Tag: #perfectionist

Book review posts, Uncategorized

August 2024 Reads

amybenoit

I read seven books in August 2024 – the most I have read in one month since starting school this year. Here is a brief synopsis of the books I read in August, some of which I will post about in greater detail in the future.

“The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control” was written by Katherine Morgan Schafler, a psychotherapist, write, and speaker and former therapist at Google. I got SO much out of this book and my notes covered the review pages for 2 books instead of 1! This book explored types of perfectionists, lessons learned, and strategies of coping with perfectionism. I will most more about this book in the future, but for now, here are a few lessons:

  • I am mostly a classic perfectionist (and partially a Parisian perfectionist). I value structure, consistency, predictability, an understanding of all the options so as to make an informed decision, high standards, objectivity, and clarity through organization. I don’t like disorder, I have difficulty adjusting to schedule changes, and I tend to experience spontaneity as stressful. Itinerary-centered existence can rob classic perfectionists of the opportunity to grow in a way that wasn’t planned or goal-oriented.
  • Right now, with all the things you have yet to achieve, you are as worthy of all the love, joy, dignity, freedom, and connection as you would be had you already achieved them. You are worthy of all these things because you exist.
  • There are many raw manifestations of perfectionism:
    • emotional (want to experience a perfect emotional state)
    • cognitive (want to understand perfectly)
    • behavioral (want to behave perfectly in my roles and perform perfectly in my tasks)
    • object (want external thing, such as desk, hair, etc. to exist in a perfect state)
    • process (want process to begin, continue, and end perfectly)

5 out of 5 stars

“If my body could speak: poems” by Blythe Baird included poems mostly about rape and eating disorders. Here are some lines that stood out to me:

  • “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.”
  • “If your body could speak, would she forgive you?”
  • “One day after years of starving and gaining and fighting, I stepped on a scale and suddenly that number didn’t say anything about me…and that night nothing on my plate said anything about me either. Later, I got ice cream from a truck and I didn’t have to make myself earn it.”
  • “I found a way to heal through the poetry. The stage is the only place I could tell my story where it wasn’t a liability I was putting onto anyone. This stage is where i learned to stop hoarding my suffering.”
  • “Do not say you didn’t try. Remember: you did the best you could in the situation you were in with the materials you had.”

4 out of 5 stars

“Lessons Learned and Cherished: The Teacher Who Changed My Life” was compiled by Deborah Roberts, an award-winning ABC News journalist. This book was touching, although the stories seemed to have a specific format/agenda – nearly every essay mentioned that teachers are underpaid/underappreciated at the end of each essay.

Here are four of the lessons learned and cherished:

  • Every teacher has the potential to make a student feel connected, valued, and worthy. The greatest gift you can give is your full presence.
  • A difficult teacher can inspire you to persevere and believe in yourself. – Deborah Roberts
  • Teachers mean the world for a child’s development. Kids are not guaranteed a wonderful home base. Kids can be struggling with emotional distress or even violence, and their teachers can be the safe haven.
  • When a teacher believes in a student before they believe in themselves, they blossom. – Keri Shahidi

4 out of 5 stars

“Picturing Joy: Moments of Connection” was compiled by photographer George Lange. George’s work has appeared in many popular publications, and he has shot many of the iconic images from TV shows and ads for TV shows. This book was not quite what I expected. George shared stories of how he captured those moments. There were some great photos and interesting stories. Here are some takeaways from this book:

  • Photos are the artifacts of the experience a photographer creates. Photos reflect what he feels more than what he sees.
  • The role of a photographer is only to be hip enough to get in the room but not have to be the center of it. His approach is to create a space for people to reveal a part of themselves to him, and his intention is to find a way to put love out in the world.
  • “My time with subjects is often incredibly brief. A small window into a life I would never get to share without my camera.”

4 out of 5 stars

“To Hell With the Hustle” was written by Jefferson Bethke, the New York Times bestselling author of Jesus>Religion and It’s Not What You Think and host of The Real Life podcast. This book was not what I expected and seemed very scatterbrained, but there were some good takeaways. Here are some that resonated with me most.

  • When our work becomes who we are and we derive our ultimate value and meaning from it, it runs the risk of becoming our god – the thing we worship, bow down to, and become slaves of.
  • It’s time to stop and consider the cost of all this hustle, speed, and disillusionment. To hell with it – meaning we’re done and it comes from Hell. Jesus was never in a hurry. He was actively resisting cultural pressures on many levels. Hustle isn’t him.
  • Scripture doesn’t talk much about goals. It is focused on our identity and who we are becoming. Are we becoming more like Jesus by the practices and formations we are doing?
  • Have you ever noticed how a lot of Jesus’ miracles were not a part of his plan? They happened on his way somewhere else. You have to go at a pace that can be interrupted. That can be responsive to the moment in front of you.
  • The goal is “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” NOT “Well accomplished, my busy and hustled servant.” Well done. Faithful. If we want to get there, we have to actively resist the myriad voices and influences that subtly hypnotize us into a busier, noisier, more hustled lifestyle. Say no, that’s not the way of Jesus. That’s not the speed of Jesus. That’s not the cadence of Jesus. To hell with the hustle. I’ll take him instead.

