Category: Uncategorized

Book review posts, Uncategorized

How to Win Friends and Influence People

amybenoit

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” was written by Dale Carnegie, originally published in 1936 and most recently revised and republished in 2022, has sold more than 15 million copies, and resulted in the Dale Carnegie Foundation of global training courses. This was among my top 20 favorite books I read in 2022.

I first want to point out that the techniques likely work with some people, particularly in the corporate world, but genuine true friendships don’t require techniques or “winning.” With that said, many of these techniques are useful.

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.

Charles Schwab

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People:

  1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
  2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

6 ways to make people like you:

  1. Become generally interested in other people.
  2. Smile!
  3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
  5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
  6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

12 ways to win people to your way of thinking:

  1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
  2. Show response for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong.”
  3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
  4. Begin in a friendly way.
  5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
  6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
  8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
  9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
  10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
  11. Dramatize your ideas.
  12. Throw down a challenge.

9 ways to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment:

  1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
  3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
  4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  5. Let the other person save face.
  6. Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement.
  7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
  8. Give encouragement. Make the fault easy to correct.
  9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.

Dale Carnegie

Among my favorite takeaways: Give honest and sincere appreciation, be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves, show respect for the other person’s opinions, and call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

This book was filled with information and useful stories of examples and I highly recommend it!

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday- March 9, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Life Kit- The five kinds of perfectionists

Five kinds of perfectionists:

  • Classic perfectionist: highly organized. They do what they say they’re going to do, when they said they were going to do it, and in the way they said they’d do it. They are highly reliable and add structure to any environment they enter. They cannot be as spontaneous and sometimes don’t welcome collaboration and connection. People working with them can end up feeling more transactional.
    • I consider myself a classic perfectionist most of the time.
  • Procrastinator: waits for conditions to be perfect before starting. They tend to ruminate. They can prepare so well and see things from a 360-degree angle and are not impulsive. They encounter challenges around getting projects off the ground because they experience anxiety around beginnings.
  • Messy: in love with beginnings. They can start anything effortlessly. When they hit the middle of the process and the tedium that is involved in staying committed to carrying out those goals, they lose interest and energy because the middle isn’t perfect and doesn’t match the perfect romanticized energy around starting.
  • Intense: razor sharp focus. They are really great at generating outcomes. Sometimes they prize the outcome so much that they lose the sense of team/relationship building in the process. They get their desired outcome at the great expense of others around them. Others’ safety depends on their outbursts.
    • Gordon Ramsay was listed as an example of an intense perfectionist, as conveyed in his television shows, such as Hell’s Kitchen.
  • Parisian: wanting perfect connection. They often practice people-pleasing at the expense of sacrificing their own sense of identity and pleasure. They are genuinely warm people who focus on inclusion, collaborate well, and enjoy working with others.

Ways to work with and reframe our types of perfectionism:

Explaining vs. expressing. When you only explain and you don’t express, it emphasizes a transactional, no-team-oriented, get-it-done attitude. It makes people feel disconnected. If you only express (messy and Parisian types), you talk a lot about how you feel but you aren’t asserting your wants and needs. You need to explain and help others understand you better.

Control vs. power. They look very similar, but they are very different. Control is about manipulating and planning one step at a time. This leaves you frantic, and your desperate energy and anxiety can be felt by others around you.

Power is about influencing and being a visionary. You accept that, no matter what happens with the outcome, you know what’s important to you and trust yourself to understand what to do next.

You can’t think yourself through your life. You have to be open and surrender. You don’t know what’s coming next. You can’t be in surrender and in control at the same time.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Are you hurting or helping the people around you in pursuit of your ideals?
  • Does this action serve to connect or distance you from your values?
  • Are you pursuing this ideal for the right reasons, or are you seeking some kind of arbitrary external validation?
SHE with Jordan Lee Dooley- Asking for Help as a Perfectionist

Perfectionists tend to want control of everything in their lives. When it comes to work, as the work piles on, they may become overwhelmed because they feel that they can’t delegate or trust others to complete tasks to their expectations. Here are some tips:

  1. Set up standard operating procedures. Make it easier to delegate. Test the process yourself according to your instructions before you delegate! It can be so easy to think that others will do it your way, but they won’t without detailed instructions!
  2. Start really small with one small task at a time. Delegating and giving up control doesn’t come naturally to most of us, and giving up too much control causes us to feel overwhelmed and micromanage. Delegate little bits at a time!
  3. Communicate your expectations and dissatisfactions clearly and kindly. Encourage people to ask you questions! If a question is repeated, remind them that you’ve been through this before, and challenge them to look at examples and convey that you trust them. People can’t read your mind. You have to tell them and show them what you want by example, by screensharing, etc. You have to tell them what you don’t like and correct them so it doesn’t drive you crazy for an eternity!
  4. The sky is not falling when they drop the ball. Expect them to drop the ball. Something is bound to slip from your control. Give them the room to succeed and make mistakes to help them develop as well. No one will be perfect. Mistakes are inevitable.
Optimal Finance Daily- Life Insurance Beneficiary by Jeff Rose

The biggest lesson I learned in this podcast is to have contingencies! So many people list their spouse’s name as a beneficiary with no contingencies. If a beneficiary dies, the benefits will go to the contingent. If you and your spouse are both killed in a car crash at the same time, without a contingency, your benefits are left in limbo. Several contingencies must be clearly identified.

This week I finished reading “1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently” written by Marc Chernoff. One thing that stood out to me was an example of a tangerine.

“Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.

You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.

Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal— nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.

In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.”

How ironic! The tangerine can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, situation, relationship, person, or thought. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

The Power of Habit

amybenoit

“The Power of Habit” written by Charles Duhigg is among my favorite books I’ve read this year and among the most helpful books I have ever read. This book focused on the process of creating and modifying habits, habitual cues and rewards, and contained many interesting marketing examples shaped by habits: Pepsodent, Febreze, Target, foaming shampoo/toothpaste/laundry detergent, the response to Rosa Parks, AA, etc.

The habit cycle consists of the cue➡️routine➡️reward. If you use the same cue and provide the same reward, you can shift the routine and change the habit. Almost any behavior can be transformed if the cue and reward stay the same.

The basal ganglia (part of your brain) stores hundreds of habits we rely on every day. If the basal ganglia gets damaged, such as in those with Parkinson’s or Huntington’s disease, you may lose your habits.

If you want to change a habit, you must find an alternative routine, and your odds of success go up dramatically when you commit to changing as part of a group.

To modify a habit, you must decide to change it. You must consciously accept the hard work of identifying the cues and rewards that drive the habit’s routines and find alternatives. You must know you have control and be self-conscious enough to use it.”

Charles Duhigg

Almost all of the patterns that exist in our lives – how we eat, sleep, talk to people, spend our time, spend our money – are habits. You have the freedom and responsibility to change these habits.

Once you understand that habits can be rebuilt, the power of habit becomes easier to grasp, and the only option left is to get to work.

Charles Duhigg

Almost all habitual cues fit into one of five categories: location, time, emotional state, other people, and the immediately preceding action.

Here are some common habits (related to eating) that I can think of that fall into these categories:

Location: eating popcorn at a movie theater, drinking at a bar, eating cake at a birthday party

Time: eating breakfast, lunch, or supper around the same time each day, even if you aren’t actually hungry

Emotional state: feeling stressed or sad can result in binge-eating junk food

Other people: being surrounded by people at parties and social events may urge you to eat or drink

Immediately preceding action: eating dessert or something sweet after a meal because it is your way of ending the meal

❗❗One of the most interesting stories was about the history of Febreze, which was initially manufactured to destroy odors. Researchers provided free bottles to households with pets, and upon following up with them months later, found that people couldn’t detect most of the bad smells in their homes because they became desensitized. The product’s cue was hidden from those who needed it most, so Febreze ended up in the back of a closet. Febreze then changed to a distinct scent and was positioned as a reward: the nice smell that occurs at the end of a cleaning routine. The irony is that a product manufactured to destroy odors was transformed into the opposite: an air freshener used as the finishing touch when things are already clean!❗❗

Pepsodent increased awareness of tooth film as a cue to become the best-selling toothpaste for more than 30 years. The reward was marketed as beautiful teeth. Mint oil and other chemicals were used to create a cool, tingling sensation on the tongue and gums. People craved that irritation, and although it doesn’t make the product work any better, it convinces people that it’s doing the job.

Later, Crest became the top seller by featuring fluoride, which was the first ingredient in toothpaste that actually made it effective at fighting cavities.

Foaming is a huge reward. Shampoo, toothpaste, and laundry detergent often contain foaming agents. Although there’s no cleaning benefit, once the customer starts expecting that foam, the habit starts growing.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a method for attacking the habits that surround alcohol use. AA forces people to identify the cues and rewards that encourage their alcoholic habits and then helps them find new behaviors.

It’s not obvious from the way the 12 steps are written, but to complete those steps, someone has to create a list of all the triggers for their alcoholic urges.

J. Scott Tonigan

Then, AA asks alcoholics to search for the rewards they get from alcohol: escape, relaxation, companionship, the blunting of anxieties, and an opportunity for emotional release.

If order to offer alcoholics the same rewards they get at a bar, AA has built a system of meetings and companionship – “the sponsor” each member works with along with frequent meetings.

“Hey Ya!” by Outkast was a flop at first. Many people changed the radio station when it came on. It needed to become part of an established listening habit to become a hit, so it was sandwiched between songs that were already popular, and it grew in popularity.

The author discussed that the response to Rosa Parks and societal change was the result of social ties across dozens of groups.

Movements don’t emerge because everyone suddenly decides to face the same direction at once. They rely on social patterns that begin as the habits of friendship, grow through the habits of communities, and are sustained by new habits that change participants’ sense of self.

Charles Duhigg

Target extensively tracks customers’ buying habits. Every person has a permanent Guest ID #, and Target analyzes shopping habits, demographics, age, marital status, kids, how far from the store the customer lives, websites visited, etc.

To read more about habits and my habits journey, check out:

All About Atomic Habits + My Habits Journey

A podcast I highly recommend that focuses on habits is Sad to Savage with Shelby Sacco.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday- March 2, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

But Why: A Podcast for Curious Kids- Don’t swallow gum! And other things parents say

This was an interesting episode covering myths parents tell their kids. The most interesting issue addressed was that people say you must wait one hour after eating to go swimming. I have heard this throughout life, and I just learned that this is a myth! There is no harm in swimming right after eating. The worst that could happen as a result is that, if you swim vigorously right after eating a large meal, you might vomit. Most swimming is not done vigorously, so there’s no need to wait to get back in the water!

