“We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter” was written by Celeste Headlee, a public radio host, and based on the wildly popular TED Talk with more than 10 million views. This book contained strategies for effective communication. Here are some of my favorite takeaways.
Our reliance on screens for communication is detracting and distracting from our engagement in real-time talk.
When communicating, explain what you want and what you expect and be honest. You first have to know what you want before you can express those expectations to someone else. Example: Are you looking to vent or to receive advice?
5 key strategies for a productive conversation:
Be curious. Assume that everyone has something to teach you. You already know what’s inside your own head. Open yourself to the surprise and discovery inherent in someone else’s perspective.
Check your bias. Consider how your thinking might be impacted if you’d been exposed to the same experiences.
Show respect. Listen to understand, not to endorse.
Stay the course. If a taboo topic comes up, don’t try to change the subject. Try to avoid getting frustrated and walking away. If you have nothing to say, just listen.
End well. Accept that you may not reach an agreement and that disagreement is okay.
Apologize. Apologizing acknowledges someone’s anger or sadness and validates feelings, drops their defensive posture and makes you no longer a threat, and prepares their brain to forgive.
Be there or go elsewhere. You must fully commit to a conversation or walk away. If you’re too distracted, admit that to both yourself and the other person. Be present or be gone. Don’t build your responses during your partner’s turn. Listen, be present, and put away your phone! Conversations require patience and focus.
The most effective method for learning to be present in conversation is meditation. Mindfulness meditation teaches you how to be aware of your body, your breathing, and your thoughts.
Think of conversations as a game of catch. Instead of shifting the conversation back to yourself, ask support questions that start with *who, what, where, when, why, and how.* Open-ended questions transfer control to the person responding.
Any time you enter a conversation, and especially when you are about to talk with someone who holds different beliefs than your own, ask yourself: What do you hope to get out of this exchange? What would you like to have happen at the end and how would you like to walk away from the other person? You can’t control what they take away from the conversation, but you can control what you get out of it.
Remember that everyone has something to teach you. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn.
Research shows that when we repeat something multiple times, it increases our chances of remembering it, but the benefit isn’t shared with the person listening. In fact, people are more likely to tune out after the first time you repeat something.
Just because someone doesn’t say “Yes, I hear and understand what you’re saying” doesn’t mean that he or she didn’t hear or understand you.
If you don’t know something, say “I don’t know.” These three words can strengthen the bond between you and another person and are a gateway to further exploration and growth.
Be aware of how you communicate. Don’t get into the weeds and give unnecessary details. Determine what information is essential and what is not. Don’t allow your random thoughts to derail the conversation.
4 ways to increase empathy: active listening, sharing in other people’s joys, looking for commonalities with others, and paying attention to faces.
The best way to understand people is to listen to them. Seek first to understand, then to respond.
This book was very informational and served as both a guide for new tips and gentle reminders for effective communication!
I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!
My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:
Optimal Health Daily – 10 Simple Fitness Tips You Can Implement Today by Lea Genders
Less is more. Ease into your new exercise routine. Increase your workout time and intensity as you get stronger. This will allow your body and mind time to adapt and leave plenty of room for progress.
Find a way to move your body in a way that you enjoy and do it consistently. If you enjoy it, you will be more inclined to actually do it.
Stay hydrated. When water is within arm’s reach, you’re more likely to drink it.
Pack and carry your lunch from home instead of eating out. You will save money and be able to better control your calorie intake and portions.
Snack on protein rich foods. The recommended protein intake for active adults is 0.5 to 0.8 grams of protein per pound of bodyweight each day. Adequate protein intake has many benefits, including building muscle and helping you feel full and satisfied at each meal.
In addition to your regular exercise routine, make an effort to get more active doing the things you do anyway. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, park further away, etc.
Always eat breakfast that contains a healthy mix of protein, carbs, and fat.
Make sure you get enough sleep at night (7 hours). Your body needs the down time to repair and replenish.
Eat your greens or drink them. Work on adding additional green vegetables to your meals.
Be flexible. Don’t try to be perfect, but do the best you can with what you have.
Stuff You Should Know – Short Stuff: Blue Highway Signs
Companies pay $ to get placed on these signs.
The first blue sign is called the main line and includes words like gas, food, and lodging. The second blue sign has the specific brands/chains.
