and achieving clarity, I decided to go for it and pursue a paralegal certificate, despite not having it all figured out. 🤷‍♀️

The point is, I was uncomfortable and was waiting for the perfect time for everything: the perfect time to accept this job, the perfect time to gain clarity in my discernment process, the perfect time to start this paralegal program. Yet, if I had waited for the perfect time to take this job (when my ongoing health issues were resolved), I would not have come this far and discovered all I have. I would still be waiting. Boy, would my life be very different today if I had still been waiting for the perfect time to start. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – January 11, 2024

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My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

On Purpose with Jay Shetty – 4 Lessons I Will Be Taking With Me Into 2024 & How You Can Implement Them

In this world of wanting to be better, grow more, and learn more, we often put ourselves under more pressure and greater stress.

Lessons from Jay Shetty:

  • #1 – understanding stress as a spectrum – Look at stress as a spectrum.
    • Eustress – a positive form of stress having a beneficial effect on health, motivation, performance, and emotional wellbeing. During eustress, feel-good chemicals (endorphins) are released.
    • Distress– great pain, anxiety, sorrow, mental suffering, affliction, trouble, etc. We are often referring to distress when we talk about stress.
    • Are you putting eustress onto yourself, or are you putting yourself in positions of distress? Are you putting stress on yourself to feel better, motivate yourself, or move yourself forward, or are you putting stress on yourself and being critical of yourself for not getting enough done or not doing enough this year?
    • Putting yourself under distress makes you less productive, less effective, and less impactful. Guilt blocks growth.
  • Rigid thinking/a lack of flexibility – if you stress that you missed a day of your morning routine or an aspect of your daily habits, you are causing distress and you aren’t being realistic.
  • What one thing could you say you’ve done every day of your life without fail? Probably only breathing, eating, and sleeping

This point was eye-opening to me because I began focusing on daily habits in 2022, and although I have achieved some habits every single day since January 2022, I have been hard on myself when I haven’t been completely perfect with other habits.

  • When we get into these rigid patterns of thinking, that’s distress. It compounds stress. It’s not a “must.” It’s a “I get to,” “this makes me better,” “imagine what’s possible.”
  • Unrealistic expectations or perfectionism – caring too much can make what you are creating worse and can make you more anxious. Look at your life and reflect on how you can prepare but not overprepare and think but not overthink.
  • #2 – finding your center. Give up perfectionism. Accept that you might need to fail at something sometimes. In order to develop a healthy relationship with anything in the world, we have to find the middle and settle in the middle. Try not to be an extremist.
  • Most stressful events of life: death of spouse, divorce, death of a close family member, injury or illness, marriage, job loss, retirement

This goes along with daily habits. Learn to accept that you might not be able to be perfect every day; other priorities may come up. This is something I am working on.

  • #3 – being more compassionate and understanding of how others deal with stress – notice how unique and personal your relationship with stress is and how everyone’s experience is unique. Make a list of triggers for stress and create a plan to help you deal with stress.
  • #4 – Stop sleeping with your phone near your bed. Get a real alarm clock. Allow yourself to wake up and sleep without your phone. Scrolling on your phone results in going to bed later and full of ideas.

This is a tip I have read about time and time again, but I have not implemented it for a variety of reasons.

  • Know when to push yourself and when to hold back. If you can push yourself positively towards a goal you love with motivation, that’s brilliant. If you’re pushing yourself with negativity or negative self-talk, you need to hold back.
The Clever Girls Know Podcast – 10 Habits of Successful Women
  1. Successful women set goals and achieve them. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timebound.
  2. Believe in yourself. Say affirmations to yourself, work on self-confidence, and believe you have what it takes to move forward.
  3. Say no sometimes. This gives you ownership of your time and lets you determine where you want to spend your energy and where you don’t want to spend your energy.
  1. Successful women make time for self-love and mindfulness. Take care of your physical and mental health in order to achieve your goals.
  2. Always have a backup plan to fall back on.
  3. Be comfortable with failure. Failure results in lessons in disguise.
  4. Know when to accept help.
  1. Strive for personal development. Never stop learning. Read, ask questions, leverage free resources, and spend time with mentors who help you grow.
  2. Successful women do not compare themselves to others. Comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of comparing yourself, ask others how they did it so that you can learn to achieve those goals as well.
  3. Accept the path and move on from mistakes.
All the Hacks with Chris Hutchins – Top 10 Takeaways from All the Hacks in 2023
  • Practice getting rejected to help boost your confidence and your ability to ask for things, and it might surprise you over the course of your life. To become more confident, focus on other people’s needs.
    • Constantly say, “tell me more.” Let people do the talking and listen and respond to their needs appropriately. What? So what? Now what? What happened, why is it important, and what are we doing next? When presenting, practice WHAT: Why you’re here, How are we connected, Anecdote or two, and Thank you or Toast.
  • Kindness is so important. Distinction between being nice and being kind – if you are delivering bad news, do it from a place of sincerity. Kindness leads to you flourishing.
    • Try to understand who you are trying to accomplish things for and make sure it’s what’s making you happy. This will lead to less resentment and more kindness.