For You From Eve- Wellness Hacks and Mindset Shifts that Actually Work & Changed My Life

These wellness hacks helped the host change her life:

  • Stop distracting yourself with media. Let yourself feel your feelings and reflect.
  • Journal and write affirmations.
  • Take cold showers for breathwork/calming down. It doesn’t need to be a full cold shower; you can start with 1-2 minutes of cold water before adjusting the temperature.
  • Exercise!
  • Invest in skincare/makeup/hair.
  • Meal prep and purchase healthy foods.
  • Set limits for time spent on social media. List to podcasts instead.
  • Read self-help books.
  • Get 7-9 hours of sleep.
  • Take vitamins and supplements.
  • Meditate.

I do many of these things, and they have helped me change my life! Exercising, journaling and writing affirmations, starting a skincare routine, meal prepping and clean eating, reading self-help books, listening to podcasts, prioritizing sleep, and limiting social media have benefited me greatly.

I am currently reading “1000+ Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently” written by Marc Chernoff. One thing that has stood out to me so far is:

Everyone gets upset and loses their temper sometimes. When you catch yourself passing judgment, add “just like me sometimes” to the end of a sentence. For example: That person is grouchy, just like me sometimes. She is being rude, just like me sometimes. Choose to let things go. Let others off the hook. Take the high road today.

Marc Chernoff
Sad to Savage- Things I Wish I Knew Sooner: Advice From Your Big Sister (Shelby Sacco)

Sad to Savage is one of my favorite podcasts and is mostly focused on habits. However, this episode contained so many things I needed to hear that are mostly unrelated to daily habits:

  • Being selfish is the most important thing you can do in your twenties. Do what’s best for you and be independent.
  • You are who you surround yourself with.
  • Growth is not linear. Life is a rollercoaster.
  • Quit the job you hate. If you need the income, spend a couple days or weeks updating your resume and applying to jobs. You spend a lot of time at work, so don’t tough it out in hopes that it will get better.
  • Find the fitness you like. If you’re miserable doing it, it’s not the correct fitness for you. You should not dread working out.
  • Cheating has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with someone else’s qualities.

If someone treats you badly due to addictions, you cannot control someone who does not want to change. You cannot make someone want a different life.

  • Do not leave your hardest tasks for the end of the day when you have less willpower. Be smart with your willpower. When you have formed daily habits, they don’t take willpower.
  • Invest in yourself and your future. You can educate yourself through reading.
  • Do not rely on motivation. The days you don’t feel like it are the days that matter most.

Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. What people think of you is none of your business.

  • The red flags you choose to ignore won’t go away.
  • The words you say to yourself and about yourself make up how you see yourself, and they decide your actions, which ultimately decide your life.
  • You are never too good to apologize to someone.

No one is in charge of your happiness except for you. You need to find and do things that bring you happiness.

When having a conversation with someone, ask if they want advice or just want someone to listen. Same goes for when you are the one talking.

Your entire life can be completely different in one year if you choose to do the work.

Waking up early will give you the time you need to do the things that you currently don’t have time for.

Your habits make up your life. You have the power to choose/change/create your habits. Investing in yourself and your habits will be the best choice you will ever make.

Optimal Finance Daily- 9 Painless Ways to Trick Yourself Into Spending Less by Sarah Von Bargen
  • Unsubscribe from newsletters that tempt you.
  • Block yourself from websites where you spend too much.
  • Turn off your computer’s/phone’s autocomplete credit card option so that you have to be bothered to get up and retrieve your card every time.
  • Order online and do curbside pickup to prevent impulse purchases.
  • Eat something before you go shopping. Don’t go shopping while hungry.
  • Give yourself a three-day waiting period. If you forget all about it, you don’t need it. If you still find yourself thinking about it three days later, pull the trigger.
  • Put yourself on a cash-only budget. We are much slower to spend cash than use our credit cards, and cash is not an option when online shopping.
  • Put a reminder in your wallet. You could print a wallet-sized photo of something you’re saving for.
  • Unfollow social media accounts that tempt you to spend. Unfollow accounts that make you want to spend more to keep up, and fill your feed with those who provide value to you or who are in your tax bracket.

Personal tip: If you are concerned about unsubscribing to newsletters that tempt you, when you want to purchase something, look on milled.com and search for the company to view e-mails that have been sent to customers to look for discounts. You can also look up promo codes online for discounts.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

Out of Office- Reflecting on How We Work

amybenoit

“Out of Office” was published in 2021 and written by Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Petersen. This book was among my top 20 favorite books I read in 2022 and focused on the transition to white-collar remote work during the pandemic, particularly on HOW we will work.

“We worship work. We remain faithful to it because we want to support ourselves and our families, but it’s become more than a simple means of providing needs. Work has taken on such a place of primacy in our lives that it has subsumed our identities, diluted our friendships, and disconnected us from our communities.”

This is increasingly evident in our society. Upon first meeting someone, the most common question asked is “What do you do?” as in, “What do you do for work?” Your identity is whittled down to what you do for work, and someone’s opinion of your work often impacts whether or not the conversation continues and friendship ensues. This is dangerous, especially when people lose their jobs or retire and don’t have an identity outside of work.

Who would you be if work ceased to be the axis of your life? How would your relationships with friends and family change? What role would you serve within your community at large? What hobbies would you pursue? We are so conditioned to approach our lives as something to squeeze in around work.

Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Petersen

I once worked for a boss who planned his work day around his desire to sleep longer, have a productive morning before work, and leave in the late afternoon for yoga or rock climbing. Although I thought it was odd, it became clear to me that he truly had a balance and planned work around his life, not life around his work.