There is some discrimination as to who/what can be on the signs (no movie theatres or churches). The Federal Highway Administration limits the eligible service categories to include gas, food, lodging, 24-hour pharmacies, camping, and attractions.
The blue signs must be 800 feet apart from each other. If it’s an exit where you can’t get them 800 feet apart, they will not have blue signs.
Most states prioritize those businesses that are closest to the exit. It can be further away for a tourism site.
Highway Beautification Act of 1965: standardized government signs (the blue signs) that allow you to display your business
To advertise on the logo sign, you need to have public restrooms, drinking water (even just a fountain), and you need to be open regular business hours (24/7 businesses are prioritized), unless you are in a rural area that has space on the sign.
I live in Minnesota and found this helpful website that lists Minnesota’s requirements. See below for the eligibility criteria. Annual fees in Minnesota are low:
Fit, Healthy & Happy Podcast – 20 Healthiest Meals & Snacks to Eat In A Pinch
Greek yogurt (preferably unsweetened plain; add toppings if needed: cinnamon, protein granola, hemp hearts, chia seeds, berries, etc.)
Protein bar (check the protein, fiber, sugar, and calories). Look for 20-25 grams of protein.
Jerky (beef or bison)
Protein powder
Meal prep of any kind
Cottage cheese
Protein shake or smoothie
Any sort of protein alternative
Grilled chicken
A big salad with bulk vegetables and lean meat (Be mindful of dressings and oils. Get sauces on the side when ordering at a restaurant.)
Chicken breast with veggies and rice
Any lean meat or fish with veggies
Nuts
Burrito bowls with chicken (avoid sauces)
Greek salad/chicken skewer
Chicken schwarma
Egg whites
Fresh fruit
Fresh vegetables
Water or water alternatives
I recently read “We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter” by Celeste Headlee. Here are some of the many communication tips discussed in this book:
5 key strategies for a productive conversation: be curious, check your bias, show respect, stay the course, and end well. Consider how your thinking might be impacted if you’d been exposed to the same experiences. Listen to understand. Be aware of cognitive bias. If we disapprove of someone’s appearance, opinion, occupation, or another personal aspect, we are more likely to disapprove of everything about them. Stick it out. If you have nothing to say, just listen and accept that you may not reach an agreement and that disagreement is okay.
Be there or go elsewhere. You must fully commit to a conversation or walk away. If you’re too distracted, admit that to both yourself and the other person. Be present or be gone. Don’t build your responses during your partner’s turn. Listen, be present, and put away your phone! Conversations require patience and focus.
Think of conversations as a game of catch. Instead of shifting the conversation back to yourself, ask support questions that start with who, what, where, when, why, and how. Open-ended questions transfer control to the person responding.
Remember that everyone has something to teach you. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn.
There’s a difference between intellectual and smart. A plumber is smart, they know how to do a skilled and effective job on the task at hand. Intellectualism isn’t about practical results, it’s a passion for exploring what others have said, though this approach is sometimes misused to make others feel uninformed or to stall.
If you want to know what the scholars have written, ask an intellectual.
And if you’ve got a problem worth solving, it might pay to ask a smart person.
And yet, if the GPS is broken and we need directions, sometimes we hesitate to ask a local. And if your computer isn’t working, swearing at it might be less effective than asking an IT pro.
There are a couple of reasons we might resist help from someone who is smart:
–It exposes us to change and all the emotions that come from that. If we insulate ourselves from useful insight, we can stay put, stuck, with no changes required.
–It can make us seem dumb in comparison. It might be better to live with the problem than be seen as someone who didn’t know about it.
Access to smart is easier than ever before. But we need to seek it out.
My input: How many times have you refused to ask for help out of embarrassment or fear that it would ruin your ego? How many times have you insisted on figuring things out yourself? We can use our resources and skillset, but sometimes we need to seek out assistance from those who know best.
I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!
My intention is to post a Thoughtful Thursday column each week and share some of the insights I have learned in the past week. Here are some of the things I’ve learned this week:
Optimal Finance Daily- Rental Properties Pros and Cons by Andy Hill (Part 1)
Optimal Finance Daily- Rental Properties Pros and Cons by Andy Hill (Part 2)
Many people aspire to own rental properties to earn more money and often refer to rental properties as passive income. Here are the facts.