Years ago, I read a book called “Rejection Proof” by Jia Jiang. Jia put himself in several scenarios to face rejection and build confidence.

  • Value your time. We need to value our time better. Get better at outsourcing, dropping things, or delegating things you don’t want to do. Calculate your “buy back” rate. Do a time audit and look at your calendar. Look at tasks you may be able to outsource that you don’t enjoy. Learn to say no to protect your time.
  • Learn the skill of spending. Get clarity on your spending; understand where you spend your money and be intentional about your spending.  Spend on the things you care about and cut back mercilessly on the things you don’t.
  • There are so many paths to happiness and success.
  • We are responsible for our own health. Exercise and eat well. Be an advocate for your health.
  • Eating well can be much easier. Find meal plans or recipes online, use the Paprika app, etc. Use a meal subscription service if needed. Eat the same thing on certain days. Ex: tacos on Tuesday.
  • You are in control of your own life. Set goals and do what you say you’re going to do. Brainstorm what your life would look like if time and money weren’t a concern: the relationship you have with your spouse, friends and family, health and fitness, travel and transportation, hobbies and personal expression, work and career, self-improvement, giving back, and celebrations and holidays. You may realize that you don’t need more time and money to live the life you want to; you just need to manage your time and money better.
  • Ditch plan B. It may hold you back. Prioritize spending time with optimists.
  • Take time to reflect. What did I change my mind on this year? What created energy this year? What drained energy this year? Who were the boat anchors in my life? What did I not do because of fear? What were my greatest hits and worst misses? What did I learn this year?
HBR IdeaCast – The Best Return-to-Office Policies Aren’t One-Size-Fits-All
  • It’s wild how things have changed. If a company in 2019 had allowed employees to work from home two days a week, they would have been seen as progressive, incredibly trusting, and an amazing employer. Today, if that same employer expected people to go into the office three days a week, it could be seen as unnecessarily rigid. Some managers want to bring people back into the office in the name of collaboration and company culture.
  • When should employees be in the office? How often? On what days? How should it work? What managers tend to get wrong is instituting a one-size-fits-all approach from the top down.
  • Leading organizations are shaping their return-to-office approach to help employees feel that they still have a sense of control and agency over their decisions and behaviors, are facilitating interpersonal connections, and are fostering more-inclusive onsite work environments. They are looking to create a workplace environment that employees will want to be a part of.
  • Many employees are wondering why companies are making people come back to the office if they have been functioning remotely anyway.
  • Research shows that 67% of employees feel that going back to the office requires more effort than it did pre-pandemic. We have become accustomed to the flexibility and autonomy over the last few years. Many employees are concerned about the cost of going back to the office.
  • 3 areas leaders and organizations should focus on to navigate this transition:
    • Balance of structure and freedom to preserve employee autonomy
    • Offer meaningful benefits like commuting subsidies, free or subsidized on-site childcare, food options onsite
    • Must be intentional about helping employees build connections that can lead to personal and professional growth
  • Leaders cannot simply rely on the physical space to build connections. Leaders also need to incorporate inclusion into the onsite environment.
  • Only 50% of employees feel that the onsite environment seems inclusive.
  • Employers can help defray the costs of coming into the office. Many employees feel that the costs of coming into the office outweigh the benefits. Ideas: have free or subsidized childcare, transportation reimbursement, free or subsidized lunch
  • Leaders need to bring employees into the conversation and take a data-driven approach to the mandate. Will requiring employees to go into the office solve all concerns about productivity, loss of employee culture, etc.?
Life Kit – 5 questions to ask your partner for a healthy, lasting marriage
  • Is there anything that you or I are not willing to give up once we’re married? Ex: a certain hobby like yoga or fishing a certain amount of times each week. You must respect what each person needs and set boundaries to create a thriving marriage. Identity your non-negotiables and your areas of flexibility.
  • Can you handle me doing things without you? There needs to be connection (togetherness) and autonomy. Be able to compromise on what you can do together and what you can do alone. An early sign of emotional abuse in any relationship is that a person wants to control a partner’s time.
  • When conflict arose, did your family use the silent treatment, calmly discuss disagreements, or slam doors? How will we engage in conflict? The way couples handle conflict is the single best predictor of whether a marriage will flourish. According to the Gottman Relationship Institute, 2/3 of marriage conflicts are unsolvable, so it is important to learn how to manage it. Indicators of divorce: contempt, defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling
  • What is the most you’d be willing to spend on a lamp? A pair of shoes? A pair of jeans? Are you on the same page financially? We need to have open and honest ongoing discussions about our approaches to finances and about our emotions about money.
  • Are you able to change diapers at 3 a.m. and miss important meetings if our kid is sick? Both partners should share, over time, equally, their talents and time. You don’t necessarily need equality, but each partner should feel respected.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do