The authors recommended auditing how we spend our time working and whether things need to be done during the standard work hours, getting rid of meetings that aren’t necessary and exploring asynchronous ways of communicating, considering four-day work weeks, setting boundaries to protect time away from work, dismantling any organizational monoculture, leveling the hybrid work playing field, and giving yourself space to explore hobbies and interests and commit to them.

The authors identified and expanded upon four areas critical to achieving ideal work-life balance: flexibility, culture, technology, and community and provided examples of other companies’ approaches to remote work, flexible scheduling, and company culture. This book was particularly appealing to me because, during the pandemic, I have had different jobs and made transitions. One job turned fully remote for a time, one job was in person every day, and one job was a hybrid environment, which appeals to me the most.

The pandemic taught employees and businesses about flexibility. Employees who were told that positions couldn’t be done remotely prior to the pandemic suddenly were required or able to be done remotely. Businesses and employees were challenged to maintain the culture or build a culture outside of the office environment, using technology and community.

“This example from the retail world should be instructive: if you have only enough employees to barely get the work done as is, you’ve engineered a scenario in which employees may have theoretical permission to take time off, but understand that they’ll shoulder the burden of that time off in some way. Either they try to keep doing part of their work while on leave, a colleague takes on an even larger work burden, or a portion of essential work goes undone, slowing everyone on a team.”

I have witnessed this in different roles. At its worst, due to the workload and demands, I worked part-time during a medical leave and regularly made up for time that I was sick. I felt discouraged from taking time off due to the stress of coming back to a fuller plate. I am grateful to have found collaboration and cross-training on a team.

Management is used as a way to reward workers who distinguish themselves for their productivity. As a recent study by Harvard Business Review pointed out, the skills associated with high productivity- including knowledge and expertise, driving for results, taking initiative- are almost all indications of INDIVIDUAL-ORIENTED competencies. Management requires skills that are OTHER-ORIENTED: being open to feedback, supporting colleagues’ development, communicating well, and having good interpersonal skills.

Charlie Warzel and Anne Helen Petersen

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday- February 23, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Living Daily- The Myth of the Someday/Maybe Life

The myth of the someday/maybe life refers to the urge to save things for our someday/maybe lives that are never the lives we are actually living right now.

Example listed in the podcast: a tan trench coat that has never been worn, but had been kept in case the person decided to be Inspector Gadget at Halloween some year.

If you struggle to let go of items for your someday/maybe life, ask yourself:

  • Would I buy it again today?
  • Have I used this in the last year/am I really ever going to use it?
  • What’s the worst thing that would happen if I let go of this? The worst-case scenario is usually not all that bad.

Tips: for clothing, turn the hangers around after wearing clothing to see what you wear, and get rid of clothes facing the original direction after six months or a year. I currently do this.

Pack things away in a box that you think you might need. If you don’t look for them after one year, the box is already packed and ready to donate!

In January, I challenged myself to give away 1 item each day in my local Buy Nothing Facebook page. I got rid of over 31 items–many items that were sitting in totes because I had thought I might use them someday! It was a great start to the year, and I may do this challenge again in the coming months.

Self Improvement Daily- Give Yourself Your Undivided Attention

People are always competing for our attention: marketers use clickbait headlines, Facebook and other apps send you notifications, friends text you and hope that you get back to them quickly, you may have work duties, and there are always other pressures on us to fulfill the many roles in our lives as a spouse, parent, family member, friend, volunteer, employee, etc.

In this podcast, Brian Ford prompts us to ask ourselves: When was the last time you gave yourself your undivided attention?

Take time to sit and reflect on what you want, how you are feeling, how energized you have been, how productive you have been, how your mental health is, what you are working towards and how it’s going, what you’re most excited about, and anything else you need to reflect on. Do this regularly. We know it’s the best thing we can do for others, but it’s also the best thing we can do for ourselves.

To achieve this, one habit I regularly practice is to disable Facebook and messenger notifications, personal e-mail notifications, and other app notifications on my phone. Silencing my phone while I am working or working on a task I want to prioritize, such as reading, is also helpful.

SHE with Jordan Lee Dooley- 6 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting Married

This episode was SO relatable. After being somewhat long-distance for 7+ years and not living together or seeing each other on weekdays before marriage, it has been an adjustment! Here are the 6 things the host wishes she knew before getting married, and I agree with all of these:

Scheduling– know your partner’s schedule. It’s helpful to have a shared calendar to know obligations and appointments. I keep a whiteboard calendar in our bedroom and write down my work schedule, medical appointments, family plans, and social outings with friends each month.

Conversations about $– have conversations about income and budgeting. Get on the same page about financial goals and dreams. Have monthly check-ins.

Organization– Keep clutter to a minimum. Have a landing zone to put stuff when you come in the door, such as a basket. Have a location where you put mail that you need to get to instead of putting it on the table or counter. Have one space for the majority of the cleaning supplies. Use a file cabinet with organized tabs. Understand how you organize differently. Minimize your belongings.

The host specifically stated that her husband is into outdoor activities, such as golf, fishing, and hunting. She was tired of seeing all of his items all over the garage, so she got him a big bin to put all of his items into–out of sight.

We have implemented some of the organizational tips above. We have a large storage stand with cleaners and laundry supplies, labeled and organized bins for medications and personal beauty products, and a file bin with labeled file folders for items such as the mortgage, auto, taxes, medical records, home improvement, etc.

Expectations– Talk about expectations for regular household tasks, such as “If I do the cooking, who does the dishes?” Who should take charge of the household accounting? Who should pay which bills? Is the mortgage payment going to be split evenly? How do you prefer to unwind or relax, and how many hours a day do you like to do that? Identify who is responsible for household chores. This prevents resentment from the person who feels like he or she is doing it all because he or she expected everything to be done on a certain timeline.