4 out of 5 stars

“The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness” was written by Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD. Robert Waldinger, MD is a professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Marc Schulz, PhD is the associate director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development and a practicing therapist.

The Harvard Study of Adult Devlopment has followed the lives of two generations of individuals from the same families for more than 80 years – asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy. I will post more about this book in the future, but for now, here are some lessons:

  • The good life is not a destination. It is the path itself and the people who are walking it with you.
  • Good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.
  • An investment in our social fitness isn’t only an investment in our lives as they are now. It is an investment that will affect everything about how we live in the future. Like a tree needs water, relationships are living things and need attention and maintenance.
  • Curiosity goes a long way in relationships. It opens up avenues of conversation and knowledge and helps others feel understood and appreciated.

5 out of 5 stars

“Calling A Wolf A Wolf” consisted of poems by Kaveh Akbar. To be honest, I didn’t really like this collection. The format of the poems bothered me, and the phrases were scattered with no punctuation. Here is an example:

There were many poems about alcoholism, but the language didn’t make sense to me. Here are a few lines I liked:

What Seems Like Joy – “My father believed in gardens – delighting at burying each thing in its potential for growth. Some years the soil was so hard the water seeped down slower than the green seeped up. Still he’d say if you’re not happy in your own yard you won’t be happy anywhere.”

Portrait of the alcoholic floating in space with severed umbilicus – “I always hoped that when I died I would know why. My brother will be so sad he will tell his daughter I was better than I was. He will leave out my cruel drunk nights the wet mattresses my driving alone into cornfields unsure whether I’d drive out.”

“Now I listen for the sighs of people who love me, each agitation I create a reminder that I am less than constant in my grace.”

2 out of 5 stars

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!

Thoughtful Thursday posts, Uncategorized

Thoughtful Thursday – May 30, 2024

amybenoit

My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:

Optimal Living Daily – 8 Signs You’re A Perfectionist
  • You have the all or nothing mindset. The outcome has to either be perfect or there will be no outcome at all. You are either a success or a failure.
  • You fear failure. You have a fear of putting yourself out there and going out of your comfort because you might not be seen as “perfect.”
  • You might have trust issues. This has to do with the fear of letting go of control. You have the idea that if something needs to be done perfectly, you need to do it yourself. Letting go of this need for control and learning to trust other people is crucial for overcoming perfectionism.
  • You “should” all over yourself. You spend a lot of time in the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” land.
  • You procrastinate without end to find the right time to work on your goals.
  • You would rather give up than not do something perfectly. Putting decent work out there is a must to drive you all the way to your dream destination.
  • You spot mistakes everywhere. You see mistakes where other people don’t and you make it your mission in life to uncover them in all situations.
  • You fear judgment. The truth is that people don’t really think about you as much as you think they do. You don’t need other people’s approval to live your life; you just need your own.
Sad to Savage – Making Health and Fitness A Lifestyle With Savannah Wright
  • Make a plan for the week. Know that some weeks will be busier with events and obligations and you might not be able to work out as much as you want to. That is fine. Overall consistency is key, but not every week will be perfect.
  • Know that your body will change. You will need to alter your workouts. Don’t compare your body to how it was years ago. Your body may be looking for a different kind of workout.
  • Mindful mile – run a mile without music – focus on mindfulness – your breath and your thoughts
  • Yet, at the same time, you show up every day for work and for others. Show up every day for yourself. Don’t rely on motivation. Rely on self-respect, commitment, and dedication.
  • Give a new fitness program 90 days before deciding if it’s for you long-term.
  • Don’t wait until you “have the time.” Find the time. Prioritize yourself and your health.
  • If you can stream shows for an hour or hours, you have time to work out. You can even walk on the treadmill or lift weights while you watch.
  • Determine your why. Is it longevity? Physique? An event? You want to feel better? You’re only doing it because someone told you to do it?
Life Kit – How to practice ‘deep reading’
  • Reading can be extremely difficult because things are competing for your attention. Our brains aren’t meant to deep read; it is supposed to be hard.
  • Reduce distractions.
  • Deep reading takes place when we become so immersed in deep thought and concentration and don’t give in to distractions.
  • We tend to skim instead of deep read. Skimming is one of the greatest disruptions of deep reading. It’s a defense mechanism.
  • Screens are fine if you are skimming. If you want to deep read, you have a better chance of minimizing distractions if you read on paper, where you can go at your own pace.
  • Start by forcing yourself to read at least 20 minutes per day in print – not on screens.
  • Deep reading takes practice, discipline, and finding time devoted to it each day.
  • Do not be concerned about how many books you are reading. People read at different speeds and different books require different paces. Let the book determine your pace and enjoy your own pace.
  •  There is more memory that consolidates than we have immediate perceptible access to. On the other hand, when we skim, we consolidate less. Taking notes adds to your ability to remember and reading the notes about what you read activates what you actually did remember and have stored.
  • Deep reading is a place of discovery of others, discovery of beauty, and discovery of appreciation for our ability to think outside the bounds of our everyday lives.  
Real Simple Tips – 5 Grocery Items to Avoid, According to Professional Chefs
  • Store-bought pesto – hard no for many. It is so easy to make at home with whatever greens you like and need to use up, and you can make it dairy-free if needed.
  • Jarred tomato sauce – full of sugars and preservatives. Instead, buy canned, whole, organic tomatoes, blend them up, and cook them down with your favorite aromatics in twenty minutes.
  • Premade salad dressings – make your own with olive oils, lemon juice, garlic, and herbs.
  • Boxed broth – save your veggie scraps (carrot peels, herb stems, garlic skins, etc.) and make broth when you have enough scraps. Use your veggie scraps with water, salt, and herbs and refrigerate or freeze batches.
  • Pre-grated parmesan – seek out parmesan and grate it fresh when you need it.

