“We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter” was written by Celeste Headlee, a public radio host, and based on the wildly popular TED Talk with more than 10 million views. This book contained strategies for effective communication. Here are some of my favorite takeaways.

Our reliance on screens for communication is detracting and distracting from our engagement in real-time talk.

When communicating, explain what you want and what you expect and be honest. You first have to know what you want before you can express those expectations to someone else. Example: Are you looking to vent or to receive advice?

5 key strategies for a productive conversation:

Be curious. Assume that everyone has something to teach you. You already know what’s inside your own head. Open yourself to the surprise and discovery inherent in someone else’s perspective.
Check your bias. Consider how your thinking might be impacted if you’d been exposed to the same experiences.
Show respect. Listen to understand, not to endorse.
Stay the course. If a taboo topic comes up, don’t try to change the subject. Try to avoid getting frustrated and walking away. If you have nothing to say, just listen.
End well. Accept that you may not reach an agreement and that disagreement is okay.

Apologize. Apologizing acknowledges someone’s anger or sadness and validates feelings, drops their defensive posture and makes you no longer a threat, and prepares their brain to forgive.

Be there or go elsewhere. You must fully commit to a conversation or walk away. If you’re too distracted, admit that to both yourself and the other person. Be present or be gone. Don’t build your responses during your partner’s turn. Listen, be present, and put away your phone! Conversations require patience and focus.

The most effective method for learning to be present in conversation is meditation. Mindfulness meditation teaches you how to be aware of your body, your breathing, and your thoughts.

Think of conversations as a game of catch. Instead of shifting the conversation back to yourself, ask support questions that start with *who, what, where, when, why, and how.* Open-ended questions transfer control to the person responding.

Any time you enter a conversation, and especially when you are about to talk with someone who holds different beliefs than your own, ask yourself: What do you hope to get out of this exchange? What would you like to have happen at the end and how would you like to walk away from the other person? You can’t control what they take away from the conversation, but you can control what you get out of it.

Remember that everyone has something to teach you. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn.

Research shows that when we repeat something multiple times, it increases our chances of remembering it, but the benefit isn’t shared with the person listening. In fact, people are more likely to tune out after the first time you repeat something.

Just because someone doesn’t say “Yes, I hear and understand what you’re saying” doesn’t mean that he or she didn’t hear or understand you.

If you don’t know something, say “I don’t know.” These three words can strengthen the bond between you and another person and are a gateway to further exploration and growth.

Be aware of how you communicate. Don’t get into the weeds and give unnecessary details. Determine what information is essential and what is not. Don’t allow your random thoughts to derail the conversation.

4 ways to increase empathy: active listening, sharing in other people’s joys, looking for commonalities with others, and paying attention to faces.

The best way to understand people is to listen to them. Seek first to understand, then to respond.

This book was very informational and served as both a guide for new tips and gentle reminders for effective communication!

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – November 16, 2023

November 16, 2023November 16, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

The Mel Robbins Podcast – 6 Magic Words That Stop Anxiety & Overwhelm

I am an overthinker. I like to have a plan for everything, and I sometimes worry what might happen if that plan doesn’t work out. This podcast was helpful.

6 magic words that stop anxiety and overwhelm: “What if it all works out?”

It stops the spiral and considers you to think about the possibility of it working out.
We can’t control anything that’s happening outside of us, but we can control our reaction to it.
When we worry, the outcome is way better than we expected most of the time.

Your primary emotional response is your immediate action to having something bad happen, a fear of yours, or an expectation that you have. The secondary emotion that you feel is your emotional reaction to it. Ex: someone dies and your primary emotion is shock, but your secondary emotion is grief that can last a long time. You don’t have a lot of control of the primary emotion, but you can control the secondary emotion and the pain you cause yourself.

The pain of worrying, catastrophizing, and assuming the worst can impact your health, mindset, nervous system, attitude, and ability to experience more joy and fulfillment in your life.
When you worry, you experience the pain twice. You experience the anticipation of it and the aftermath of it. Anticipating it is often way worse than what happens/when it happens.
Worry and stress can cause physical pain: headaches, upset stomach, etc.

Money and Marriage Podcast – Six Money and Marriage Facts that Every Couple Should Know

It is normal for you and your spouse to have financial differences. We tend to attract our financial opposites: saver vs. spender, hands-on vs. hands-off, possessions vs. experiences.
Your spouse’s financial situation will impact your own. This comes up most often with debt. One spouse may have a lot of debt and one has little or no debt. It will impact you. Ex: retirement – If one of you is ready to retire and the other isn’t due to debts or not saving enough $. Do you have the same goals for retirement?

There is a right and wrong choice for you to make financially – always. The right choice for you to make as a couple may be different than what the right choice is for your friends. Ex: joint accounts, separate accounts, mine/yours/ours accounts
The statistics on money and marriage are real, but they are not inevitable. You can beat the statistics.

When making financial decisions, you need to spend some time looking in the rearview mirror, but you need to focus on looking forward and how to move forward. Marriage counseling/therapy tends to focus on the past. Understand the role of the rearview mirror. It should be used, but it would be a mistake to drive and only look in the rearview mirror the whole time; when driving, you mostly need to focus on looking forward.
Investing time into your marriage is the best investment you can make. The easiest way to lose half of your wealth is to get divorced.

Life Kit – The consequences of overindulging your kids

Spoiling – giving the kids everything they want
Overindulging – we give to our kids, whether or not it’s in our best interests. Parent has a need or discomfort they are wanting to alleviate.
- Material: consumerism; having too much of what looks good for too long or too often – “be grateful, not greedy”Relational: parents are doing things for their kids that their kids don’t need them to be doing – parents overstepping cause children to under-function
  - Ex: doing their laundry
- Structural: struggle to set rules or enforce rules consistently
  - Ex: having no limits, having rules that are inappropriate for your child’s age (too lenient), having rules that are not consistently enforced

The COVID-19 pandemic taught us that we need our kids to be self-sufficient, so many parents gave their children freedom, screens, and toys to entertain or distract them. Some parents overaccommodated.
Negative outcomes associated with overindulgence: overdependence on others, learned helplessness, being unable to achieve developmental tasks on time, defiance or disrespect for other people or things, difficulty delaying gratification, and not knowing when enough is enough

Test of 4 to determine if overindulgence is a problem:

Am I hindering my child from developmentally-appropriate tasks? Does this situation hinder the child from learning the tasks that support their development or learning at this age? Ex: packing my child’s lunch, cleaning their room for them, tying their shoes, etc. If yes, you are overindulging.

Am I giving them a disproportionate amount of family resources? Does this situation give a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more of the children (money, space, time, or attention)? If yes, you are overindulging.

Am I making choices that benefit me more than the child? Does this situation exist to benefit the adult more than the child? If you are giving more than you’re comfortable with in order to make yourself calm, you are overindulging.

Does the child’s behavior potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way? If you are allowing your child to do something that is harmful, disrespectful, defiant, breaking a rule, or infringing on someone else’s rights, that is a sign of overindulgence.

Identify the areas where you might be overindulging your kids (relational, material, or structural overindulgence). Ex: Start by saying no to extra screens. Figure out how to be comfortable in the discomfort of your kids not reacting favorably.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you set a rule or a limit, stick with it to develop trust.
Delay gratification. Teach your kids wants vs. needs so that they understand that you need to work hard for everything you have. Do a sticker chart or rewards chart to make them work for something; they may decide they don’t want it anymore. How hard are they willing to work for something?

Gradual exchange of power – instead of packing your kid’s lunches, slowly transfer this responsibility and effort to your child so that they can learn and start to feel more self-sufficient and capable and you feel more comfortable letting go of something you thought you needed to do.
Have consistency between both parents. Communicate, set boundaries and enforce them, and be on the same page so that the kids aren’t asking one parent who always give in.
Get more comfortable saying no early on. It’s important to give a child what they need, but it’s dangerous to give a child everything they want.