All of these are great questions! One of the biggest adjustments for us as newlyweds has been sharing time and space. When dating for 7+ years, we spent weeknights apart. Upon moving in together, I was very surprised and frustrated to find that my husband watches hours of tv each night after work–something I had never done regularly on a weeknight. I have since learned that this is his method of relaxing and unwinding after a long day of physical labor. I sit all day, so I have other ways of unwinding, including working out and staying active, reading, etc. We have our separate time and come together at some point each day to unwind together.

Hospitality– practice hospitality by regularly hosting people. We LOVE hosting people and are hoping to host more often.

Grace– lastly, give yourself grace! Being a power couple isn’t the goal. The perfect couple doesn’t exist. What you see on social media is only a fraction.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals + All About Productivity

amybenoit

“Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals” was written by Oliver Burkeman, published in 2021, was named after the concept of an average lifetime being just 4000 weeks, and is one of the most useful books I have ever read.

If you succeed in getting things done on your to-do list, more things will inevitably seem important, meaningful, or obligatory. Getting things done won’t generally result in the feeling of having “enough time” – the demands will increase to offset any benefits. You’ll be creating more things to do.

Oliver Burkemann

The more you believe you might succeed in “fitting everything in,” the more commitments you naturally take on, and the less you feel the need to ask whether each new commitment is truly worthy of a portion of your time – and so your days inevitably fill with more activities you don’t especially value. This is why it is SO important to learn how to say NO to obligations without feeling guilt, pressure, or obligation.

People complain that they no longer have “time to read,” but the reality, as the novelist Tim Parks has pointed out, is rarely that they can’t locate an empty half hour in the course of the day. What they mean is that when they do find time and use it to try to read, they’re impatient to give themselves to the task because they’re inclined to interruption. Social media and what we think of as “distractions” aren’t the ultimate cause of our being distracted. They’re just the places we go to seek relief from the discomfort of confronting limitation.

Tim Parks

When you get tremendously efficient at answering e-mail, all that happens is you get more e-mail.

“Nobody ever really gets four thousand weeks in which to live – not only because you might end up with fewer than that, but because in reality you never GET a single week, in the sense of being able to guarantee that it will arrive, or that you’ll be in a position to use it precisely as you wish.”

“We treat our plans as though they are a lasso, thrown from the present around the future, in order to bring it under our command. A plan is an expression of your current thoughts about how you’d ideally like to deploy your modest influence over the future. The future, of course, is under no obligation to comply.”

Oliver Burkemann

“The day will never arrive when you finally have everything under control—when the flood of emails has been contained; when your to-do lists have stopped getting longer; when you’re meeting all your obligations at work and in your home life; when nobody’s angry with you for missing a deadline or dropping the ball; and when the fully optimized person you’ve become can turn, at long last, to the things life is really supposed to be about. Let’s start by admitting defeat: none of this is ever going to happen.”

Oliver Burkemann

Spending at least some of your time “wastefully,” focused solely on the pleasure of the experience, is the only way NOT to waste it – to be truly at leisure, rather than covertly engaged in future-focused self-improvement. In order to most fully inhabit the only life you ever get, you have to refrain from using every spare hour for personal growth.

Tips: focus on one big project at a time, keep an open and closed to-do list with a fixed # of entries to have on your current to-do list, establish predetermined time boundaries for your daily work, accept that you can’t dedicate as much time as you want to everything and decide in advance what to not give as much effort to in your life, seek out novelty in the mundane and pay more attention in every moment, and practice doing nothing.

When in doubt, do the next most necessary thing.

Five questions to consider:

1. Where in your life or your work are you currently pursuing comfort, when what’s called for is a little discomfort? We naturally tend to make decisions about our daily use of time that prioritize anxiety-avoidance.

2. Are you holding yourself to, and judging yourself by, standards of productivity or performance that are impossible to meet?

3. In what ways have you yet to accept the fact that you are who you are, not the person you think you ought to be? Once you no longer feel the stifling pressure to become a particular kind of person, you can confront the personality/strengths, weaknesses/talents, and enthusiasm you find yourself with and follow where they lead.

4. In which areas of your life are you still holding back until you feel like you know what you’re doing?

5. How would you spend your days differently if you didn’t care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?

If you want to learn or hear more, Oliver Burkemann has been featured on many podcasts on Spotify! I highly recommend listening to this link to a Talks at Google YouTube video with Oliver Burkemann:

This book is one of the best books I have read and I highly recommend it!

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday- February 16, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Self Improvement Daily- Heck Ya or No Thank You

We tend to overcommit to things out of obligation, guilt, boredom, or an overall lack of boundaries. You can control what you commit to, and you can and should say no to protect your time, boundaries, and self-care. “You deserve to feel like you’re putting your heart into everything you do. That’s a real possibility in your life. And the only way you get there is by raising your standards.”

So the next time you’re making a decision to do something or not, ask yourself “Do I really want to do this?” If your answer is “Heck Ya” then follow the pull of it. If it’s anything else, politely say “No Thank You.”

Brian Ford
How to Be a Better Human- How to get the medical care you deserve

Doctors are often rushing from patient to patient, and many times patients feel unheard. Here are some tips to get the medical care you deserve:

Prepare for your appointment with a chronological written history of your issue/story. This helps because if you feel/look fine at your appointment, you can still get your doctor’s attention with a written chronology of information and also save the doctor time. Also, come prepared with questions. Often doctors are rushed, so having your story written down and organized helps!