This list surprised me. I love cooking, although I am not a professional chef. Still, to save time, I buy jarred tomato sauce, premade salad dressings, and boxed broth!

The Personal Finance Podcast – Why Most Americans Are Poor (And How to Change That)
  • Credit card dependence – don’t use credit cards as an emergency expense vehicle. Have an emergency fund in place and take the time to build it up. Nearly half of Americans use credit cards to cover essential living expenses. Nearly half of Americans have reached their credit card limits at some point.
    • If you aren’t making enough money to make ends meet, reduce expenses or increase your income. When you fall into credit card debt, you are paying an extremely high interest rate (often over 20%). Compound interest can cost you thousands of dollars. If you struggle with credit card debt, get rid of your credit cards and force yourself to make it work. Your credit card debt is robbing you of your financial freedom.

Decreased financial preparedness – when you are trying to build up your emergency fund, it can seem like you will never get ahead due to emergencies. You are likely either spending too much money or not making enough money. Income is the propeller that allows you to build more wealth. Have an emergency fund to protect you from life – medical deductible, vet, car repairs, etc.

Focus on how to get extra cash on hand. Open a high-yield savings account and automate contributions. Put at least $5,000 in a high-yield savings account then start to work up to 6 months of your monthly expenses.

  • People do not prioritize money flow. Figure out how much money you have coming in and where that money is going to go. Keep a list of all of your income and expenses in a spreadsheet.
    • First, focus on housing, food, and transportation and get those expenses down. Car payments, groceries, and eating out are easy expenses to overspend on. Get them under control.
  • People worry about $10 problems instead of bigger problems: investment fees, mortgage interest, asset allocation, negotiating your salary, transportation costs, and student loan interest. Some of these will cost you six figures over time!
  • Over-reliance on buy now, pay later services for basic necessities – many people do it to avoid credit card interest. 46% of people use buy now, pay later for electronics, 56% use it for clothing, and 31% use it for furniture and appliances. Instead, save up for these items. If you don’t have the money, don’t buy it. Focus on building up your emergency fund. Buy now, pay later increases your debt volume, reduces your net worth, and can result in late fees and financial penalties
  • Lifestyle inflation and mismanagement of raises or bonuses – when you get married, it is easy to increase your lifestyle and want to do more. However, it’s still important to have a gap between your income and expenses.
    • Every time you get a raise, put half of it toward investments and allow yourself to use half of it to increase your lifestyle.
  • Lack of financial education and planning – can use a financial planner (can cost a couple thousand dollars), take a class, or read books and research yourself
  • Low national savings rate – the average American saves 3.6% of their income. You need to save and invest the savings to retire. Experts say to save at least 20% of your income (and invest it) so that you can be able to retire. Some people save 50% of their income to retire very early!
  • People are trying to access their retirement funds early and doing it often – 10% penalty. Don’t do that. Don’t interrupt compound interest unnecessarily. This year, Americans will pay $6.1 billion in penalties for early 401k withdrawals!
  • People don’t understand compound interest – they don’t realize how much it impacts your finances and retirement.

I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!