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“13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do” was written by Amy Morin, a licensed clinical worker, psychotherapist, and instructor at Northeastern University. Amy gave one of the most viewed Tedx talks of all time.

There are three parts to mental strength: thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

  1. They don’t compare themselves to other people. Every flower blooms at a different pace. There will always be someone better than you or who has more than you do.

Consider: What information does this person have that could be helpful to me? What can I learn from this person?

  • What’s helpful: recognizing when you’re comparing yourself to others, reframing your comparison language, acccepting your discomfort, separating factual thoughts from judgments, and competing against yourself
  • What’s not helpful: using words like “should,” “wish,” or “better”, using downward comparisons to temporarily boost your mood, viewing everyone as your competition, using social media to compare your life to the lives of others

2. They don’t insist on perfection.

  • What’s helpful: identifying what perfectionism costs you, admitting your flaws, recognizing when you expect too much from others
  • What’s not helpful: expecting other people to be perfect, using harsh words to criticize yourself, assuming that you must be flawless to succeed, and hiding your potential flaws from others

3. They don’t see vulnerability as a weakness.

  • Phrases to incorporate into your conversations: I’m sorry, I need help, I made a mistake, I’m scared, My feelings are hurt, I was wrong
  • What’s helpful: identifying the protective armor you use to protect yourself from emotional wounds, owning your story without letting your story own you, practicing vulnerability, and incorporating vulnerability language into your conversations
  • What’s not helpful: maintaining a tough exterior so people can’t hurt you, suppressing your emotions, avoiding risks because you think you can’t handle rejection or disappointment, lashing out in anger to mask your pain

4. They don’t let self-doubt stop them from reaching their goals.

  • What’s helpful: monitoring your emotions, doubting your doubt, examining the evidence behind your self-doubt, considering the worst-case scenario, embracing a little self-doubt
  • What’s not helpful: believing everything you think, getting caught up in self-doubt and inaction, confusing fear for intuition, waiting until you feel 100% confident to proceed

5. They don’t overthink everything.

  • What’s helpful: scheduling time to worry, changing the channel in your brain, practicing mindfulness
  • What’s not helpful: allowing overthinking to overtake your entire day, getting caught up in analysis paralysis, and believing that devoting more time to thinking will help you resolve everything

6. They don’t avoid tough challenges.

  • What’s helpful: acting as if you feel brave, surrounding yourself with people who choose to challenge themselves, knowing your values and your purpose, and thinking about challenges as opportunities
  • What’s not helpful: avoiding anything that feels stressful, passively waiting to feel courageous, looking at past failures or rejections as proof you shouldn’t try again, and letting other people discourage you from trying to reach your goals

7. They don’t fear breaking the rules.

  • What’s helpful: identifying the unwritten rules you follow, justifying your choices to yourself, showing people what you’re capable of doing, helping others see their potential, and considering the consequences of following the rules
  • What’s not helpful: violating rules out of laziness or disrespect, waiting for everyone else to take action first, following the rules without considering whether they’re helpful, and going with the flow even when you don’t want to

8. They don’t put others down to lift themselves up.

  • These shouldn’t dictate your self-worth: your appearance, your net worth, who you know, what you do, and what you achieve.
  • What’s helpful: recognizing when you’re tempted to put someone down, uncovering the thoughts and feelings behind your desire to lash out, building your self-worth on who you are at your core, reframing the thoughts you have about other people to acknowledge that it’s your opinion (not a fact), and proactively building other people up
  • What’s not helpful: lashing out when you feel threatened by someone else’s success, separating yourself from others to maintain a competitive edge, pointing out others’ flaws, convincing yourself you are “warning” others when you speak ill of someone

9. They don’t let others limit their potential. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

  • What’s helpful: examining the self-limiting beliefs you may have accepted as truth, recognizing thinking errors, working toward your goals despite other people’s doubt, establishing clear boundaries, and seeking helpful feedback
  • What’s not helpful: giving up because you were rejected, living up to your labels, staying stuck in unhealthy thinking patterns, letting other people’s doubt prevent you from trying, and allowing unwanted advice to hold you back