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/easy-to-work-with

I really enjoyed this post from Gabe the Bass Player this week:

Easy To Work With

November 14, 2023

It doesn’t mean you’re always happy or never rock the boat or always following the rules or just being super laid back all the time. Those things might encompass the ‘easy’ part.

But to be easy to WORK with…

It means you speak with clarity, show up prepared, take responsibility, make others better, embrace the long term vision as you take care of today’s details. And you show up on time.

Self Improvement Daily – You Can’t Or You Won’t?

The words we use are extremely powerful and provide deep insights into our internal world. When we use the word ‘can’t’ we don’t take ownership for whatever it is, leaving us with what’s leftover and choosing to have little say in the matter.

Many people complain that they ‘can’t’ do something, but the truth is that they’ve chosen to forfeit their own attempts at making it happen for themselves. It’s not that they can’t; it’s more often that they’re unwilling to endure the consequences, make the tradeoff, or accept the conditions that would make it happen. I struggle with this sometimes, too. I have dealt with all three of the scenarios below at some point in my life:

Examples:

“I can’t afford it” – This really means you’re unwilling to move to a cheaper apartment or house, change your lifestyle, or look at ways to increase your income.

“I can’t quit my job” – This really means that you’re unwilling to expose yourself to the possibility of not having a stable income and risk financial hardship, receiving criticism from others, and accepting the identity of being unemployed as you transition.

“I can’t set boundaries” or “I can’t say no” – This really means that you’re unwilling to put up with the pushback and emotions of others, and you’re unwilling to prioritize yourself over others.

You can do (almost) anything. The reason it doesn’t feel that way is because everything is a tradeoff. When you realize what you’re currently getting is what you’re currently choosing, you realize how quickly things can change.

Shift your thinking by shifting your language. When you want to say “I can’t”, instead say “I won’t”. It removes the power from your external circumstances and allows you to hold it yourself. You will feel empowered because you will realize that you’re choosing everything in your life, and you need to start making new decisions that better support you and the life you want to live.

One of the books I’ve read this past week is “The In-Between: Unforgettable encounters during life’s final moments” written by Hadley Vlahos, RN. This was a very compassionate and transformative book detailing experiences with her hospice patients and their deaths. You can follow Hadley on TikTok @nursehadley.

Here are some of the most surprising take-aways related to hospice from this book:

There is a surge of energy almost everyone gets before dying.
Some people choose their time of death in a sense, actively dying but not taking their last breath until they are surrounded by family.
Seeing deceased loved ones and/or increased confusion are both signs death is near. This is an expected step of a patient’s decline and is a medical phenomenon that commonly happens to people no matter what their spiritual beliefs are.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – November 9, 2023

November 9, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Living Daily – 10 Reasons You Would Benefit From Therapy

You feel betrayed by your romantic partner.
You feel betrayed by whatever success you have attained.
You feel betrayed by your job that has become uninteresting, stupid, and boring.
You feel betrayed by your coworkers and business associates who now seem to take more pleasure in your failures than your triumphs.
You feel betrayed by your body.
You feel betrayed by your health.
You feel betrayed by your government.
You feel betrayed by your friends and family members.
You feel betrayed by your parents for loving you conditionally.

On the cognitive level, a therapist can provide fresh perspectives and help you reframe your current situation so that you can either make immediate changes or accept your state of affairs.

This post from Seth’s Blog this week was a great reminder about setting higher expectations for those you trust:

The power of expectations

The power of expectations

“When we raise our expectations for a student, a friend or a co-worker, we open the door to possibility. We offer them dignity and a chance to grow. We are offering them trust.

But if we become attached to those expectations, if the expectation unmet leads us to distress or unhappiness, then that attachment undermines the very reason we created the expectation in the first place.”

Inside Out Money – Reflections on one year of early retirement

If you want an extraordinary life, you must build it. Noone is handing out extraordinary lives.

ON SUCCESSS:

In retirement, no one is measuring your success except for yourself. There won’t be an annual performance review.
New challenges can be projects and not a means to make money.

ON STRUCTURE:

“For your entire life, much of your life was dictated by some kind of authority or schedule you didn’t create. When we have full autonomy over our time, many of us find this disorienting.”
“I miss the structure work provided and the feeling of doing something productive and constructive, but I don’t miss work.” “I feel like I’m able to be myself more.”
“I feel less stressed from not working. With less stress, I am able to be more physically and emotionally present.”

ON STRESS:

“I still take on too much and burn myself out. These are personality traits.”
“I still find things to stress about and be anxious about. I still procrastinate more than I should. I still deal with analysis paralysis. These are part of my personality.”

ON TIME:

“I am still trying to figure out how to spend my time intentionally and what I want to do with my time.”
“I want to spend more time on myself and the things I want to do.“
“I have spent too much of my first year like I have spent the last twenty years. I am doing too much for other people and doing too much to feel accomplished.”

ON LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE:

“I need to make some very thoughtful and active changes to make the life I want to be living.”
Many people think that when they retire and have the time, they will be living their best life. Just having time alone is not going to fix that. You can fill your time with all kinds of things, but it takes deliberate work and action, and you must be intentional about using your time. Having more time will not automatically change you and change all of your bad habits or make you live your best life.

ON EXPENSES:

“Our expenses were more than expected our first year in early retirement due to travel and health insurance/health expenses.”
More time on your hands can easily result in spending more money. People sometimes spend more money when they are retired.
“Our overall net worth has increased since retiring last year due to investments performing well.”

Auto insurance:

liability insurance – covers you when you are responsible for others’ injuries or property damage that you cause with your car. It only pays up to maximum limits covered in your policy. You are responsible for paying the amount over the limit out of your own pocket.
Comprehensive and collision insurance – often come as a package deal – insurance pays to fix or replace your car after it’s damaged, even if the damage was your fault. Collision and comprehensive coverage often come with a deductible – the amount you pay before your insurance provides coverage. Ex: $500 to $2000
- Insurance companies only pay UP TO the fair-market value of your car. If you drive an older car and have plenty of cash on hand to repair or replace it if you have to, you probably don’t need to have comprehensive and collision insurance. However, lenders and lessors require you to have this coverage if you are financing your car.

Uninsured/underinsured motorist coverage – often a package deal – your insurance pays you for medical expenses or damage to property caused by a driver who is uninsured or underinsured. It’s like a reverse liability insurance.
- 20 states require drivers to have this coverage. Some estimates are that 1 out of 8 drivers don’t have insurance!
Outside what your state requires you to have, ask yourself: Can you afford to pay out of pocket if your car gets badly damaged or stolen? If not, consider collision and comprehensive coverage. Do you drive a lot/are the roads very busy? If so, the risk of getting in an accident is higher, so you will want liability and uninsured/underinsured motorist coverage. Who’s on your policy? If you have young drivers, get better coverage due to the risk of accidents.

If you buy the cheapest car insurance, you’re basically buying your state’s bare minimum coverage to drive. If you get in an accident, you will likely need to pay a lot of money to cover what your insurance doesn’t. Cost can really stack up in nightmare scenarios.
Car insurance can be expensive. The average cost of minimum coverage for a good driver with good credit is $57/month. Full-coverage insurance costs about $180/month, on average.

Car insurance rates have gone up 19% in the past year. Save money on insurance by shopping around. Only about ¼ of customers shop around at least once a year!
- Ask your insurance company about discounts. You can get discounts for being a good driver, paying a policy in full, not driving much, etc. You can also raise your deductible to save on costs. You just need to make sure you have the cash on hand to cover the deductible. Make sure you aren’t paying for coverage you don’t need; if you have an older car, you might be able to drop comprehensive and collision insurance. If you have several vehicles, you could drop rental car reimbursement coverage.
There are several different factors that go into pricing policies: your driving record, your age, where you live, your credit score, etc.