Pros:
Real estate can outperform index funds.
You can grow your income stream more quickly.
House hacking- some people are able to rent a room or area of their homes that covers much of their housing costs.
You can work with a property manager so that you don’t need to field late-night calls of issues.
Cons:
*REAL ESTATE INVESTING IS NOT PASSIVE.* You need to dedicate time to ensure you’re doing it right financially, legally, and ethically.
Taxes and insurance costs can be unpredictable.
Neighborhoods can be unpredictable. A changing neighborhood can make it difficult to lease your property and can change the type of tenants who want to live there.
Leverage requires increased risk. You need to really understand how your money is invested and how your properties are generating income.
Home values can drop in tough times. It’s nearly impossible to predict how the real estate market will move.
Self Care IRL- All the reasons we need to stop saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” + 8 Alternatives
“I’m sorry for your loss.” We see this commented on social media and hear this phrase frequently when a loved one dies. Most people don’t know what else to say, and this phrase is so overused that it can come across as insincere. Here are 8 excellent and genuine alternatives to “I’m sorry for your loss.”
3 things you can say IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP/FOLLOW THROUGH:
“I’m so sorry that you’re in pain right now, but I am here with you and for you. I am willing to help in any way I can. Is there anything that you can think of that you need right now?” Tip: be prepared to help if asked. Do not use this if you won’t follow through.
“I know there will be some challenges ahead for you. I want you to know that I’m here and I’m willing to help. Would it be okay if I call next week to check in?” Tip: actually call next week and follow through.
“I know there’s nothing I can say right now to make things better, but also, I know that having someone to talk to at times like this is really important, so if it’s okay, I’ll call you next week when things settle for you.” Tip: actually call next week.
5 things you can say that don’t require you to help or follow through:
“Your mom was an incredible person. I see so much of her in you. I’m keeping you in my thoughts.”
“Your friendship/relationship was so special. I’m saddened by the news. You’re in my thoughts.” The podcast host said this is a great remark for someone you mostly know on social media.
“May God continue to shine a light on the joyful memories you get to hold in your heart.”
“Sending big hugs your way and wishing you peace, joy, and comfort.” The podcast host said this is perfect for online empathy.
Adult Education- Health Disparities with Dr. Lisa Cooper
There are people in America who live on the same street who have very different access to healthcare. It is not just about $; it is about access and systems. This can include access to transportation, access to insurance, and access to networks and facilities covered by insurance.
Some neighborhoods where a lot of people of color live do not have access to supermarkets with many fresh fruits and vegetables, schools in these neighborhoods often don’t have the same investment, and oftentimes there are fewer businesses. These are all examples of possible health disparities.
Health disparities are avoidable differences in health among groups that have different levels of wealth, power, or prestige in society. They are unjust and unfair and can impact rural areas, women, people with disabilities, people in poverty, and minorities.
Stuff You Should Know- How Game Shows Work
The first game show was aired in 1938 Great Britain and was called Spelling Bee. It was an actual spelling bee.
If people are winning more $ than budgeted each episode, sometimes they are presented with lotto options, such as payouts over a number of years instead of all at once.
Bob Barker was a game show host from 1956-2007 (1956-1975 for Truth or Consequences + 1972-2007 for the Price is Right).
In 1991, there were 2 game shows still filming: Price is Right and Family Feud. Wheel of Fortune’s daytime show got the axe. Game shows came close to extinction, as they were replaced with daytime talk shows. The Price is Right and Family Feud never went away.
Game shows are cheap to produce, so you can find them in most countries around the world.
3,000 people try out for Wheel of Fortune every year and only 500 make the cut.
Being on a game show sounds exciting, but 5-6 episodes are usually filmed each day, so there is a lot of standing around (without access to your phone)!
Freakonomics Radio- The Most Interesting Fruit in the World
Something to ponder: In a grocery store, there are a wide variety of apples, almost all of which were grown in the United States. Yet, they are more expensive (per pound) than bananas. This is wild to think about considering that bananas in the United States are all imported and have been grown, picked, boxed, washed, and placed in ripening rooms in another country. Bananas are typically the cheapest fruits around!
In 1900, Americans were eating 1.5 million bunches of bananas per year. By 1910, Americans were eating 40 million bunches of bananas per year!