  • Try to get your doctor to listen to you. Some sample statements are “I want to really explain to you how this illness has affected my life.” For a chronic health issue, state “These symptoms are different than what I had been experiencing.” Emphasize what you have tried already for treatment. Ask your doctor what diagnosis the doctor thinks this is. It also helps to have a family member or spouse with you to get the doctor’s attention.
  • Have your primary care doctor or referring provider provide the specialist with a note of your symptoms, progress, what has been tried, etc.
  • Try to get to know your provider before an urgent issue comes up to build trust.

Doctors have more focus during telemedicine visits. There are fewer distractions, as they are only seeing one patient at a time, they aren’t dealing with others knocking on their door, etc. Virtual appointments present a greater opportunity to share your story.

I have learned that you really need to be your own advocate in the healthcare system. Throughout most of my life, I had various symptoms and was (mis)diagnosed with various conditions, and sometimes I was told that it’s “normal” or that it’s “in my head.” Other times, my symptoms worsened and I felt unheard because providers tried to tell me that it’s normal to have those symptoms with my diagnosis. After several doctor visits with different providers, many medications, and worsening symptoms, I decided to be my own advocate and write a chronological history of my symptoms, what medications I’ve tried, etc. and requested to be seen at the notorious Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. I am grateful that I was accepted for a second opinion. With my personal written chronological history and a list of questions, I finally left my appointment feeling heard and understood, and I was eventually properly diagnosed and presented with treatments and resources that had not been considered by other providers. Be your own advocate!

TED Talks Daily- The secret to making new friends as an adult

Friendship does not happen organically in adulthood. It is based on effort. In childhood, repeated unplanned interactions and shared vulnerabilities created friendship, which were easy in the school setting. These factors require more effort in adulthood.

Marisa G. Franco
  • Overcome covert avoidance, which is seeing people physically but checking out mentally. Show up and engage with people.
  • For friendship to happen, someone has to be brave and initiate conversation.
  • Having outside friendships is necessary for a healthy marriage and makes you more resilient through the difficulties of marriage.
  • Be vulnerable and assume people like you. For long-distance friendships and breaks in communication, assume people still want to connect but may be busy.
  • In-person connections tend to be stronger than virtual connections.
  • Find a group that meets around a hobby (hiking, meditation, book club, football, etc.). We tend to like people who are familiar to us. Ask members if they want to meet up before or after the group meets.

Our personalities are fundamentally a reflection of our experiences of connection or disconnection (coping mechanisms, friendly, open, cynical, aggressive, violent). How we have connected impacts who we are, and who we are impacts how we connect.

Marisa G. Franco
Jordan Harbinger Show- Death- Skeptical Sunday

The average funeral cost in the United States is over $11,000.

The rising cost of funerals leads to 88,000 bodies going unclaimed every year so that families won’t be on the hook for paying a bill.

funerals.org has helpful resources of your rights, ways to cut costs when planning a funeral, and funeral/burial requirements.

Some ways people cut costs:

  • Half of Americans choose to cremate to cut costs. Others proceed with immediate burial to eliminate the embalming process.
  • Shop around.
  • Purchase a casket online. Mortuaries are required to accept a casket from an outside vendor.
  • Plan a memorial service, where there is no need for embalming, refrigeration, a grave site, or a fancy casket.
  • Consider donating your body to a medical school for research.
  • Eliminate the vault. A vault made of concrete, steel, or lightweight fiberglass-type materials completely encloses the casket in the grave, while a less expensive concrete grave liner covers only the top and sides. No state or federal law requires the use of a burial vault, but most cemeteries do. The vault prevents the grave from sinking in after decomposition of the body and casket, making it easier to mow with heavy equipment.

Interesting facts:

  • There is no federal law mandating embalming. Some states require it. Most funeral homes have a policy that they won’t allow a viewing unless you embalm.
  • 4.3 million gallons of embalming fluid are used in the United States each year.

The strangest idea from this podcast was the concept of green burials: no embalming fluids, no concrete vaults, only biodegradable burial containers (a small box that disintegrates into the earth within 3-6 months/after 12 months, there is no evidence of your burial), hand dug graves, and no polished monuments.

When I first heard this, it gave me serial killer vibes! However, the podcast host mentioned that green burials result in you being part of the earth just like every animal who died throughout history.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

All About Sleep – Why We Sleep

amybenoit

“Why We Sleep” written by Matthew Walker, PhD was one of my top 20 books I read in 2022. Matthew Walker, PhD is a professor of neuroscience and psychology at UC Berkeley and director of its Sleep and Imaging Lab. He has published more than a hundred scientific studies. This book was PACKED with information, and I will share some of the research I found most fascinating.

Contrary to what most people believe, you cannot “catch up” on sleep by sleeping in on the weekends. It takes much longer, and consistent sleep is vital. Getting too little sleep across the adult life span significantly increases your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease and increases the risk of cancer development. Also, the less you sleep, the more you are likely to eat, and you increase your probability of gaining weight and developing Type 2 diabetes.

Poor sleep quality increases the risk of cancer development, and, if cancer is established, provides a virulent fertilizer for its rapid and more rampant growth.

Matthew Walker, PhD

Dolphins, whales, and some birds can sleep with half a brain at a time and remain alert with the other half! In flocks of birds, with the exception of the birds at the end of the line, the rest of the group will allow both halves of the brain to indulge in sleep, while the end of the line has 1/2 brain sleeping and 1/2 alert for threat detection! Wow!