Home insurance:

dwelling coverage – typically pays for damages caused by sudden or accidental events only, not things that happened slowly over time or that you could have prevented through maintenance. Floods and earthquakes are often excluded from normal dwelling coverage unless you purchased those coverages.
Dwelling insurance matches the replacement cost of your home and attached structures – if you had to rebuild your home from scratch. Make sure your dwelling coverage is keeping up with inflation and rising building costs by checking with your insurance company from time to time. Also, keep them updated of any major renovations, such as a kitchen. For a more hands-off approach, you can add an inflation-guard to your policy to adjust your coverage automatically to keep up with inflation. Many people are underinsured and find out when it’s too late.

Personal property insurance – will pay to replace the stuff you own if it’s stolen or destroyed. Your belongings are typically covered only if you name them specifically in your policy! Your coverage may have special limits on items, such as jewelry and firearms.
Personal liability coverage – covers injuries on or off your property/damage you accidentally cause to someone’s stuff. Ex: if your dog bites someone, someone trips on your pool deck, etc. It only pays up to a certain limit, which you can increase or decrease.
Loss of use coverage – pays for living expenses if your home is unlivable and being repaired after a covered loss, like a fire. It pays for hotel expenses, food, storage costs, etc. It only pays for you to maintain your normal standard of living.

12% of Americans don’t have homeowners insurance! Homeowners insurance is required if you have a mortgage.
Insurance companies are losing money and increasing rates.

Shopping for car and home insurance can become fun to save money and compare rates. The internet makes things easier to compare rates, but when you compare rates, try to compare similar coverage amounts. If you don’t want to do the legwork yourself, you can use a broker. Some brokers require a small fee for their help.

One of the books I read in the past week is “101 Things I Learned in Culinary School” by Louis Eguaras with Matthew Frederick. Here are some of the most interesting things I learned. I will share more in a future blog post.

“Guests seek more from a dining experience than to satisfy their appetites: comfort, prestige, value, relaxation, artistry, social fun, or perhaps just a good place to watch the game. Be clear why customers choose your restaurant. Prioritize what they most need.”

Knife cuts:

School teaches you how to cook. Experience teaches you how to be a chef. A cook follows a recipe; a chef can intuitively modify a recipe. A cook knows how; a chef knows why.

A pepper’s name often changes when dried.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace

November 5, 2023 amybenoit

I read “The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace” written by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Paul E. White as part of a book club I am in. Dr. Gary Chapman is the #1 New York Times best-selling author of “The 5 Love Languages.” Dr. Paul E. White is a psychologist, author, speaker, and consultant who helps make work relationships work. This book was very intuitive and fascinating!

The number one factor in job satisfaction is not the amount of pay but whether or not the individual feels appreciated and valued for the work they do.

The reality is that what makes one person feel appreciated does not make another person feel appreciated. For recognition and appreciation to be effective, they must be individualized and delivered personally. Appreciation needs to be viewed as valuable to the recipient in order to have an impact. Employees are more likely to “burn out” when they do not feel appreciated or emotionally supported by their supervisors or colleagues.

The greatest need of a human being is psychological survival, to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.

The 5 languages of appreciation in the workplace are:

Words of affirmation
Quality time
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
(Appropriate) physical touch

Words of affirmation (my #1 preferred language of appreciation):

Praise typically focuses on a specific task. Praise can also focus on verbally affirming positive character traits.
Common settings for words of affirmation: personal, one-on-one, praise in front of others, written affirmation, public affirmation
You can show words of affirmation by sending an e-mail with kudos, telling others about the good job someone is doing, giving a specific compliment, writing a handwritten note of appreciation, or giving encouragement.
Be aware that some people dislike public recognition!

Quality time:

Can consist of quality conversation, shared experiences, small group dialogue, or working in close proximity with coworkers
Because you have listened to them, they will also listen to you
Working closely with others can make work feel more valuable.
Ideas for quality time: go to lunch together, check in with people to see how they are doing, take a walk together, or get together for a sporting or social event.

Acts of service:

“Don’t tell me you care; show me”
Ask before you help, and if you’re going to help, do it their way. Clarify how they want it done.
Serve voluntarily, check your attitude (don’t complain), and complete what you start.

Receiving gifts:

You need to give gifts primarily to those individuals who appreciate them.
You must give a thoughtful gift that the person values. Ask questions about their interests (sports, restaurants, spa, theatre, etc.). Giving a coffee mug or pen with the company logo on it will not make the person feel valued.

Appropriate physical touch:

Appropriate physical touch may include handshakes, fist bumps, high fives, or pats on the back.

The question is not “Do you appreciate your coworkers?” The real question is “Do they feel appreciated?”

To figure out others’ language of appreciation, observe their behaviors, observe what they request of others, and listen to their complaints. The things about which an individual complains may reveal their primary appreciation language.

Another way to figure out others’ language of appreciation is to have them take the Motivating by Appreciation (MBA) Inventory.

Cues that your colleagues need to feel appreciated: discouragement, irritability and resistance, increased absenteeism and tardiness, cynicism and sarcasm, apathy and passivity, social withdrawal, and a negative work environment.

Be aware of your potential blind spot. The language of appreciation least valued by you will seldom be spoken. When a colleague’s least important language of appreciation is words of affirmation, no matter how much you praise them, it misses the mark.

One of the most common reasons we lack appreciation for coworkers is that we have unrealistic expectations of them. Don’t let differences influence you. In the work setting, the question is “Are they performing their job in a satisfactory manner?” If not, consider personal problems at home, inadequate training, or a lack of feedback/review/correction.

While recognition focuses primarily on performance or achievement, appreciation focuses on the value of the individual employee. Isn’t there a place for appreciation even when someone messes up?

Volunteering:

Low job satisfaction increases job turnover, turnover affects the quality of services delivered, and volunteers are more likely to quit because their efforts go unrecognized.
Many volunteers report the main reason they quit is a sense of isolation and lack of support from others.
People continue to volunteer to make a difference, socialize, and receive positive feedback.
Volunteers need input and perspective from their supervisors in order to understand the impact they’re truly having.

When a person receives an adequate supply of their primary language of appreciation, the secondary language may then become more important. It is reasonable to expect that an individual’s preferred language of appreciation may vary significantly over time in response to different life events, life stages, and the individuals with whom they are interacting.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – November 2, 2023

November 2, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

SHE with Jordan Lee Dooley – A Candid Conversation About Foster Care and Adoption

Adoption is often perceived as a last resort only for those struggling with infertility. Adoption can be Plan A for you!
Adoption is a calling. It is not an obligatory ministry for the infertile.
Open adoption was discussed. In open adoption, you can keep in touch with the biological parent(s). Some view this as “not trying to erase the relationship with the biological parents.”

Misconceptions about adoption:

People saying “Congratulations” on adoption.
- It is well-intended, but also shattering having someone else’s child not being held by her. It is better to acknowledge the emotions by saying “This is heavy. How are you doing?” “How’s mom doing? I can only imagine how hard this is for her.”
“I could never do that because I’d get too attached, I can never do that because of xyz, etc.”
- We prioritize our comfort. Instead of saying “I could never…”, ask what you can do to help. Put yourself into the role to understand their story.
“He/she/they are so lucky to have you.”
- Adoption is not “rescuing.” We don’t adopt because we are rescuers; we adopt because we are rescued. We are the blessed ones. Stating “they are so lucky to have you” discredits the reality that there is a trauma, separation, and grief that happens. What would the child think if he/she heard that statement?

The people outside the realm of foster care and adoption don’t understand that there are so many emotions. We are often told to focus on the positive, but there are so many emotions.
You don’t need to share your adopted child’s story. Their story deserves to be protected until they are ready to tell it. When you are sharing your experience, ensure you are only sharing your experience. Protect and guard the things that are not your experience and are not yours to share. Don’t share at your child’s expense.