Sailing as an export mode of transportation was not fast enough to reliably keep bananas from over-ripening. In the 1930s, refrigerated trucks allowed for bulk importation of bananas in the United States.
There are over 1,000 varieties of bananas in the world. The first popular one in the United States was the Gros Michel banana, also known as the “Big Mike” banana. This was the most popular banana until the 1950s, when Panama Disease mostly wiped it out. Panama Disease is a fungus that causes the banana plant to wilt. The Gros Michel variety has been virtually extinct since the 1950s, but this variety is still grown in Uganda.
This is a photo of the Gros Michel variety:
Bananas used to have seeds, but the banana was made seed-free using banana hybrids! The Cavendish banana is a human invention.
After Panama Disease wiped out most of the Gros Michel variety, the most popular banana changed to the Cavendish banana, which is what most of us eat today. Although the Cavendish bananas only account for 50% of global banana production, the Cavendish banana takes up 99% of the banana export market. India is the highest producer of bananas. and Ecuador is the largest exporter of bananas.
Bananas were once advertised as “fruit in a germ-proof wrapper.’
Bananas are the fourth most important crop in the world, behind rice, wheat, and corn! 400 million people rely on bananas as a source of food or a source of income.
Earlier this week, I read “Kicked to the Curb: Where policy has failed our most vulnerable youth and the fight for a better tomorrow” written by Susan Lockwood Roberts. I learned so much and here is a summary of my thoughts.
This book was a very insightful, easy read. The author addressed the problems with the education system, especially in educating incarcerated youth using the same cookie-cutter approach used in the standard education system, yet with less funding. Under-performing youth are viewed as difficult and are often kicked to the curb, resulting in societal costs of unemployment, non-productivity in the workforce, and crime. Teachers often teach the way they were taught, and this does not usually work when teaching incarcerated children. Students who are at risk due to family relationships, aspiring to be a first-generation high school graduate, or poverty likely need relationships in order to succeed and may require a more individualized, targeted approach. The author worked in engaging policy problems and changing methodologies in order for children, teachers, and staff to succeed. Some of these programs included daily adult mentoring, work-based learning experiences, career exploration and goal setting, professional development for teachers so that they can shift the way they do things according to the backgrounds of the students, reforming curriculum and acquiring updated textbooks, and developing methods of engaging students using a variety of instructional strategies. The author acknowledges that progress has been made, but that more needs to be done.
When youth don’t finish high school, the path to a high school credential is through adult education, and adult education programs receive less than 10% of funding going to K-12 and less than 5% of what is spent to support higher education. As a result, fewer than 10% of the people who need adult education services can access them. As a society, we can’t figure out how to invest more money in education, but we don’t know about the $225 billion lost every year to low literacy and numeracy among our citizens. What do we value?
This blog post (https://www.gabethebassplayer.com/blog/your-contribution) made me consider 3 questions we should ask ourselves frequently in our jobs and our lives. Say you want to make progress toward a goal, such as starting a daily habit or training for a marathon. Ask yourself these questions and reflect:
Are you content with your contribution (right now)?
Are you content with what you’re contributing (right now)?
What are you contributing (right now)?
TED Talks- Celeste Headlee- 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation
It used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to stick to the weather and our health. These days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects are not always safe either.
A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening. Conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. An important skill is being able to have a coherent and competent conversation.
Don’t multitask. Be fully present.
Don’t pontificate. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn. Sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don’t.
Use open-ended questions. Start your questions with who, what, where, when, why, or how. This allows people a chance to think about the question and respond with a genuine response.
Go with the flow. Stories and ideas are going to come to you, but sometimes you need to let them go to fully listen to what the other person is saying.
If you don’t know, say that you don’t know. Talk should not be cheap.
Don’t equate your experience with theirs. All experiences are individual, and it is not always about you.
Try not to repeat yourself. It’s boring and condescending.
Stay out of the weeds. You don’t need to remember and present all of the details.
LISTEN. If your mouth is open, you’re not listening and learning. Listen first to understand, then to reply.
Be brief. Conversations should be short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.
All of this boils down to one sentence: Be interested in other people. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and be prepared to be amazed.
I look forward to reading, learning, and sharing more with you soon!
Instead of shifting the conversation back to yourself, ask support questions that start with *who, what, where, when, why, and how.* Open-ended questions transfer control to the person responding.
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