We use the term “half-life” when discussing a drug’s efficacy (length of time it takes for the body to remove 50% of a drug’s concentration). Caffeine has an average half-life of 5-7 hours, so any caffeine after noon will impact your sleep!

Decaffeinated does NOT mean uncaffeinated. One cup of decaf usually contains 15-30% of the dose of a regular cup of coffee!

The different sleep stages play different roles in information processing. The wake state is focused on reception – experiencing and constantly learning the world around you. The NREM sleep state is focused on reflection – storing and strengthening those raw ingredients of new facts and skills. The REM state is focused on integration – interconnecting these raw ingredients with each other and with past experiences, resulting in innovative insights and problem-solving abilities.

Some signs of insufficient sleep include not being able to get up on time without an alarm, having to read and reread sentences at your computer, and having standard ADHD symptoms of irritableness, moodiness, being more distractable and unfocused during the day, and having mental health instability.

Vehicle accidents caused by drowsy driving exceed those caused by alcohol and drugs combined! Driving drowsy is worse than driving drunk in that being drunk results in late response times in braking and maneuvering, whereas falling asleep results in not reacting altogether.

5 key factors have powerfully changed how much and how well we sleep: constant electric light/LED light, regularized temperature, caffeine, alcohol, and a legacy of punching time cards. This book mentioned that Edina, MN schools were one of the first to experiment with shifting the start time and reported much higher scores on SATs. Other schools have reported better GPAs.

This book also briefly discussed some sleep disorders such as insomnia and narcolepsy. Fatal familial insomnia is a rare sleep disorder caused by a mutation on chromosome 20, which makes the protein insoluble. When it converts, the protein causes plaque to form in the thalamus, which is the region responsible for the regulation of sleep. Fatal familial insomnia has no treatments or cures! I did find it interesting that Prazosin, a medication used to treat high blood pressure, is used in the treatment of repetitive trauma nightmares.

Tips for better sleep:

  1. Stick to a sleep schedule. Wake up and go to bed at the same time each day, including weekends.
  2. Try to exercise at least 30 minutes on most days but not later than 2 or 3 hours before your bedtime.
  3. Avoid caffeine in the afternoons/evenings and avoid nicotine.
  4. Avoid alcoholic drinks before bed. Heavy alcohol ingestion robs you of REM sleep and disrupts your breathing at night.
  5. Avoid large meals and beverages late at night.
  6. If possible, avoid medications that delay or disrupt your sleep. Some commonly prescribed heart, blood pressure, and asthma medications, as well as some over-the-counter and herbal remedies for coughs, colds, and allergies can disrupt sleep patterns. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist if you are having trouble sleeping to see if any of your medications may be contributing.
  7. Don’t take naps after 3 p.m.
  8. Relax and unwind before bed. A relaxing routine, such as reading or listening to music, should be part of your nightly routine.
  9. Take a hot bath before bed. The drop in body temperature after getting out of the bath may help you feel sleepy.
  10. Your bedroom should be dark, cool, and gadget-free.
  11. Get sunlight exposure during the day. Daylight is key to regulating daily sleep patterns.
  12. Don’t lie in bed awake. If you can’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and do a relaxing activity until you feel sleepy. The anxiety of not being able to sleep can make it harder to fall asleep.

More information at: https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/good-nights-sleep

I learned SO much from this book, and I am just covering the tip of the iceberg. I definitely don’t currently practice all of the tips mentioned in this book, but I look forward to implementing some of them for better sleep and more energy!

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – February 9, 2023

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

36 Things I’ve Learned in 36 Years- Healthier Together Podcast

I learned a lot from this podcast! Here are some of the 36 things mentioned on the podcast:

Ask yourself if everything that you are doing in your life is because of what you’re being told to do by society/family/friends or if it’s something you want to do.

  • Eat a small salad before a meal to make it more blood-sugar friendly. This slows the absorbance of glucose in your bloodstream.
  • Listen to podcasts or watch tv only during a workout to make working out easier.

Clean out your social media feed to include only those that make you feel good or provide value to you. If you follow celebrities that make you want their lifestyles and make you fall into the comparison trap, stop following them out of respect for your mental health.

  • While the state of the world can make it scary to have kids, in reality, people have always lived through scary times. Having a child is an act of hope in making a better world, and you’ll get through it.
  • Brush your hair before you shower. You’ll distribute the conditioning oils from your scalp and there will be fewer tangles to get out after the shower. Get a wetbrush.

The best way to not be on your phone in bed is to plug it in in another room. If your phone isn’t there, you can’t reach for it.

  • You will probably not remember everything you want to for later. Write it down or make a note on your phone or use an app. I currently send text messages to myself when needed and leave them unread for some things I want to remember to do ASAP.
  • I learned about the concept of Sound Baths to relax. These are relaxing sounds, that, when combined with headphones, can help with depression and anxiety. The Insight Timer app Sound Baths were recommended in this podcast episode, but you can also find other sounds on YouTube by searching for “sound bath.”

If you don’t put the things that you value most like relationships or self-care on your to-do list or calendar, they’ll get lost in favor of things that you ostensibly value less. It’s easy to put your relationships after everything on your to-do list. Build them into your calendar.

Ways to Save Money on a Limited Budget or Low Income-Clever Girls Know Podcast

Housing:

  • Try downsizing, rent out a room to someone, or live with a roommate.
  • Try not to spend more than 30% of your income on housing. Move to a cheaper neighborhood.
  • Also consider utility costs and property taxes when making a decision about where to live.