10. They don’t blame themselves when something goes wrong.

  • You can influence others, but you are not responsible for their choices. You have no way of knowing how things would have turned out if you had done things differently. You made your choices based on the information you had then, not the information you have now. Change the story you tell yourself.
  • What’s helpful: changing the story you tell yourself, asking for forgiveness when you’ve made a mistake, making reparation when you have hurt others, and gaining social support to help you deal with excessive guilt
  • What’s not helpful: engaging in grueling self-punishment, forgiving yourself too quickly for hurting others, feeling responsible for other people’s actions, and believing your’e a bad person as opposed to thinking you made a bad choice

11. They don’t stay silent.

  • What’s helpful: acknowledging when you’ve been victimized or discriminated against, telling someone about your experiences, speaking up for those who can’t speak up for themselves, establishing clear guidelines, and doing your part to ensure your voice is heard
  • What’s not helpful: assuming discrimination would never happen to you, staying passive about sexual harassment, being a silent bystander, and keeping your experiences secret

12. They don’t feel bad about reinventing themselves by changing habits, embracing spirituality, getting a new job, meeting new people, developing a hobby, changing something about their appearance, shifting their attitude, realigning their priorities, and learning new skills.

  • What’s helpful: taking a step back to examine when you ‘re living according to your values, identifying changes you want to make, thinking about ways you could use your skillset
  • What’s not helpful: getting stuck in a rut, assuming the grass is always greener on the other side, refusing to change because it feels too hard, thinking you have to stay the same to be authentic, and waiting until you feel like changing

13. They don’t downplay their success.

  • What’s helpful: recognizing when you’re downplaying your success, saying “thank you” when you are given a compliment, listing achievements to remind yourself of your success, and mentoring/teaching/training others
  • What’s not helpful: flaunting your achievement, refusing compliments, and minimizing yourself to help others feel important

This book was very thorough and insightful! One of my favorite takeaways was:

“If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had occurred, how would you know things were better?” What would you be doing differently? Go do those things. Change your behavior first and you’ll change how you feel.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

The Story of You – Enneagram Types and Rewriting Your Story

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“The Story of You” is a book written by Ian Morgan Cron, an author, psychotherapist, Episcopal priest, songwriter, and founder of the Typology podcast. Using the nine Enneagram types, Ian revealed the broken stories that each type adopts and inhabits in childhood to make sense of the world and explored how to rewrite the self-sabotaging stories you tell yourself about who you are. I had SO many take-aways from this book, and it was among my top 20 favorite books I read in 2022.

All nine Enneagram types were explored in this book in detail, and it was evident that I am mostly a type ONE on the Enneagram. Ones are well-behaved, mature, inherently principled natural leaders who want to know the standards and principles of morality, decency, and integrity and adhere to them. Ones are perfectionists always working to improve themselves and to be good, often expecting others to be the same way. Ones tell themselves that it’s their job to make the world a better place, so they work harder, do more, and put in extra hours to accomplish that.

Statements ONES relate to (aka the story of my life):

  • What I should do is more important than what I want to do.
  • I’ll finally be happy when I’m perfect.
  • I need to be good so people will like me.
  • I have to maintain control.
  • If I relax, all hell will break loose.
  • The risk of being criticized or judged is not worth the shame and self-judgment it could cause.
  • People will not accept me as a flawed human being.
  • Others won’t do as good a job as me.

For ONES, perfectionism is the source of unhappiness. The story Ones tell themselves includes self-improvement as the starting point for improving the world, so they are eager to pursue new systems, innovative practices, or fresh ideas that help them do more in able to be better. They often experience simmering resentment just below the surface waiting to boil over, self-condemnation for their imperfections, and exhaustion from always striving to improve and do more.

ONES breaking out of their own story:

  • make rest and relaxation a priority
  • schedule vacations/days off/downtime in order to recharge
  • stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking
  • accept themselves as they are, knowing that imperfection is essential
  • forgive themselves when they fall short
  • learn to endure disorder and chaos without running around and correcting others and modeling the right way to do things
  • let go of the need for certainty and extend grace to others for trying
  • realize that God’s love is not predicated on their accomplishments in perfecting themselves, others, and the world
  • Their new story starts when they begin to experience the virtue of serenity that comes when they accept that the world is imperfectly perfect and so are they.

You have control over the choices you make every day. You are the narrator of your own story. Assume control of your new story; don’t let your old story control you.