Further reading recommended in this podcast:

“The boy who was raised as a dog”
“The body keeps the score”
“The A to Z of trauma”
“The Primal Wound”

How to Be Awesome at Your Job – Mastering the Four Conversations that Transform all Your Interactions

Storytelling – your stories are not the truth.
Collaboration – seek to understand and ask questions. Absorb other perspectives.
Creative – trust your intuition and co-create with others.
Commitment – action conversation – agree to do something together.

Become aware that your stories aren’t the truth. Become aware of how you’re presenting yourself and how you’re presenting your stories. We all have patterns around judging, being perfectionists, and being critical of how others do things. Instead of a reaction or pattern of defensiveness, we can change that. If we believe we have the answer and we are right, we are telling the story with a closed fist. Emotions and desires are often the root of our story. Standards – investigate the source of your standards and consider whether you want to keep them. Ex: men being taught not to show their emotions

In the past week, I have faced some challenging circumstances in various areas of my life, and I was feeling stressed and sad about the uncertainties. This carried over into my work life and I had formed a thought/perception about something and later used other observations to strengthen that narrative I had. After a conversation, I recognized that my thoughts are not facts and that my emotions from my other circumstances influenced my thoughts. In reality, once we form a perception about something, we often try to find anything we can to fit that narrative, no matter how unreasonable it may be.

When we work with different people, everyone has different stories/perspectives. The fundamental pattern is that when we enter into conversation, we enter in defensively because we want our answer to be right. The real art of the collaborative conversation is learning to not give up your position, but to keep an open mind and invite others to do the same.
Ask questions to better understand other perspectives rather than asking questions with the intent to prove them wrong. The best place to start is to state what you know to be factual. Figure out if you agree on the state of things and then ask each other questions about thoughts.

Judgment shuts things down – saying things like “that will never work.”
Useful phrase: “Help me understand your position.”
Unhelpful phrases/actions: Not asking questions or saying “yes, but I think…” Work on being a learner instead of a knower.

We like to tell our stories and we like to take action. We leap from storytelling to action and bypass collaboration and creative conversations. The bypass can cause us to make bad decisions. A good commitment conversation means both sides understand what’s being asked, what’s being promised, and what success looks like.
Be curious about your pattern and how to change that pattern.

Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin – 7 Boundary Mistakes That Damage Relationships

Setting a boundary can be the kindest thing you can do to yourself and others.
A boundary is a rule that you set about how you’re going to allow other people to treat you. You’re really setting the rule for yourself. There are different kinds of boundaries: physical, emotional, financial, etc. Boundaries teach other people how you expect to be treated.

Mistakes:

not setting boundaries in the first place
- Sometimes it doesn’t occur to people to set boundaries because they don’t want to be mean or selfish. They don’t set boundaries because they don’t want to damage a relationship. If you don’t set a boundary, the other person has to guess what you’re okay with, and when they guess wrong, you might feel uncomfortable or grow resentful of their behavior. A boundary will help you feel better in the long term.

apologizing for your boundaries
- Don’t be sorry for taking care of yourself. Setting a boundary is a nice thing to do and you are modeling how to take care of yourself. Instead of apologizing, say thank you instead. Instead of “I’m sorry I have to leave right now” say “Thank you for inviting me. I appreciate it.” Unapologetically insist that you’re worth it.

automatically announcing your boundaries
- It’s true in some respects, but you don’t always have to communicate them with your words. Instead, you can show people your boundaries. Ex: don’t need to answer the phone every time it rings if it is inconvenient for you, don’t need to stay at a party if people are drinking too much

using boundaries to try to control someone else
- Boundaries are meant to help you manage your life, not to control somebody else’s. If you are going to set a boundary, make sure it’s about protecting your inner peace, not about forcing someone else to change.

being too rigid with your boundaries
- It’s important to have boundaries, but having too many boundaries or sticking to them at all costs isn’t healthy either. Healthy relationships need compassion, empathy, and compromise. Your boundaries can be flexible sometimes; there may be exceptions to the rule. Don’t be so rigid about them that they become detrimental to you.

setting boundaries when you feel really emotional
- When your emotions are high (if you’re angry or anxious), don’t set a boundary. Wait until you’re calm. Boundaries are rarely an emergency; you can usually wait to set them until you’re calm.
setting a boundary that you can’t uphold
- Don’t set a boundary you aren’t emotionally ready to uphold. Start with a boundary you’re ready to enforce. Most boundaries can be taken one small step at a time if you aren’t emotionally ready to enforce a bigger one.

Our Daily Bread Podcast – Smartphone Compassion

“Was the driver late with your food? You can use your phone to give him a one-star rating. Did the shopkeeper treat you curtly? You can write her a critical review. While smartphones enable us to shop, keep up with friends, and more, they have also given us the power to publicly rate each other. And this can be a problem.

Rating each other this way is problematic because judgments can be made without context. The driver gets rated poorly for a late delivery due to circumstances out of his control. The shopkeeper gets a negative review when she’d been up all night with a sick child. How can we avoid rating others unfairly like this?

By imitating God’s character. In Exodus 34:6–7, God describes Himself as “compassionate and gracious”—meaning He wouldn’t judge our failures without context; “slow to anger”—meaning He wouldn’t post a negative review after one bad experience; “abounding in love”—meaning His correctives are for our good, not to get revenge; and “forgiving [of] sin”—meaning our lives don’t have to be defined by our one-star days. Since God’s character is to be the basis of ours (Matthew 6:33), we can avoid the harshness smartphones enable by using ours as He would.

In the online age, we can all rate others harshly. May the Holy Spirit empower us to bring a little compassion today.”

This podcast was a great reminder to treat others with compassion and to not be so quick to judgment.

While reading a book comprising of legal-based short stories in the past week, I learned about viatical settlements, which are an interesting concept.

Viatical settlements involve selling a life insurance policy to investors so that they get the death benefit when you die, and you get a check right now. These are generally done when someone has a terminal illness and a life expectancy of two years or less. This is certainly an interesting concept and I am unsure what I think of it.

This week I also read “101 Things I Learned in Law School” written by Vibeke Norgaard Martin with Matthew Frederick. This book was very interesting and I will post about it in more depth in a separate post at some point. Here are some of the most interesting facts:

A marijuana-related business may not declare bankruptcy. Cannabis cultivation and sale are permitted by some states but are prohibited by federal law, while bankruptcy proceedings are governed by federal law. The federal bankruptcy courts will not allow a cannabis-related business to use its process.
Unpublished court decisions generally cannot be used as a basis for argument in the same jurisdiction. In arguing before a California court, one may cite an unpublished case from Texas, but not an unpublished case from California.
A supreme court might be the lowest court. In New York, the highest court is the Court of Appeals, while the lowest court is the Supreme Court.
A career in law is continual preparation for a day that may never come. Over 90% of cases are resolved prior to trial.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts

Thoughtful Thursday – October 26, 2023

October 26, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Fit, Healthy & Happy Podcast – 7 Tips to Naturally Increase Energy Levels

Aim to do more of what inspires you.
Get adequate sleep (7-9 hours) and manage stress. Stick to a consistent sleep schedule by going to bed and waking up at the same time every day.
Optimize your routine with better habits. Try to get fresh air outside right away in the morning.
Engage in regular physical exercise.
Eat a balanced diet. A diet of heavy, fast food can make you more tired. Lighter, healthier meals will make you feel more energized. Protein helps provide energy.
Do a mid-day energy boost activity. Ex: walk during lunch.
Spend 15-60 minutes getting inspired each day. Ex: audio books, podcasts, books, motivational videos

Taking Vitamin D supplements if you are deficient in Vitamin D can also increase your energy levels!

The Liz Moody Podcast – The 5 Habits That Have Changed My Life The Most

Note: These are habits that changed Liz’s life the most. With that said, “my” refers to Liz, not me.