Food:

  • Limit how much you are eating out. Be intentional about planning when you are going out to eat. Plan a day and plan it in your budget. It’s okay to decline invites to expensive restaurants with friends or make suggestions for other restaurants if needed.
  • Look at your pantry so you aren’t buying things you already have. Not every non-perishable item is a good bulk purchase. Only buy in bulk if you will definitely use the product in time.
  • Curbside pickup and delivery help curb impulse shopping.
  • Search the internet for recipes to make with ingredients you already have.
  • Buy fresh foods and avoid pre-cut pre-packaged fresh produce that has high markups.
  • Meal plan and prep. I like to do this one or two days a week, especially on a Sunday, so that I am prepared and don’t have to think about it after work each day.

Entertainment:

  • Find free or affordable entertainment. Ex: matinee movies, Groupon, free museums on certain days, etc.
  • Look into bundling services.
  • If you have cable, make sure you aren’t paying for tiers/channels you don’t need. If you have internet, make sure you aren’t paying for speeds you don’t need.
  • Cell phone services often provide options for free entertainment. Library cards also provide free entertainment. Inquire about these benefits at your local library.
  • Shop around for car insurance, cell phone plans, and cable/internet rates yearly.

Other tips:

  • Take care of your health. Take preventative measures through exercising and eating right. Eating healthy may be more expensive, but your health needs will be less expensive in the long-term.
  • Using a cash envelope system with pre-set budgets can create more mindful spending. You can use this for most categories or just those you struggle with most. Ex: groceries, eating out, or entertainment.
  • You can only cut back so much. Look at the life skills you have that you can use to generate more income. Don’t be embarrassed to work a part-time job to live the life you want to.
How Working As A Collections Agent Helped Paco Understand the Emotions People Have About Money- Clever Girls Know Podcast

This podcast was particularly interesting to me because I spent about six years working in the creditors’ rights legal industry. Prior to starting in that industry, I HATED talking about finances and tried to avoid it. However, after learning about the struggles people faced and different financial priorities and consequences, such as lawsuits, bank garnishments, and wage garnishments, I became determined to work three jobs and be frugal so that I could pay off my student loan debt early (in 3 years) and save for a wedding, better vehicle, and a downpayment for a house. Since then, it has been my goal to live debt-free as much as I can. Here are my take-aways from this episode:

When receiving collections calls, the top emotions people go through are embarrassment (forgetting about their payment or being seen as irresponsible), anger (co-signing and later regretting it), shame, and guilt. Asking people “Why are you late on your payment?” made the host experience emotions about money and gain empathy.

There are grace periods. Usually only payments that are late 30 days are reported to the credit bureaus. If you are late because of your income, work on fixing that and increasing your income instead of cutting back on expenses. Look into getting an extension or finding a program that can help you if needed. Sometimes people are caught in a repeating cycle that you can’t completely resolve, such as when people roll over car loans when trading in or getting another vehicle.

Your potential for change is limitless. You have the power to change your emotions about finances and meet your financial goals.

Chipotle: Steve Ells (2017)- How I Built This with Guy Raz

Chipotle holds a special place in my heart, as I worked at a very busy Chipotle part-time for three years, I often make Chipotle’s recipes of fajita veggies, cilantro lime rice, and guacamole, and I still consider Chipotle my favorite restaurant!

Steve Ells, the founder of Chipotle, went to culinary school. One day, he visited a taqueria and thought about opening his own taqueria to make enough money to open a fine dining restaurant. He wanted to open in Boulder, Colorado, but he couldn’t find a good location. He visited with a real estate broker and told him about his concept of an open kitchen, grilled meats, and fresh veggies and herbs on an assembly line, and he found an old building at University of Denver for about $80k in 1993 that needed renovations.

Steve wanted to be frugal. Table bases were made with pipes, the service counter was faced with barn metal, and he wanted stainless steel on top of plywood for tables. His idea was to have one restaurant as a cash cow to help support a full-scale restaurant.

He knew from his culinary experiences that he wanted to use chipotle peppers as an ingredient and that’s how he came up with the name Chipotle. He didn’t have recipes. Instead, he used techniques he learned in culinary school and emphasized tasting food after making it. He opened with a handful of people and had some friends work the line.

On opening day, sales were about $240. The turning point was in October 1993, when a restaurant reviewer for the Rocky Mountain news gave a glowing review, stating that “Chipotle is unlike any fast food you’ve had. Everything has depth, character, nuance, and layers of flavor.” This review resulted in a line out the door and ultimately the restaurant ran out of food. Chipotle could not keep up with the demand. Chipotle was profitable within the first few months.

Eventually Chipotle expanded nationwide and created a business plan. At one point, for seven years, McDonald’s owned a majority (92%) of Chipotle, but the businesses cut ties due to different priorities.

In October-November 2015, 52 people got sick with e-coli. Chipotle later developed safety practices such as blanching avocados, lemons, limes, and peppers.

Steve Ells acknowledged that he was lucky to have a father who could invest $85k into his first restaurant and lucky that McDonald’s was willing to invest. He was in the right place at the right time, although he emphasized that his plan failed in a sense because he wanted to be able to have one restaurant and walk away from it. Chipotle instead expanded so much that he didn’t take time off in the first year, and Chipotle now has over 2,600 locations! Steve Ells stepped away from Chipotle in 2020 and is now involved in real estate investments.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!