“Who would I be and what could I achieve if I pushed back against the false story about who I think I am and the nature of the world? What decisions can I make today to inhabit the new story that will help me become the highest and truest expression of myself?”

Ian Morgan Cron

I highly recommend reading this book if you want to rewrite your story!

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday- March 9, 2023

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My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Life Kit- The five kinds of perfectionists

Five kinds of perfectionists:

  • Classic perfectionist: highly organized. They do what they say they’re going to do, when they said they were going to do it, and in the way they said they’d do it. They are highly reliable and add structure to any environment they enter. They cannot be as spontaneous and sometimes don’t welcome collaboration and connection. People working with them can end up feeling more transactional.
    • I consider myself a classic perfectionist most of the time.
  • Procrastinator: waits for conditions to be perfect before starting. They tend to ruminate. They can prepare so well and see things from a 360-degree angle and are not impulsive. They encounter challenges around getting projects off the ground because they experience anxiety around beginnings.
  • Messy: in love with beginnings. They can start anything effortlessly. When they hit the middle of the process and the tedium that is involved in staying committed to carrying out those goals, they lose interest and energy because the middle isn’t perfect and doesn’t match the perfect romanticized energy around starting.
  • Intense: razor sharp focus. They are really great at generating outcomes. Sometimes they prize the outcome so much that they lose the sense of team/relationship building in the process. They get their desired outcome at the great expense of others around them. Others’ safety depends on their outbursts.
    • Gordon Ramsay was listed as an example of an intense perfectionist, as conveyed in his television shows, such as Hell’s Kitchen.
  • Parisian: wanting perfect connection. They often practice people-pleasing at the expense of sacrificing their own sense of identity and pleasure. They are genuinely warm people who focus on inclusion, collaborate well, and enjoy working with others.

Ways to work with and reframe our types of perfectionism:

Explaining vs. expressing. When you only explain and you don’t express, it emphasizes a transactional, no-team-oriented, get-it-done attitude. It makes people feel disconnected. If you only express (messy and Parisian types), you talk a lot about how you feel but you aren’t asserting your wants and needs. You need to explain and help others understand you better.

Control vs. power. They look very similar, but they are very different. Control is about manipulating and planning one step at a time. This leaves you frantic, and your desperate energy and anxiety can be felt by others around you.

Power is about influencing and being a visionary. You accept that, no matter what happens with the outcome, you know what’s important to you and trust yourself to understand what to do next.

You can’t think yourself through your life. You have to be open and surrender. You don’t know what’s coming next. You can’t be in surrender and in control at the same time.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Are you hurting or helping the people around you in pursuit of your ideals?
  • Does this action serve to connect or distance you from your values?
  • Are you pursuing this ideal for the right reasons, or are you seeking some kind of arbitrary external validation?
SHE with Jordan Lee Dooley- Asking for Help as a Perfectionist

Perfectionists tend to want control of everything in their lives. When it comes to work, as the work piles on, they may become overwhelmed because they feel that they can’t delegate or trust others to complete tasks to their expectations. Here are some tips:

  1. Set up standard operating procedures. Make it easier to delegate. Test the process yourself according to your instructions before you delegate! It can be so easy to think that others will do it your way, but they won’t without detailed instructions!
  2. Start really small with one small task at a time. Delegating and giving up control doesn’t come naturally to most of us, and giving up too much control causes us to feel overwhelmed and micromanage. Delegate little bits at a time!
  3. Communicate your expectations and dissatisfactions clearly and kindly. Encourage people to ask you questions! If a question is repeated, remind them that you’ve been through this before, and challenge them to look at examples and convey that you trust them. People can’t read your mind. You have to tell them and show them what you want by example, by screensharing, etc. You have to tell them what you don’t like and correct them so it doesn’t drive you crazy for an eternity!
  4. The sky is not falling when they drop the ball. Expect them to drop the ball. Something is bound to slip from your control. Give them the room to succeed and make mistakes to help them develop as well. No one will be perfect. Mistakes are inevitable.
Optimal Finance Daily- Life Insurance Beneficiary by Jeff Rose

The biggest lesson I learned in this podcast is to have contingencies! So many people list their spouse’s name as a beneficiary with no contingencies. If a beneficiary dies, the benefits will go to the contingent. If you and your spouse are both killed in a car crash at the same time, without a contingency, your benefits are left in limbo. Several contingencies must be clearly identified.

This week I finished reading “1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently” written by Marc Chernoff. One thing that stood out to me was an example of a tangerine.

“Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.

You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.

Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal— nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.

In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.”

How ironic! The tangerine can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, situation, relationship, person, or thought. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!