Focusing on the base of the pyramid – create a mental health checklist. 5 things that make up the base for our mental health: social connection, good nutrition, routine, sleep, and movement. If you find yourself struggling with your mental health, go through the five habits and see if you have been missing one or more of them and focus on all five.

Adding my personal goals to my calendar/blocking out time for my relationships and the things I want to do, not just work and social obligations. Ex: exercise, reading, self-care, time to catch up with friends, etc. I want to start implementing this one!

Reevaluating relationship with alcohol – we are already the person alcohol is making us. All alcohol does is lower our inhibition so that we let that person come out. We are already witty/charming/a dancer/a conversationalist, etc. The alcohol just lets you silence your inner critic. Not drinking has helped her sleep, anxiety, relationships, and energy levels.
Keeping promises to myself – self-love is dependent on self-trust, and self-trust is created by keeping the promises we make to ourselves. If you say you’re going to exercise, exercise. If you say you’re going to set boundaries, set boundaries. If you say you’re going to finish a project, do it. Stop setting yourself up to fail. Do whatever you say you’re going to do, even if it lets others down. Stop spending years letting yourself down.

Thinking about my death – gives me perspective about what I do and don’t want to spend my time on, puts my relationship with social media in check, snaps me out of arguments with others, makes me call my loved ones, read, ask good questions, travel, put my phone away, take risks, clarifies the people I want to spend time with, and helps me work out and eat things that fuel my body. The next time you are faced with a problem, challenge, anxiety, or stressor, think about the you on your death bed. What choice will they be happy you made? What would they want you to let go of? How do they wish you would spend your days now? The answers are unique to you and are guiding.

I am looking forward to reading Liz’s new book: 100 Ways to Change Your Life.

Rich Habits Podcast – Money Hacks for Marriage

Buy a duplex, triplex, or quadplex before you get married. Have your partner do the same for at least a year before marriage. Live in it for one year, get an FHA loan, and save all of the downpayment money. I haven’t heard of this tip and it surprised me.
Pay off high-interest consumer debt.
Have a pre-nup conversation before getting engaged to help you flush out your partner’s beliefs and expectations. Most marriages end due to financial differences.

This post from Seth’s Blog really resonated with me:

It could have easily gone the other way

“It could have easily gone the other way

It could have been way better. It could have been far worse. It’s easy to imagine that outcomes are inevitable, but they’re not.

Was it your fault, or was it luck (good or bad)?

If our story of the past is filled with second guesses, shame or blame, it can carry forward. Or perhaps we’ve over-sold ourselves on just how talented, hardworking and insightful we are, when in fact, we sort of got lucky.

When we rewrite our narrative of the past, we end up creating a different future.

We have more control over that narrative than we give ourselves credit for.”

I wanted to share snippets from three books I finished recently. I will expand on some of these more in their own blog posts at a later date.

“You Are Not a Before Picture” was written by Alex Light and was fascinating, educational, and covered a history of diet culture, symptoms of chronic dieters, intuitive eating tips, intuitive movement tips, and body image. I will cover this book in greater length on my blog sometime. Top tips for now:

How you look is the least interesting thing about you. Anytime we base our happiness on an external measure of worth, the reward will only ever be temporary. If your body confidence comes from liking how you look, it will rise and fall with every nice or negative comment, every acceptance or rejection, every good or bad photo, and every physical or mental fluctuation.

If you want a healthy relationship with food, you need to learn how to nourish your body by knowing when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat and recognize your emotional triggers to eating. You also need to fix your relationship with your body image and challenge your beliefs about your weight and value in the world.

I highly recommended this book!!

“Read This Before Our Next Meeting” was written by Al Pittampalli, the founder of the Modern Meeting Company, which has helped organizations hold more effective meetings. This book was direct and to the point.

In sum, only after you’ve reached a preliminary decision can you call a meeting. Meetings have two primary functions: conflict and coordination. Meetings should move fast and end on schedule. Only people who are critical to the outcome should attend, and an agenda should be prepared and distributed ahead of time. Meetings should include brainstorming and result in committed action plans. Meetings should not be purely informational. Memos can be sent instead.

“101 Things I Learned in Business School” was written by Michael W. Preis and Matthew Frederick and included a variety of interesting facts and great advice. I’ll post more about this book on my blog sometime, but here are two of my favorite points:

Good, fast, or cheap: pick two. Quality, price, or service: pick two. You don’t often get all three.

It’s vital to know the costs of bringing a product or service to the customer and also the competition’s pricing, but best to set a price based on the customers’ perception of value. Set prices accordingly to what the customer will pay.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – October 12, 2023

October 12, 2023October 12, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

The Mel Robbins Podcast – If You Only Listen to One Podcast Today, Make It This One

Your life is a melting ice cube. We all believe that we have time, that at some point it will be the right time, that some day we will feel ready, that some day it will be perfect, but TODAY is that someday. You will waste your whole life waiting for someday to come. Your excuses are endless, but time isn’t.
Stop waiting. Stop wishing. Stop waiting for the right time, waiting for you to feel ready, waiting for this or that to happen, etc.
Make a commitment to yourself that you will get started with your goals and dreams.

How many times have you looked back on your life and thought “I wish I had started sooner, I wish I had done this thing, I wish I had done that thing.” The biggest regret you will ever have in your life is that you didn’t push through the fear and self-doubt to get started on the dreams you had and the life you wanted to create.

Time and energy are the most important. Pay attention to where you are putting your time and energy. Don’t use your energy on people who are draining your energy. How much time and energy are you putting into doing things that you don’t want to be doing instead of carving out and fighting for small amounts of time and energy to propel yourself forward? Working on your dreams and taking what you want in life seriously enough that you do the work to make it a reality is the greatest act of love that you could ever give to yourself.
Life is one long road trip. Every year of your life is a mile marker on your road of life. The road trip is a solo journey. You are driving alone. You control your life. Everybody else is driving their own car on their own solo journey. When you realize that the only person that is truly judging you right now and get out of your own way, it can spark a fire in your gut.

Acknowledge the thing that is on your list and in your heart. Take responsibility for doing whatever you can however you are capable to move toward it. Get serious about looking ahead instead of looking back.
Start directing your time and energy at the things that you want. Stop waiting to create what you want in your life.
Let today be the day that you get started. You can find 5-15 minutes per day to start chipping away and doing the work to figure out how to make some version of what you want a reality in your life.

Where you put your time and energy every single day will define the life you create.

You can change your life by waking up every day, being very clear about what you want, taking responsibility for creating it, and slowly redirecting your time and energy toward the things that you want. The more you direct your time and energy toward the things you want to create in your life and the relationships that give you energy back, you will be feeling and creating more love for yourself. Creating love from within can drive your life forward.
If you work at it, one day, you will wake up, that dream that you’ve been writing on your list year after year, will stop being a thing that you think about, and it will become what your life is centered around. You’re the one that made it happen day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. What action are you going to take today? Make today that someday that you’ve been waiting for.

Eight Frugal Minutes – 5 Sneaky Ways to Save Money During the Week

Use cash-back apps for groceries and gas (Upside, Ibotta, Fetch, etc.)
Cook one new recipe each week so that you don’t eat out and so that you have fun trying something new.
Make your own coffee or tea.
Get movies and books from your local library instead of purchasing them.
Buy makeup from the drugstore instead of buying high-end brands.
Browse the clearance bins at your local grocer.
Walk or take public transportation instead of driving.

15 Best Cash Back Apps to Earn Rewards in 2024

Focus on Marriage Podcast – Listening Before Criticizing

Ask two consecutive questions, such as “how was your day?” and then a follow-up question to make your spouse feel special and valued.
A major prediction for unhappiness, separation, and divorce is criticism, where one spouse is critical and complaining all the time. They’re never satisfied and are perfectionistic.
When criticism decreases, couples are more likely to connect and offer their hearts.
When you stop criticizing and focus instead on what your spouse is doing, how your spouse is showing up, and what you value about your spouse, you will start listening better and have a better connection.
Listen to each other without criticizing.

The Journal – The Twinkie: From Bankruptcy to Billions

Twinkies have been on store shelves since 1930! Originally the price was 2 twinkies for 5 cents.
The creator, James Dewar, passed a billboard for Twinkle Toes Shoes and shortened that into Twinkies. He thought it would be a fun name for kids.

James Dewar was already making cupcakes and other pastries under the Hostess brand. In his first version of the Twinkie, he used a banana filling because bananas were easy to find year-round. During World War 2, bananas were rationed, so he replaced them with a vanilla filling, which stuck around.
They were particularly popular with kids and often put in their school lunch boxes.
Dewar himself ate several Twinkies each day until he died at age 88.

Hostess started struggling in the 1990s as consumers grew more health-conscious (low-carb and low-calorie diets). By 2004, the parent company was deeply in debt and declared bankruptcy. In 2009, a private equity firm saved the company by buying its assets for 130 million dollars. Salvation didn’t last long, and they wound up filing for bankruptcy again in 2012.
Through the first bankruptcy, people could still buy Twinkies at the store. After the second bankruptcy, Hostess stopped making Twinkies. In 2012, consumers frenzied to get what could be their last boxes of Twinkies.
Two private equity firms acquired a slew of Hostess snacks for 400 million dollars. They had fewer factories and employees. Twinkies returned to supermarkets in 2013. The shelf life was only 26 days. Hostess later used an enzyme that controlled the moisture in food and helped prevent it from molding, which extended the shelf life to 65 days.

The COVID-19 pandemic was huge for Hostess. People were staying home and snacking more.
Hostess sold itself to Smucker in a 5.6 billion dollar deal in September 2023.

I’ve read two books in the past week:

“Poached: Inside the Dark World of Wildlife Trafficking” was written by Rachel Love Nuwer, an award-winning science journalist who regularly contributes to the New York Times, National Geographic, and other publications. This book was disturbing, intriguing, and educational, and Rachel’s investigative reporting took her across a dozen countries, where she explored the forces driving demand for animals and their parts, the toll that demand is causing, and those who believe it is not too late to stop the impending extinctions. Here are a few key points:

More than 1,000 rhinos are killed for their horns each year.🦏 There are more tigers in captivity than the wild, many of which are raised for their body parts and meat like cattle. 🐅 Pangolins have become the world’s most trafficked animal, and nearly 500 prescriptions in traditional Chinese medicine call for pangolin scales, skin, meat, or blood, despite little evidence of any medicinal value! Elephant tusks are often sought for ivory, and bears are sought for their bile.

Around 1,500 animals are included in the traditional Chinese medicine pharmacopeia, and of the 112 most commonly used species, 22% are endangered!

Wildlife crime is typically a pyramid-shaped hierarchy: poachers form the base, followed by local/national/international couriers/buyers/exporters, then the consumers at the very top. Many poachers argue that “when the buying stops, the killing can too.” Overall, sanctions and legislation are not enough, and they are rarely enforced for wildlife crime!

“Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life” was written by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles. The authors interviewed the residents of Okinawa, Japan, the village with the highest percentage of 100-year-olds. I learned SO much, but here are their main findings of traits that promote longevity:

Find your ikigai – your reason for living – the place where passion, mission, vocation, and profession intersect. Having a clearly defined ikigai brings satisfaction, happiness, and meaning to our lives. Be resilient, have a positive attitude, and manage your emotions.

The keys to longevity are diet, exercise/movement, finding a purpose in life (an ikigai), and forming strong social ties. The Okinawan diet is rich in tofu, sweet potatoes, fish, vegetables, antioxidants, and rice. Stop eating when you feel 80% full/almost full but you could eat more! Those who live the longest aren’t those who do the most exercise, but those who move the most. Nurture your friendships every day. Find your flow, keep your mind busy, and try to learn something every day.

Be mindful about reducing stress, participate in social or leisurely activities, get 7-9 hours of sleep, limit junk food, don’t worry, live an unhurried life, be optimistic, and cultivate good daily habits.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Book review posts, Uncategorized

Life Lessons from “God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours”

October 8, 2023 amybenoit

“God Never Blinks: 50 Lessons for Life’s Little Detours” was written by Regina Brett, and most of these essays originally appeared in the Plain Dealer (Cleveland) or the Beacon Journal. The author always thought that God must have blinked when she arrived because she ended up confused by nuns at age 6, became a lost soul who drank too much at 16, an unwed mother at 21, a college graduate at 30, a single mother for 18 years, a wife at 40, and got cancer at 41. Here are some of my favorite lessons from the book:

Reframe your mindset. Instead of saying you “have to,” say you “get to.” “I get to go to work today.” “I get to get groceries.”

No one else is in charge of your happiness. You are the CEO of your joy. It takes work to rewire your thoughts about yourself, but when you do, everything in your life changes for the better, especially your most intimate relationships. Get up, dress up, and show up. Do the best you can do today.

Living an abundant life doesn’t mean winning the lottery, marrying rich, or getting a raise. It starts with a raise in consciousness and spreads from there. It starts with knowing that what you want isn’t always what you need and often isn’t what you truly want. It starts with making smart choices that lead to long-term gratification.

When an argument has reached an impasse, get comfortable with saying “You aren’t going to convince me and I’m not going to convince you, so let’s agree to disagree.”

“How will I ever believe that I am good enough?” – By helping others believe that they are good enough.

Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful, or joyful. Decluttering forces you to let go of the past and creates an opening for the future. When you finally let go of the person you used to be, you get to discover the person you are now and the person you want to become.

Ground rules for relationships – use the mnemonic SAFE:

Secret – can the relationship pass public scrutiny? If a relationship has to be kept a secret, you don’t belong in it.
Abusive – does it harm or degrade you or your children in any way?
Feelings – are you in the relationship to avoid painful feelings? Is it a mood-altering relationship?
Empty – is it empty of caring and commitment?

Stay away from unavailable people, keep no secrets, beware of addictions, be the real deal, tell the world what you want in a partner, ignore the wrapper (a tender heart will outlive the washboard tummy), and create a greater you.

How not to write (the condensed version): wait until you have children, wait until they go off to college, wait until you have two hours of uninterrupted time to write, wait until you retire, wait until a doctor says you have six months to live, then die with your words still inside of you.

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Go for it. This one is up to you.

3 simple steps can change your life:

Choose something you need to say no to – no to an unhealthy relationship, projects that don’t need to be done by you, people who ask you to donate your time and talent to one more committee or commitment.
Choose one things you need and want to say yes to. Say yes to what enhances your life and the world around you.
Share those two things – the yes and no – with your biggest cheerleader.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. You already gave it to yourself. You don’t ask, you don’t get.

A 40th birthday gift idea for a spouse was to gather 40 letters/cards about how he/she impacted their lives. Too often we don’t hear what we mean to others until it is too late. If you keep your friends high on the priority list, even if you lose your health, you’ll still have what matters most. Your job won’t take care of you when you’re sick, but your friends will. Stay in touch with them.

Read the Psalms. No matter what your faith, they cover every human emotion. They offer praises as well as curses, consolation, desolation, boasts of strength, and cries of weakness and also reveal the many faces of God: powerful rock, shepherd, companion, comforter, provider, host, creator, judge, advocate, and deliverer.

Have a personal mission statement. The author’s personal mission statement is the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – October 5, 2023

October 5, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

The Mel Robbins Podcast – The Best Advice I Ever Heard

When it comes to getting things done, momentum is more important than motivation. The problem with motivation is that you won’t always feel motivated. Use 5% momentum to do 5% of the task instead of waiting until you have 100% momentum to do everything. Once you get started, you may be motivated to finish it.
Give yourself self-compassion. Shame is arresting; self-compassion is motivating. First address how you are speaking to yourself. Don’t get overwhelmed and down on yourself for all of the tasks you still need to do. Allow yourself to process your emotions and remember you are allowed to be human. You aren’t perfect. Shame causes paralysis; you won’t get the tasks done.
Get rid of the things that are too small that you’ll never fit into again but that you keep telling yourself “one day.” Your body is not meant to fit into clothes. Clothes are meant to fit your body.

People get pets and they are behavior-prone, yappy, flea-infested, etc. and we still decide to care for them and believe they are worthy. Yet, we don’t show that care to ourselves.
Think of rest as a right, not a reward. We often get the message that rest and recreation are a reward for productivity. You don’t need to get your entire to-do list done before you give yourself time to relax.
People who rest in shame work in shame. If you sit down, you shouldn’t be thinking about all of the things you should be doing. This causes overwhelm and burnout.

Paper plates – “You can’t save the rainforest if you’re depressed.” It’s better to take shortcuts now to get you back to being a functional human being where you can actually have the energy and capacity to contribute to causes in a way that matters.
Everyone deserves to clock out of home labor and out-of-house labor.
Let go of perfectionism.

Photo From how to keep house while drowning, by KC Davis.

When expectations aren’t met with household chores, do you go right to accusations or do you give your partner grace?

Life Kit – The new rules of laundry

Wash your clothes in warm water. This activates laundry soap and detergent faster, so you don’t have to use as much detergent.
Use your washer’s express cycle.
Instead of dry-cleaning wool, silk, lined, or other delicate clothes, place them in mesh bags to keep them from rubbing against each other.
Air dry your clothes as much as possible. I try to air dry workout pants, jeans, compression stockings, sweaters, and dresses.
Use dryer balls to cut down on drying time. Only put your clothes in the dryer for as long as they need to get dry.
To get rid of odors and extend the life of your clothes before you wash them, try spritzing them with vodka. It nixes orders and dries odorless and colorless. I hadn’t heard of this tip before!

The Journal – The Billionaire Keeping TikTok on Your Phone

TikTok says it doesn’t share user data with China.
TikTok has 150 million users in the United States.
TikTok is owned by Byte Dance. Byte Dance is not owned or controlled by the Chinese government. It’s a private company, and 60% of the company is owned by global institutional investors.
Back in 2012, before TikTok was even created, Byte Dance got money from a U.S. investment firm founded by a man named Jeff Yaz. Jeff is one of the richest people in America and runs a financial firm that trades stock options and other securities, and he is a libertarian. He is also one of the biggest political donors in the country.
Jeff’s firm, Susquehanna, owns 15% of Tik Tok’s parent company. Based on a recent valuation, that could be a stake worth more than $40 billion.

TikTok launched in 2016 and is China’s most successful tech export. In 2019, some senators raised concerns about TikTok’s Chinese ownership. TikTok has always rejected the accusation that it shares American user data with the Chinese.
In 2020, President Trump tried to ban downloads of TikTok. Two judges said President Trump overstepped his authority. President Biden came in and was concerned about TikTok’s national security risk.
In 2022, Congress passed a bill that prohibits the downloading of TikTok on most federal government devices.

There has been a bipartisan effort to ban TikTok in the U.S.
None of the bills banning TikTok passed. Senator Rand Paul spoke out in favor of TikTok due to the Bill of Rights/freedom of speech. One of Rand Paul’s largest donors is Jeff Yaz, the investor in TikTok. He and his wife have given Senator Rand Paul $24 million over the past decade, either directly to him as a candidate or to committees that support Rand Paul. Yaz and his wife have supported other Republicans who have recently come to TikTok’s defense. All of the Republicans who have come out publicly in favor of TikTok/not wanting to ban TikTok have received political backing from Jeff Yaz.
The Republicans who have been asked about the connection between the money they got from Yaz and their rejection of a ban on TikTok said that this is entirely consistent with their libertarian beliefs in protecting free speech. If you ban TikTok, that would be harming free speech.

I enjoyed reading this article about the situation and the right to free speech:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2020/08/tiktok-ban-seed-genuine-security-concern-wrapped-thick-layer-censorship

Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin – Friday Fix: 7 Things Therapists Wish You Knew About Therapy

Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re weak. There is still a stigma associated with going to therapy, but seeking other medical treatments does not result in stigma. End the stigma. You don’t need to have a serious mental health problem to go to therapy.
Therapy doesn’t have to last a long time. Most therapists don’t see people every week forever. Some therapists handle solution-focused therapy: how to solve a problem or cope with it. Some people attend therapy as needed: weekly or monthly or whenever they think they need it.
There are different types of therapy. Some therapists use EMDR (addresses past trauma), narrative therapy (changing the story you tell yourself), etc. Before you start therapy, ask the therapist what kinds of therapy they use.

Your comfort level with your therapist matters more than the type of therapy the therapist uses. You need to have a positive, trusting relationship with your therapist. You may be more comfortable with online therapy (video chat).
You can talk about whatever you want with your therapist. Your therapist won’t judge you.
You don’t need to have a mental illness to see a therapist. You might see a therapist because you’re stressed out, you’re having a relationship issue, or you just want to better understand yourself. You don’t need to be referred by your physician.
You are in control of your treatment. People often put off going to therapy because they don’t want to address tough topics. You are welcome to say you don’t want to talk about certain things. You don’t need to take medication, try a different kind of therapy, or do anything you don’t want to do. If your treatment isn’t working, you can talk to your therapist, switch therapists, or leave therapy whenever you want. If you are concerned about the cost, ask about free, lower-cost, or sliding scale services.

Fooling ourselves

I LOVED this post from Seth’s Blog this past week.

“Fooling ourselves

It’s tempting to believe that we’re not easy to fool.

Not by a magician, a politician or a banker. Other folks might be easily duped by a spammer or a hustler, but not us.

And yet, no one fools you more than you.

When you look in the mirror, do you see what others see, or is it possible you see someone far less (or far more) attractive than others do?

Do we assume that our work is so good and so useful that anyone who doesn’t see that is confused or misguided?

Perhaps we feel like an impostor, a fraud or an unseen genius…

These are all forms of self-deception.

A useful way forward might be to ask, “is it working?”

If the marketplace of ideas, of commerce or of relationships sees something of value, perhaps they’re right. And if they don’t, perhaps we might develop the empathy to understand what’s missing in our narrative about what we do or how we do it.

Marketing to others begins with marketing to ourselves.

If it turns out that our self-deception is a reliable source of fuel for us to achieve our goals, it might be worth living with. But at some point, our ability to fool ourselves becomes toxic. It blocks our ability to create generous and useful work, and it eats away at our confidence and peace of mind.

It’s not easy to see ourselves as others do. But perhaps they’re onto something.”

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – September 28, 2023

September 28, 2023 amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

On Purpose with Jay Shetty – My Birthday Episode: 12 Lessons I’ve Learned in the Last 12 Months & Ways You Can Apply Them Into Your Life

Be really conscious about who you keep and let go from your life. Just because you have history doesn’t mean you have to force a future. We often feel we have to stay connected to people because we were once connected to them.
Take care of your body and mind like your life depends on it – because it does. Helping yourself is a part of helping others. Start with your sleep. If you are sleeping well, you will have the energy to work out and take care of the rest of your health. Jay Shetty prioritizes MEDS for his health: meditation, exercise, diet, and sleep.
It’s okay to ask for help or a hug. You help others, so it’s important to recognize when you need help and ask for help.

Don’t buy into your own hype. Stay connected to where you started and remain a humble student of life.
People will always try to tear you down no matter how good your intentions are. Consider what you can learn from criticisms. Ask those who truly know you for their feedback.
Different levels come with different problems. No amount of money or fame will solve all of your problems. When you’re struggling, find a book or podcast about that problem and learn about how to resolve it. Immerse yourself in learning to overcome that problem.
As you get older, don’t forget to do things for your younger self. Allow yourself to delve into the things you didn’t have time for when you were younger. Honor your younger interests. Don’t deny your younger self of an experience just because your older self thinks it’s insignificant.

Give yourself permission to be all of you. The more we try to extract parts of ourselves in the hopes of becoming perfect, the more we lose a valuable expression of ourselves.
You don’t have to be perfect to help others. You have the ability to do things you haven’t even imagined yet.
You can’t avoid mistakes, but don’t avoid the lesson.
Make new memories instead of living old ones again and again. Don’t try to recreate moments from the past. Be open to new feelings, new emotions, new people, and new places.
Use your gifts and skills in the service of others. It will create opportunities you never thought of, give your life more meaning than ever, and help create memories for a lifetime.

I saw this video this week and it was a great lesson! So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. If people aren’t showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change themselves. They’re revealing who they are to you. Just let them. Then you get to choose what you do next.

Life Kit – We’ve heard we need more fiber in our diets

Fiber is a dietary superhero: it lowers cholesterol, helps regulate blood sugar levels, keeps your hunger in check, and it is the primary food for the trillions of microbes that live in our gut.
Diets rich in fiber are linked to a lower risk of major health problems: obesity, type 2 diabetes, cancer, and cardiovascular disease.
Recommendations: 14 grams of fiber per 1,000 calories you eat – women typically around 25 grams of fiber. Men – 38 grams of fiber. Less than 10% of Americans eat the daily amount of fiber.
Try to eat the rainbow. Eat a variety of plant-based foods that are rich in fiber: sweet potatoes, avocados, asparagus, artichokes, brown rice, lentils, beans, etc.
Soluble fibers dissolve in water. They bind with water and turn into a gel-like consistency that slows digestion and can lower glucose levels and blood cholesterol levels. Ex: chia seeds, apples, pears
Insoluble fibers don’t dissolve in water. They add bulk to stool and prevent constipation. Ex: quinoa, rice, kale, walnuts
Tips: switch from white bread to whole-grain bread, drink lots of water, and take note of which foods cause sensitivities. Moving after meals can help reduce digestive discomfort.

The Liz Moody Podcast – How to Eliminate Bloat & Constipation

Your gut microbiome thrives on fiber and diversity of fiber. Diversity of fiber promotes diversity of microbiome species.
Elimination diets tend to narrow the diversity of fiber, which adversely affects the gut microbiome.
If your problem is that you are backed up and full of stool, elimination diets won’t help you. If your bloating is caused by your stomach being slow to empty, an elimination diet is not the intervention.
Elimination diets are only recommended when an adverse food reaction or intolerance is underlying the symptoms.

Some people have a primary intolerance, where a food does not agree with your body at all. Ex: lactose intolerance, fructose intolerance.
Some people have a secondary food intolerance, where you have developed a sensitivity to a food because of something else going on in your body that is treatable. Once it is identified and treated, your tolerance can be restored. Ex: SIBO – excess bacteria can thrive in your small intestine where they don’t belong

SIBO results in a change of your stool consistency (more frequent bowel movements, diarrhea, more constipation). Morning is the best time of the day. SIBO can an result in B12 deficiency. Those with SIBO experience weight changes – usually weight loss.
Most common cause of bloating: bowel is completely full of stool, visible on an x-ray
Options: take some magnesium (osmotic laxative – Miralax), scale back on fiber intake, have pureed fruits/veggies, and pull back on raw roughage. Usually a combination of magnesium and a decrease in fiber intake will do the job. If magnesium works, you probably don’t have a pelvic floor problem. If problems persist, have your pelvic floor function evaluated and undergo physical therapy or biofeedback.

Social media has skewed our perception of what a normal body should look like. Ex: flat bellies vs. bloated bellies
Your abdominal cavity needs to be able to accommodate the stretch of a stomach that is filling with a meal, so it is normal for your stomach to look more distended after you eat. It’s normal for your stomach to be bigger at the end of the day than it was in the morning.
When you blend or puree fiber, its particle size is smaller. The chemical bonds are the same, but the physical particle size is decreasing so it’s less likely to overcrowd your digestive system. Blending fruits and veggies is better than juicing; you still get the fibrous benefits.
At certain stages of your menstrual cycle, you may experience more fluid retention and looser stools. You can take IBgard, peppermint oil, Heather’s tummy tamers, etc. for natural anti-spasmodics.
Pregnancy can lead to the colon becoming displaced in certain areas due to the embryo pushing on it, causing acid reflux and constipation. Miralax and prunes are safe to use during pregnancy.

Figure out what the right amount of fiber for your body is. Every person varies on the amount of fiber and sources of fiber they can tolerate.
Some causes of bloating are not related to your colon or your bowels; it’s your stomach. Maybe you swallowed air that needs to be released, maybe you have acid reflux, maybe you are full of stool and need to defecate, etc. There is not one answer to relieve bloating.
Gas relief: happy baby position, knees to chest, ILU gut massage, gas relief meds
When traveling, pack a bowel regimen (fiber supplement/Miralax/gas relief) and snacks with fiber to guarantee good consistent fiber.

IBS may be the diagnosis if you have chronic, irregular symptoms and pain and tested negative for Crohns and Celiac Disease. IBS is a chronic condition that is treatable but not curable. Most people respond substantially to medications.
Salads, nuts, seeds, and popcorn contain insoluble fiber and can make you more diarrhea-prone.
Cortisol wakes up the bowels in the morning. The amount of serotonin hanging around in the gut will impact your motility (how quickly things move) as well as your sensation (how sensitive you are to pain). Your serotonin levels are connected to anxiety, depression, and where you are right now mentally. A lot of IBS is treated off-label using anti-depressants to manipulate the amount of serotonin in the intestines, which manipulates motility and sensation.
Diaphragmatic breathing also helps with GI issues.
Parasites are extremely rare. Giardia is the most common parasite.
For more information, check out Thebloatedbellywhisperer.com

I loved this blog post from Gabe the Bass Player, a blog I read daily.

https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/saying-something

One of the books I’ve finished reading this past week is “The Song of Significance: A New Manifesto for Teams” written by Seth Godin, author of 21 international bestsellers that have changed the way people think about work, and author of seths.blog, one of the most popular marketing blogs in the world (that I also read daily). This book emphasized doing work that matters, creating a difference, being part of something, and doing work we’re proud of. Here are my favorite take-aways from the book:

Actions speak louder than meetings.
Seth Godin

What actually separates thriving organizations from struggling ones are the difficult-to-measure attitudes, processes, and perceptions of the people who do the work. Measurable skills without productive attitudes aren’t worth much.

We need to be clear, specific, and kind in our language. If we can go a step further and agree to give each person on our team the benefit of the doubt – and to ask for clarification when we’re confused – we’re much less likely to cause pain, confusion, or simply a disruption in our journey.

We need to offer people work worth doing. We need to find ways to create significance. What is the change we seek to make? What are you doing that is special? How do your unique skills and passions help this work go better? Does this work matter? Are you making choices that create an impact?

What are meetings for? Reinforcing status roles, clarifying the pecking order, a way to deny responsibility later? The purpose of a meeting is to communicate an idea and the emotions that go with it and to find out what’s missing via engaged conversation. If we can’t do that, let’s not meet. Multitasking, especially during meetings, isn’t productive, respectful, or healthy. Being present in real time is a waste unless we interact. Reaffirming your status and control isn’t worth an hour of my day.
Seth Godin

Many employers focus on hiring people with traditional vocational skills: productive, skilled, and experienced with a resume to prove it. What if employers also focused on real skills such as self-control, wisdom, perception, influence, charisma, drive, goal-setting, empathy, consistency, patience, and deep listening? When happens to your organization when someone like that joins your team?

Significance isn’t what we get…it’s what we do for others.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

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“It could have easily gone the other way

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“Fooling ourselves

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